


Searching For a Darker Place to Hide

by IsolationShepherd



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Detox, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Kabby, Pain, Raw - Freeform, Smut, Withdrawal, lots and lots of angst, lots of pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2019-06-12 02:41:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 61,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15329946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsolationShepherd/pseuds/IsolationShepherd
Summary: Kane and Abby try to deal with Abby's growing addiction while they're in the bunker.





	1. The First Attempt

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Kane saying "I know what to do." How many times have they tried to detox? This fic is brutal and raw and might not be for everybody. It's painful and it's human and about the human mind and body in all its reality, and the pain of addiction for everyone concerned.

The first time they tried to detox, Kane thought Abby was going to die. After two days of trying to stay awake with her, his body had finally succumbed to the need for sleep. He didn’t know how long he’d slept but he woke to find the sheets wet and the acrid smell of vomit in the air. It made him gag and his stomach churned not just with the smell but with fear. He turned to look at Abby. She was lying on her back, eyes closed, shaking, slow, ragged breaths more like gurgles emanating from her. Bubbles were forming at the corners of her mouth, and a yellowish substance was crusted on her lips. Her pale face was tinged blue. Kane stared at her for a moment, paralysed with shock, and then he realised she had vomited in her sleep and was aspirating it. If he didn’t do something she would choke to death in front of his eyes. He grabbed her arm and turned her so she was on her side and facing him, and then he opened her mouth, put his fingers inside and scooped out what she was breathing in. He retched as he did it, he couldn’t help it, and he tried to take deep breaths to calm himself even though fear and adrenaline were coursing through his body.

Abby didn’t respond to his fingers in her mouth or his touch; she lay unconscious, tremors rippling through her. Kane put his hand to her forehead; she was cold, but her hair was wet with sweat, its long strands sticking to her face. He brushed them away, tucked them behind her ear.

“Abby,” he said, his voice shaking with fear and desperation. There was no response.

He put his ear to her mouth, listening to her breaths. They were more even now, but she was still unresponsive. He put his hand on her shoulder, shaking her gently.

“Abby! Wake up! Wake up!”

She moaned, and Kane felt some relief.

“Abby, love, come on. Wake up!”

Another moan, and then her hand came up to knock his arm away from her. She grunted and tried to turn onto her back. Kane grabbed hold of her, held her to him so she couldn’t move. She lay limply in his arms.

“Abby it’s me, it’s Marcus.”

She looked up at him, her movements slow, as though her head was a heavy weight she could barely lift.

“Wass goin’ on?” she slurred.

Kane pressed a kiss to her damp forehead. “You were unwell, in the night.”

She ran her tongue over her lips and grimaced. “Sorry,” she said.

“It’s okay.”

“I’m cold.”

“I know. Everything’s wet. We need to get you cleaned up and into some dry clothes. Can you stand?”

“Of course.” Abby pushed him away while she dragged herself to the edge of the bed. She stood up on shaky legs and Kane held his arm out to her so she could take it, but she refused. She only managed a few steps though before her legs gave out and she started to slump to the floor. Kane caught her, swept her up into his arms and carried her into the shower. He waited until the water ran warm and then he stripped off both their clothes and stood naked under the jet with her wrapped in his arms. The water sluiced off them, washing the mess away and it felt good. Kane closed his eyes and for a moment it was as though everything was normal and he was standing with his love in the shower as they had done many times before, her skin against his, their bodies joined together in a slow dance. 

It was not normal, though, because Abby’s arms were hanging loose by her side and she was only standing because he was holding her up. Kane took the sliver of soap that was left, lathered it up and washed her face, wiping the traces of this horrible night away. When he was finished he wrapped her in a towel and she stood with her hand on the wall for support, watching him while he dressed. He half walked, half carried her into their room, settling her into a chair while he searched their cupboards. The only spare clothes she had were her old blue shirt and jeans, ragged now, more holes than material. He started to put the shirt over her head, but she grabbed it from him.

“I can do it.”

It was a relief to see she was as stubborn as ever. Kane watched a moment while she dressed herself. It was painful seeing her struggle, the shakes making it hard for her to control her movements, but he knew better than to interfere once Abby had decided she was doing something. When he couldn’t bear to look any longer, he stripped the sweat-soaked sheets from the bed and left the mattress to air. He went to his cupboard and rummaged around until he found one of the sweet biscuits he’d saved months ago when this had been a day he’d hoped would never come. He took the biscuit to Abby with a glass of water.

“This will make your mouth feel fresher.”

She took the biscuit and nibbled it while he watched her. She didn’t speak, but she must know they had to talk about what they’d done, and its consequences.

“Are you feeling better?” he said.

“Not really.”

“You do know what happened, don’t you?”

Abby shrugged, as though she didn’t care, but it was a bluff and they both knew it. “I was sick,” she said.

“Yes, but you were sleeping on your back. If I hadn’t woken up when I did you’d have choked.”

She shook her head as though to dismiss his concerns. “I wouldn’t have choked.”

“You WERE choking. You couldn’t breathe, Abby. You were dying.”

She nibbled some more of her biscuit so she didn’t have to look at him. “You’re being dramatic.”

Kane’s blood warmed at her nonchalance, and his next words came out loud and harsh. “Your skin was blue, and you had froth coming from your lips. You’re the doctor. What does that tell you?”

She sighed. “We made a mistake.”

“You’re damn right we made a mistake. We nearly killed you!” Kane got up and paced the small room. He couldn’t get the sight of Abby struggling for air out of his mind. The thought of what could have been grew larger and larger as he ran through different scenarios until he could see himself waking up and those big brown eyes would be cold and staring and he’d never get to hold her again, never hear her voice, never smell her or taste her or shout or scream or laugh or love her again. He was catastrophising, he knew it, but he couldn’t stop himself.

“Marcus.” Abby gripped the arm of the chair and pushed herself to her feet. She managed the few short steps to where he was standing and reached up to him, her thumb wiping his cheek. Kane hadn’t realised he was crying until she did that. He took her into his arms and she looked up at him. “I’m sorry,” she said.

Kane kissed her lips, ignoring the sour taste of her breath. “I’m sorry too.”

“I thought I could do it this way, but I can’t.”

“No. No, okay. It’s okay. Come and sit back down.” He helped her to the chair and then he went into the bathroom and retrieved what he’d hidden two days before from the panel behind the sink. He returned to Abby. “Here.” Kane fumbled the lid off the bottle and shook out two pills. He gave them to Abby and she took them from him with shaky fingers. He handed her the glass of water and watched as she swallowed the pills.

“I’m such a failure,” she said.

Kane knelt before her, took her hands in his. “No, you’re not. This wasn’t the right way, that’s all.”

“We shouldn’t have tried cold turkey. It’s my fault. I thought I was strong enough.”

“You are strong. You’re the strongest person I know.” Kane kissed her hand. “The pills are stronger, even than you. Now we know that, we can find another way.”

“We can try phasing them out.” Abby’s colour was returning now that she was relaxed and had her pills.

“Yes. That would be my next choice too.”

“Not yet though.” Her fingers wrapped around Kane’s and she eased the bottle from his grasp. He let her, even though it sent a stab of pain into his heart.

“No,” he said with a sigh. “Not yet.”

Abby smiled at him and he smiled back, but inside he wanted to shake her, to shout at her and tell her she could do this, that it was all in her mind. He didn’t think she really wanted to give up the pills and wasn’t trying hard enough. Had she known that cold turkey would be a failure? Was that why she’d suggested it, because she knew it wouldn’t work and she’d be able to continue as before, safe in the knowledge that she’d tried? Kane hated himself for these thoughts, especially when she had nearly died because of what they’d done but looking at her smiling face he couldn’t help but wonder if it was true. If so it meant one thing, Abby was willing to risk her life to keep taking her pills. It was worse than he’d feared.

Kane couldn’t look at her anymore, so he fetched clean sheets and made up the bed with them. He went into the bathroom and filled the sink with water, then he picked up her soiled clothes and scrubbed them until his fingers were sore and starting to blister.

That was the first time.


	2. If At First You Don't Succeed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shocking incident makes Kane and Abby decide to try detox again.

For a few months after that first aborted attempt their life together returned to normal, or what passed for normal in the hellhole the bunker had become. Abby had cut down the number of pills she was taking, or so Kane thought, and seemed to be functioning well. They started making love more regularly and by ignoring any signs that he didn’t want to see Kane managed to fool himself into thinking everything was alright. That was until he received a summons from Jackson and arrived in Medical to find Abby slumped in a corner, her head on her chest. Jackson was kneeling beside her, listening to her breathing through his stethoscope.

“What the hell happened, Eric?” Kane ran over to Abby, lifted her head. Her eyes were closed.

“I don’t know. I went out to visit some patients and when I got back I found her like this. She’s breathing but unresponsive.”

Kane felt sick. His body went cold and shivers ran through him. His mind flashed back to the night he found her unconscious like this and she’d nearly died. He opened her mouth, checked inside.

“She hasn’t been sick,” he said. He grabbed her shoulders and shook her. “Abby!”

“Her pulse is slow and she’s cold but sweaty. I’m wondering if it’s that new regime you have her on.”

Kane looked at Jackson. “What new regime?” He shook Abby again and she moaned. “Abby, wake up!”

“You’ve changed her tablets, reduced the dose. It’s been making her ill. I think it’s too much too quickly.”

“I’ve done no such thing. Why isn’t she waking up? Come on, Abby! Check her pockets, Eric.”

“What for?”

“For her pills! Dammit man, come on!”

Eric patted Abby’s clothes until he found what Kane wanted. He passed the bottle to Kane who emptied its contents onto the floor. He counted them and then counted again because he must be mistaken.

“There are pills missing,” he said to Jackson.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I don’t have her on a different regime. She’s been taking two pills a day since we tried to detox. But that means there should be twice as many here as there are.”

Jackson looked at him, his face pale. “She’s been taking too many. She’s overdosed.”

“Fuck!”

Kane shook Abby again and this time her eyes fluttered open. “Abby,” he cried. “How many pills have you taken?”

“What?” Abby’s eyes were fully open now and she was looking from Kane to Jackson and back, her brow furrowed with confusion. Kane grabbed a handful of the pills from the floor and thrust them in front of her face.

“Half your pills are missing. How many have you taken?”

Abby sat up straighter, high spots of colour appearing on her cheeks. “I’ve taken two, as usual.”

“Don’t lie to me. The evidence is right here!” He showed her the pills again, but Abby didn’t look at them; instead she turned to Jackson.

“Jackson, I’ve only been taking what he told me to take, you know that.”

Jackson shook his head. “You told me Kane had reduced your dose, so there should be even more pills in the bottle.”

“He doesn’t know how many there should be,” she said, addressing Jackson again.

“HE is right here,” said Kane. “And he knows EXACTLY how many pills there should be because he makes a note every day.” 

“I should have known Mr Meticulous would be taking notes.” She glared at Kane, who glared back. He was so angry with her he’d forgotten that she was lying unconscious only a moment ago.

“Abby,” Jackson said in a calm voice. “We need to know how many pills you’ve taken because if you’ve overdosed then we need to do something about it now, otherwise you know the consequences.”

“I haven’t overdosed.”

“Then why did I find you unresponsive on the floor?”

“I’ve been working hard. Maybe I just dozed off on my feet for a moment.”

Kane sighed. “Are you really going to deny this? Are you going to continue lying to Eric and me like you have been doing for months?”

Abby struggled to her feet, holding onto the wall for support. “I’m fine.”

Kane stood as well. He pulled himself to his full height and loomed over Abby, determined to get the truth out of her. “You’re not fine, look at you!”

“Kane.” Jackson took his arm and steered him away. “I don’t think you’re helping. I need to find out the truth about how many pills she’s been taking and she’s not going to admit it in front of you.”

“And you think she’ll admit it to you? She’s lied to you as well.”

“Yes, I know. Look, I know it doesn’t seem like it, but she loves you and she’s trying to protect you. She doesn’t want you to know how bad it’s got.”

“She’s annoyed she’s been found out more like it.”

“See, this is the kind of attitude that isn’t helpful. Go and wait in the other room while I talk to Abby. I’ll come and see you in a minute.”

Kane huffed but he knew deep down Jackson was right. He went through to the waiting room and paced up and down until the doctor returned.

“Well?” he said when Jackson came through the door.

“She’s fine. You can stop worrying.”

“What happened? How many pills is she taking?”

“I think you should talk to Abby about that.”

“Why can’t you tell me? You’re her doctor.”

“Exactly, and this is a private matter for Abby and it’s not for me to tell you anything she doesn’t want you to know.”

Kane shook his head. Anger was building again inside him, warming his blood, swelling his veins. “A private matter? There’s nothing private about what she’s doing, lying to us, collapsing at work; anyone could have found her. You can’t hold out on me, Eric.”

“I’m not holding out on you. Go and talk to Abby; she wants to see you.” He put his hand on Kane’s arm. “But listen. You can’t go in all worked up like you are; she’ll get defensive and then you won’t get any answers from her. She needs to feel that you won’t judge her.”

“I’m not judging her.”

“Yes, you are.”

Kane pondered Jackson’s words. Was he judging her? He certainly didn’t blame her, or at least he didn’t think he did, but he was angry about her lies, her betrayal of his trust.

“Her brain is chemically altered, Kane. She can’t help it,” Jackson continued, as though he could read Kane’s mind.

“I know. I do know that.” He smiled at Jackson. “Okay. I’ll go and talk to her, and I’ll be good.” He took a deep breath and opened the door.

Abby was lying on the examination table, her eyes closed. Kane sighed. She’d been through so much. They’d never got to the bottom of what had happened at Becca’s lab, and although she’d forgiven him long ago for keeping her inside the bunker they’d never really talked about her guilt for opening the door and condemning all those people to death. Kane had tried to discuss it with her because no one knew how that felt better than him, but she had shut down, closed herself off. He understood that, because he’d done it himself, but he knew from experience that it only led to more guilt, and a pain that grew deeper with every day that passed, and then of course there was the dark year, which neither of them talked about. Maybe it was time they did, even if it meant facing up to his own demons. Kane crossed to her, stroked her arm gently. She opened her eyes, turned to look at him.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hey. How are you feeling?”

“Tired.”

“It’s been a stressful day.”

“It’s not just that.” Abby sat up, swung her legs over the side of the table. She looked up at Kane. “It’s the pills, they make me sleepy. That’s what happened, earlier. I wasn’t lying, I did fall asleep on my feet.”

“Two pills won’t do that though, will they? They haven’t before.” Kane kept his voice low and even. He wanted to encourage her to tell him the truth, not scare her away.

She looked down, played with her fingers, picking at the edges of her fingernails. She was shaking. Kane didn’t know if it was because of the pills or because she had to face him. He took her hands in his to still them.

“Tell me,” he said.

She sighed. “No, it wasn’t just two.”

“How many?”

“They stopped working. I. I had to take more.”

“How many more?”

“I don’t want to say.”

“I can’t help you if you won’t tell me anything.” Kane was losing patience, but he tried not to show it. Not very successfully it seemed because Abby flinched at his words.

“I’m sorry,” Kane said. He stroked her hair, his thumb grazing the side of her face. “I’m sorry I was angry with you before. I was frightened. I thought I was losing you again.”

Abby’s face crumpled, and tears ran down her cheeks. “I’m sorry too.”

Kane’s heart constricted at the sight of her tears. He wanted to take her into his arms and tell her it would be alright, but that wouldn’t do either of them any good. He had to be firm with her.

“It’s no good us both being sorry. We need to do something about this, Abby.”

Abby grasped his hands, held them tight between hers. “I know. You shouldn’t have to go through this. I didn’t mean for it to happen, I can’t help myself. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“You do know what to do. You have to stop taking the pills, properly this time. Are you willing to try?”

“I will. Yes, I will. I’ll do it. I promise.”

“And will you talk to me, will you let me in?”

Abby nodded. “I’ll try.”

“Okay.” Kane smiled, and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I love you. I can’t lose you.”

Abby’s smile was weak. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“No more being sorry. What’s done is done. We move forward.”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Shall I go and get Eric and then you can talk through your options?”

She nodded, and Kane left her sitting on the medical table and went into the other room. Jackson wasn’t there, and Kane was relieved. He wanted a minute to himself, just to breathe. He got about ten seconds and then Jackson walked in and went straight over to Kane.

“How did it go?”

Kane smiled. “Well, I think. She’s agreed to try detox again.”

Jackson nodded. “Oh, good. Well done.”

Kane shrugged. “I didn’t do anything. I think she wants it this time.”

Jackson nodded. “I hope so.”

“Do you have any thoughts?”

“The choices are usually to taper the dose or to replace the drug with a less addictive one and taper that. The trouble is I don’t have another painkiller that’s strong enough to be a good replacement. Aspirin isn’t going to cut it.”

“Then we’ll have to reduce her dosage. It’s what she said she wanted to try after the last time.”

“Okay. We’ll take it slowly, a thirty-day plan. It’s not going to be pretty. Not as bad as the cold turkey but there’ll still be some intense withdrawal symptoms.”

“I’m ready.” Kane put his hand on Jackson’s arm and smiled but Jackson didn’t smile back.

“Are you? Because it’s not just the physical problems you’ll have to deal with. She’s probably going to be sneaky, and nasty, and she’ll hate you. You have to treat her like a child who can’t be trusted.”

“I know. She’s not my Abby. I have to remember that.”

“I’ll help you. I’ll watch her while she’s at work, and when you need a break.”

Kane shook his head, screwed up his face because he wanted to cry. He couldn’t believe they were talking about Abby like this, a woman he would trust with his life, HAD trusted with his life, and now she had to be watched every second of the day. It was the drugs, not her, he had to keep reminding himself of that.

“She’s ready to talk to you about her options,” he said.

“I’ll go and see her now. She’ll do the right thing, Kane, I know she will. She knows there’s no other choice.”

“You’re a wise man, Jackson.”

“I was taught by the best.”

A wave of emotion washed over Kane at Jackson’s words that was so deep he had to steady himself. They had to get the old Abby back. He took a deep breath. “Okay, let’s do this.”

“You can’t come in.”

“Why not?”

“Did she tell you how many pills she’s taking?”

“No. She didn’t want me to know.”

“Then it’s best I discuss her treatment with her alone. I’ll administer her dosage every day, so there’s no need for you to worry about that.”

Kane knew Jackson was right, but he felt hurt, rejected. She didn’t trust him enough to tell him the truth, to let him help her. After all they’d been through, did she still doubt him?

“Yes. Okay,” he said to Jackson.

“We’ll get through this.” Jackson put his hand on Kane’s arm and squeezed.

Kane nodded. “I know. Thank you, Eric. I’ll be at home, when she’s ready.”

Kane left Jackson to it and returned to his quarters. He’d been checking an inventory of the bunker’s supplies when Jackson had summoned him, and he spent the rest of the day continuing that work. He wasn’t sure what mood Abby would be in when she got home, whether she would be tired, mad, euphoric, resigned, happy or angry. He didn’t know what to expect, but it was only the first day, so maybe it was too soon for there to be a significant change. The door handle to their quarters creaked as it was turned. Kane looked to the door; he was about to find out.

Abby walked in and she was smiling in a sheepish way. “Hi,” she said.

“Hi.”

She took off her coat and hung it up, dropped her medical bag on the floor next to her chair and walked over to Kane, stopping a foot short of where he was sitting. She stood looking at him, apprehension on her face. Kane smiled, and Abby looked relieved. She returned his smile. Kane had decided while he was waiting for her that holding onto his anger and his hurt about her not trusting him was of no use to Abby. He didn’t want to add to her burden of guilt. The best thing he could do was show her how loved she was at every opportunity. Then maybe she wouldn’t need the pills once the chemical dependency had been kicked.

“How was the rest of your day?” he said.

“Busy.”

“And everything went okay with Jackson?”

“Yes. We have a plan.”

“Good.” Kane smiled again.

Abby stepped closer, looked at him for a long moment. “Can I?” she said, gesturing to his knees.

“Of course.” Kane held out his arms and she settled herself on his lap.

“I know you said I shouldn’t be sorry anymore, but I am.” She looked into his eyes and Kane bent his head and kissed her.

“There’s no need,” he murmured.

“Okay.” Abby put her arms around his neck and they kissed for a long time, Kane enjoying the warmth of her lips, the eagerness of her tongue as it sought his. It made Kane feel alive; it always did when they were together like this. They had to make it through, because he never wanted to let her go.

Abby kissed his cheek, her fingers running through his beard, which never failed to make him moan.

“Do you want to make love?” she whispered.

“Always.”

“I didn’t know if you’d want to, after everything.”

“Hey now.” Kane pulled away so he could look at her properly. “There’s nothing you can do that will make me stop loving you, and this…” he gestured to his body. “This is all yours.”

“Good.” Abby kissed him one last time and then she got to her feet. “I’ll just grab a shower and then yes, you’re all mine.”

“I could join you.” Kane was hopeful that she’d say yes this time but she shook her head.

“No. No, it’s okay. I’ll be quicker alone.”

“Okay.”

Abby nodded and disappeared into the bathroom. The spectre of their last attempt at detox still hung over them. They hadn’t showered together since and Abby had refused to discuss it of course and Kane hadn’t pushed. It wasn’t that important in the scheme of things.

When she returned from the bathroom she closed the door and stood against it, naked. Kane’s pulse raced. No matter what they went through, what she did to him or he did to her, his desire for her never changed. He wanted her so badly, always had.

“You are beautiful,” he said.

She smiled. “And you’re overdressed. Come here.”

Kane crossed to her and she put her arms around his neck and reached up to kiss him.

“I love you,” she whispered, and Kane moaned. All these years together and it still surprised him to hear her say it. He let her undress him, closed his eyes when she ran her hands over his chest, tracing the contours of his muscles down to his groin. He groaned when she took him in hand, stroked his length with hands that were soft but firm and practised. She moved to go down onto her knees, but Kane stopped her.

“No.”

Abby frowned as she looked at him. “Why not?”

“Because I’m close enough already.”

Abby smiled and caressed his cheek. “You’re so easy sometimes.”

“It’s you,” he whispered, and he picked her up and carried her to the bed. “I know how to slow things down,” he said, as he moved to the bottom of the bed. He spread her legs and settled himself between them.

“Take your time,” she said, ruffling his hair.

“Oh, I will.”

He spent a long time licking her and caressing her, opening her up, exploring every part of her with his tongue and his fingers. He wanted her to feel as good as it was possible to feel, better than any drug. When she was pushing herself towards him, trying to get him closer to her clit, he gave in, and circled it with his tongue, slowly, though, building up the pace. Her moans increased with his tempo until she cried out, pressing her hands down onto his head as she quivered beneath him.

“Oh,” she said with a deep sigh. “Oh, that was good, so good.”

“I know what you like,” Kane said.

“Yes, you do. Come here.”

Kane crawled over her until they were face to face. Abby put her hands on his cheeks, brought him to her and kissed him, long and sweet. She wrapped her legs around his back, angling herself so that his cock was nudging at her entrance. He pushed forward, slid inside her and they both groaned. Abby’s arms were round his neck, squashing him to her. Her heels were pressing into his back and there wasn’t a millimetre of space between them. They rocked together. Kane buried his face in her neck, kissing her delicate skin, sucking at it.

There was something desperate about the way she was clinging to him, so unlike Abby, that made his heart hurt, but he supposed she wanted to be close to him, to feel alive like he had wanted earlier. He was trying to fuck her slowly so that the feelings would build and last, but her thrusts towards him were quick and urgent.

“Faster, Marcus. Please.”

He increased his pace and she dropped her hands to his ass, pressing him towards her, encouraging him to go deeper and harder. Their pace grew wild and erratic until Abby was clawing at his back, fingernails digging deep into his skin as she came. Kane’s orgasm was explosive, leaving him collapsed on top of her breathing heavily.

He rolled off her and they lay together on their backs, their loud breaths the only sound. Kane laced Abby’s fingers through his.

“That was…”

Abby laughed. “Yeah.”

She curled into him, put her head on his sweaty chest. “It’s all going to be alright, Marcus.”

Kane put his arm around her, held her to him. “Of course it is. We’re in this together.”

He could feel her smile against his chest, and he stroked her arm.

That was day one of their second attempt.


	3. The Past Is The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A week into their second attempt at detox and Abby is starting to feel the pain.

The changes in Abby over the next few days were small at first, and Kane hardly noticed them. She was more irritable than usual, and she got sweaty and anxious when she was due her next dose, but he’d seen that many times before, especially when something interfered with her routine. He was with her every second that Jackson was not, which was difficult to achieve because Octavia was demanding, and so far they’d managed to keep the true extent of Abby’s condition hidden from her. Nobody was the same as they used to be, the dark year had seen to that, so a strung-out Abby didn’t stand out like she would have if they’d been at Arkadia.

On the seventh day he woke in the middle of the night to find Abby’s side of the bed empty. He looked around but there was no sign of her in the room. From the bathroom came the sound of running water and when he crossed to the room and opened the door she was sitting naked in the shower, hugging her knees. The bathroom was like a sauna there was so much steam, but Abby was shivering. Kane knelt beside her, but she didn’t notice him until he put his hand on her wet hair and then she jumped at the contact.

“Abby! What are you doing? What’s the matter?”

“I can’t get warm.”

“You can’t stay here; you’ll end up all wrinkled.” He smiled but she didn’t smile back. “Let me get you dry. I have spare blankets. They’ll warm you up.” He grabbed a towel and stood waiting for her to get up. She sighed and then she pushed herself to her feet.

“I’ll dry myself.” She held out her hand for the towel and Kane gave it to her. He took his own towel and rubbed it over his head then he went into the main room to strip off his wet shorts and t-shirt. He had just found the spare blankets when Abby came out of the bathroom.

“The best way to get you warm is if we’re both naked under these,” he said, holding the blankets for her inspection.

Abby gave him a wry smile. “I bet.”

“You’re the doctor; you know I’m not lying.” Kane smiled, happy to see some humour in her face.

“I suppose we could give it a try.”

They lay on the bed, wrapped in two blankets and under the bedcover. Kane was hot and uncomfortable within a minute, but Abby’s shivers had lessened and that was all that mattered. He held her tight in his arms and she pressed a kiss to his neck.

“Where did you get these?” she asked. “I thought we were only allowed one bedcover.

“I, er. I appropriated them from people who didn’t need them anymore.”

Abby looked up at him. “Marcus! You could have been caught.”

“I was careful. I picked my moments.”

“You knew we would need them one day.” Abby’s voice cracked, and Kane kissed the top of her head.

“I have faith in you.”

Abby moaned, and Kane held her tighter.

“I don’t deserve you,” she said.

“Of course you do.”

“I don’t.” Abby lifted her head and kissed his cheek, and then her lips traced a path to his lips, and she peppered his mouth with soft kisses that made Kane moan. Her hand strayed to his cock, which was beginning to stir, caressing it, her fingers wrapping around it, squeezing.

Kane groaned. “What are you doing?”

“I could get warm another way,” she whispered.

“You’re in no fit state for that.”

“I can still function in all the necessary ways.” She rolled on top of him, kissing his chest, sucking on his nipples. Kane didn’t think this was a good idea at all, but she was impossible to resist.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I can’t bear to just lie here thinking. It will take my mind off things.” She disappeared beneath the covers and started to kiss her way down his body until her lips were wrapped around his swelling cock and her tongue was sliding up and down his length and all Kane could do was lie back and let her do what she wanted with him. It was a week since they’d last made love and although that didn’t bother Kane the reasons they were doing it troubled him. Last time it had been to assuage her guilt and make her feel alive and this time it was to distract her from her pain. They were in danger of sex becoming a tool in their battle against her addiction and while Kane would do anything it took to make her feel good, to help her in her fight, he was worried about her state of mind, concerned that she wasn’t facing her demons and was simply replacing one feel-good thing with another. She still hadn’t talked to him even though she’d promised she’d try.

He had to admit though, that in truth it felt good to him too, not just the physical act, but the knowledge that she still desired him, that what they had, their relationship, their love, their passion, was something she wanted and needed despite everything.

When she’d worked Kane until he was as hard as he could possibly be, Abby crawled up his body and sank down onto her creation with a sigh.

“Oh, that’s good,” she said as she bent over him, her long hair tickling his chest.

“It is,” replied Kane. He reached down to stroke her head.

“You always feel so good. I love your cock. I love what it can do to me.”

“My cock loves you,” said Kane, never as comfortable with this kind of talk as Abby.

“Hmmm,” she said as she picked up her pace.

Kane watched her as she rode him; her eyes were closed, and her smile seemed more like a grimace, as though she was trying too hard to feel something. It was the same look she had on the rare occasions when she was trying to come but it wasn’t happening. He tried to hold on as long as possible, let her work up a sweat, keep the detox demons at bay a while longer. He was sweating himself from the blankets that were still covering them and the effort it took to hold himself back, so it was a relief when she came with a loud cry and he could let himself go. His orgasm was muted but he didn’t let Abby know that.

“Amazing,” he said, and she smiled and kissed him.

“Yes. I nearly came the moment you were inside me; I had to work really hard to hold back.”

She rolled off him and Kane adjusted the blankets over them. He was surprised at her words.

“You’re not usually so sensitive.”

“I know. The joys of withdrawal.” She rolled her eyes and then a shiver ran through her and she curled into Kane who held her tight.

“I don’t want you stealing for me,” said Abby after a moment.

“What?” said Kane, confused because he was still thinking about the last few minutes and how they’d both been holding back.

“These blankets. I don’t want you putting yourself at risk because of me.”

Kane sighed. “I’d do anything for you, Abby. I can’t help that.”

“Yes, but not that. You’ll end up in the pit. I don’t want you to die for me. Promise me.”

“I promise,” he said, but he didn’t mean it. He would die for her, time and time again in every life they had together, in a thousand alternate universes. It was his fate.

\---

The following day Kane walked Abby to Medical like he did every day. She didn’t speak to him on the journey, which was a relief because she’d been snapping at him since the moment he’d opened his eyes. He didn’t think she’d had much sleep because he’d felt her tossing and turning at various points during the night and when he’d woken she was sitting in her chair glowering at him. He hadn’t been able to do anything right since then. According to Abby he snored, took up too much of the bed, stole the blankets leaving her cold again, breathed too loudly, took too long in the bathroom, and hadn’t left her enough time to get dressed. Kane had withstood it all, because he knew this was a symptom of her withdrawal, but he’d been tempted to ask why, if she’d been up so early, she hadn’t got dressed before him. That remark would have resulted in the removal of his head, so he’d swallowed it down.

When they arrived at Medical Jackson was in the consulting room. Abby glared at him as well.

“Can I have my pills?” She held out a shaky hand towards Jackson and he looked at Kane with a raised eyebrow before taking the bottle from his pocket and depositing the pills in Abby’s hand. She snatched them up and went to the sink to take them with some water.

“How are you feeling today?” ventured Jackson, who was a braver man than Kane it would seem.

“I’m fine. I’ll leave you two to discuss me while I get on with some actual work,” Abby replied, and disappeared into the examination room slamming the door behind her.

“I see it’s started, then,” said Jackson with a grimace.

“Yes. I’m surprised it’s taken this long. She was mostly fine up until yesterday when she couldn’t get warm and today I woke up to that.” Kane gestured to the closed door.

“I didn’t reduce her dose much the first few days because I wanted her to get used to the idea of detoxing psychologically without the distraction of the symptoms. She’ll be starting to feel it now.”

“You don’t say.”

Jackson smiled but then he got serious. “This is when it really starts. She might not be able to make it to work so you’ll have to stay with her.”

“I guess we’re about to develop stomach flu,” said Kane with a wry smile.

“Octavia will send Indra to check on you.”

“I can handle Indra. I have to see Octavia today, so I’ll hint that I’m feeling unwell.”

“She can’t find out about Abby. Any signs of weakness, you know what happens.”

“Don’t worry, I know what to do. Addiction makes liars of us all.” Kane’s laugh sounded hollow even to his own ears.

Jackson nodded. “Good luck with her.”

“Good luck with Abby! I think you’ll need it more than me.”

Kane headed for his meeting with Octavia, hoping that Abby would make it through one more day so he could prepare for their absence. Octavia was highly suspicious of everything and she had a keen ear for lies and obfuscation.  

\---

In the end Kane thought he’d put on a subtle acting performance that had raised nothing more than an eyebrow from Octavia and Indra had confirmed his success when she’d taken him aside after his meeting.

“Don’t come near Blodreina tomorrow if you are sick. She cannot afford to be ill when there is much to do,” she’d said.

Kane had nodded and left with a feeling of relief. He felt like he was prepared for whatever the coming days would bring. He would look back on this moment in the next weeks and laugh at his naivety.

When Abby arrived home she slammed the door behind her and Kane knew her mood hadn’t improved. She dropped her bag on the floor and took off her jacket and Kane could see she was shaking. There were sweat patches on the new shirt he’d found to replace her blue one, and her face was pale and clammy.

“How are you feeling?” he ventured even though it was a stupid question. He didn’t know what else to say.

She looked at him as though she hadn’t realised he was there until he’d spoken. “Like a million dollars.” She flashed him a sarcastic smile and then she disappeared into the bathroom.

Kane had picked up biscuits and soy curd on his return from his meeting and he laid it out on the table while he waited for Abby to make an appearance. When she came out five minutes later she was wearing her vest and underwear and she went over to the bed, got under the covers and pulled the blankets on top. Kane sat on the bed next to her.

“Are you still cold?” He adjusted the blankets around her.

She looked at him as though to say, ‘that’s another stupid question’, and Kane waited for some choice words, but she surprised him by giving him a half-smile.

“Yes. I’m cold and I feel sick.”

Kane brushed damp strands of her hair from her face. “So, you won’t want anything to eat, then?”

Abby made a pretend retching sound and Kane nodded.

“Sorry, I’m saying all the wrong things,” he said.

“You’re fine.”

“Do you want to be alone?”

“Yes, and no.”

“How about I just sit quietly on the bed next to you and if you want to talk we can.”

“Okay.”

Abby curled into a foetal position facing his side of the bed. Kane lay next to her on top of the covers, folding his hands behind his head like a pillow. He listened to her breathing. It was even, but had an edge to it now and then, like a moan or a soft whimper. She was in pain, and it was breaking his heart. They lay silently for a while and then Abby surprised him by speaking, her voice a shaky murmur.

“Do you ever wish we were back on the Ark?”

Kane took a moment to think. “I didn’t, for a long time, but lately…”

“I never would have thought that time would seem simple.”

“Back in the old days, perhaps, before the oxygen crisis.”

“Times were good then.”

“Compared to now, I guess they were, but then I didn’t have you.” He turned so he could look at her, and smiled. She didn’t smile back. Abby probably didn’t see things the same way he did. Back then she’d had her husband and her child and life was tough but fair. She would have been happy. Now all she had was Kane, and this hell.

“The past is the past, I suppose,” she said. She closed her eyes, fell silent. Kane watched her. He didn’t think she was sleeping, just that she didn’t want to look at him. Maybe he reminded her of what she had lost. He was glad she’d spoken, though. It was the first time she’d alluded to their current situation in a long time, albeit obliquely. Kane was hopeful this was a small step to her opening up to him about her feelings.

“You’re my heart,” he said softly. He didn’t think she’d heard him because she didn’t answer, and he was glad. Sometimes he wondered if he revealed too much of himself to her, adding to her burden.

She breathed in deeply, a moan escaping her on the exhale.

“You are mine,” she whispered.

Kane took a sharp breath. He went cold and then warm at her words. A part of him still didn’t believe she truly wanted him, not after everything he’d done to her on the Ark, and on the ground, but she did.

Abby turned over and Kane lay still for a long while, thinking back over their relationship and how they’d got to where they were. He’d do a lot of things differently now, even if it meant that Jake was still alive, and she would never be his. He suspected Abby would too, but they’d both done what they’d thought was best at the time, and there was nothing they could change now. The past was the past, as she’d said. It was the here and now that mattered.

He propped himself up against the headboard and picked up his book from his bedside table. Abby hadn’t spoken again but she wasn’t asleep because she was tossing and turning, and her body was jumping and shaking beneath the blankets. Kane didn’t know what to do for the best, but he figured if she wanted him she would tell him. He settled back with his book and read with one ear open to every sound she made, just in case he was needed.

He woke with a start, his book falling from where it was lying on his chest and onto the floor. He looked towards Abby to see if the noise had disturbed her, but she wasn’t in the bed. His senses were immediately on red alert and that’s when he heard her vomiting in the bathroom. He got up and knocked on the door.

“Abby? Are you okay?”

He heard her retch again and he turned the handle, started to ease the door open when it slammed shut against him.

“No, don’t come in. It’s a mess in here.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does. Go away.”

“Abby…”

“I’m serious, Marcus.”

“Okay. Well, I’m here if you need me.”

He heard her sigh. “Yes,” she said.

Kane debated whether to wait in the room for her or whether to give her space and go elsewhere. It couldn’t be pleasant for her knowing he was just behind the wall, hearing every sound she made. He wasn’t supposed to leave her alone, but he doubted she was in any kind of state to go out looking for pills, even if she was desperate for them.

“I’ll get you some herbal tea,” he said through the door.

She grunted in reply and Kane took that as an affirmative.

When he returned with the tea she was sitting at their desk, her head in her hands.

Kane put down the tray, set her tea in front of her. He stroked her hair. “Drink this. It will make you feel better.”

Abby pushed the cup away. “I can’t.”

“It will settle your stomach.”

“My stomach isn’t upset in that way, and anyway, it wasn’t just vomiting. It… You don’t want to know.”

Kane pulled up a chair next to her and sat down. “Of course I want to know. How can I help if I don’t know what you’re going through?”

“It’s withdrawal, Marcus, you know what it is. We’ve been here before.”

“I didn’t think the symptoms would be as severe this time. I thought we were controlling it.”

“We are, but there’s no cheating it. I have to go through this. Oh.” She put her hand to her mouth and sprinted to the bathroom. Kane listened to her vomiting; he didn’t know how someone who had eaten so little could be sick so much.

When she returned even her lips were pale. Her eyes seemed huge and darker than ever, the dark circles ringing them the only other colour in her face.

“Where is it all coming from?” said Kane.

“God knows. It’s just kind of watery now.”

“Should you eat something?”

“I can’t right now. There’s a bottle in my bag, anti-sickness pills. Can you get them for me?”

Kane rummaged in her medical bag, taking longer than was necessary because he spotted the pills she meant straight away but he wanted to take the opportunity to inspect what else she had in her bag, just in case. There was nothing untoward that he could see, and that was a relief.

“Have you found them?”

“I think so.” He held up the bottle for her to inspect.

“That’s them.”

“Are you sure these are okay to take?”

“Yes, they’re not addictive. They’ll settle my stomach.”

Kane handed the bottle to her and she took out two pills. “I’ll take them with my tea,” she said, and Kane felt absurdly grateful, like he had done at least one thing right.

“Is the bathroom still a mess?” he said, thinking that was one place he could make himself useful.

“Yes. Sorry.”

“I’ll clean it up while you rest.” He started to get up, but Abby stopped him, a startled look on her face.

“No, Marcus. Please don’t. I’ll do it.”

“Abby, you can’t. Look at you!”

“I will do it when I’m feeling better. If you need to pee, you’ll have to go to the men’s dormitory.”

“I don’t mind; it’s what I’m here for.”

“No, it’s not. I don’t want you to see it. Don’t take what little dignity I have left. Please, Marcus.”

Her voice was so desperate that Kane simply nodded and took her hand, stroking the back of it with his thumb.

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll leave it to you.”

“Thank you.” She popped the pills in her mouth and swallowed them with some tea. “The tea is good.”

Kane nodded. “I’ll send a message to Octavia, tell her we won’t be working today.”

“There’s no need for that. I’ll be fine once these pills kick in.”

“Abby, you’re shaking all the time and you’re so pale. You don’t look well. What if Octavia comes to Medical? She’ll know something’s wrong.”

“She’ll know something’s wrong if neither of us turn up for work.”

“I’ve already prepared her for that. She thinks I’m coming down with stomach flu and if I get it then you’re likely to get it, and it’s not exactly a lie in your case, is it?”

“Marcus, I can’t sit around here all day feeling like I want to die. I need to be busy.”

Kane sighed. He didn’t see how he could change her mind. “Then I’ll come with you. I need to do an inventory of medical supplies anyway and I can deflect Octavia if she shows up.”

“I don’t need you with me twenty-four-seven. I’ll have Jackson there to keep an eye on me if you’re worried I’ll do something stupid or try to cheat.”

Kane shook his head. “I don’t know.”

Abby put her hand on top of his. “You can trust me.”

Kane looked at her, at her big brown eyes so full of sincerity. He wished he could trust her, but she’d said these words many times over the years, especially in the early days when she’d said the pills weren’t a problem and then when they clearly were, that she knew what she was doing, that she could handle it, that she could stop any time she wanted. “Trust me, Marcus,” and he had, time and time again, until in the end it had become like a strange game where they both meant what they said and wanted it to be true but at the same time both knew they weren’t fooling themselves or each other. Round and round they went in the same twisted circle.

“Marcus?”

“Yes. Okay.”

“I’ll go and clean up, and then we can leave.”

Kane got dressed while he waited for Abby to finish in the bathroom. He ate a biscuit that was left out from the night before, soft now, but he didn’t care because he was starving. Abby hadn’t eaten anything since he didn’t know when. He wrapped up two more biscuits in case she wanted them later and poured the rest of her tea into a flask.

When she came out of the bathroom she looked perhaps one shade less pale. She’d put some light make-up on her face and braided her hair and she looked for a moment so like her old self it made Kane’s heart leap. He stepped forward to give her a kiss and the illusion was shattered because the dark circles were obvious close-up and her skin had a sheen of sweat even though she’d just showered. She was trembling when he took her in his arms.

“You look beautiful,” he said.

“I look like crap,” Abby replied, “but thank you for the attempt.”

Kane laughed and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “You’re always beautiful to me. Are you sure you’re up for going to work?”

“Yes! Please don’t ask me again because a crime will be committed and one of us will end up in the pit and it won’t be you.”

Kane held his hands in the air in a gesture of surrender. “Okay. Let’s go.”

They walked to Medical hand in hand, Kane carrying Abby’s medical bag, Abby swinging her flask in her other hand, and it was a carefree moment that Kane filed away in his memory to bring out in times of need, of which there would no doubt be many in the weeks to come.


	4. Game On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day Ten, and Kane tries to distract Abby from the worst of her withdrawal symptoms, but there's a problem.

When Kane arrived home from a visit to the hydrafarm he was surprised to find that Abby was already there. She was sitting in her chair and Jackson was sitting in Kane’s. He stood up when Kane entered the room.

“Hi,” said Kane. “Everything alright?”

“Abby’s not feeling well,” said Jackson.

“I can speak for myself, Jackson.” Abby’s voice was sharp-edged.

“Of course.” Jackson looked at Kane with a raised eyebrow.

“What he means to say,” continued Abby, “Is that I vomited all over a patient when I was in the middle of catheterising them.”

“They were unconscious,” said Jackson.

“That was lucky,” said Kane.

Abby pulled a face at him in response. Jackson smiled, but with his head turned so that Abby couldn’t see him.

“I thought it best that Abby come home to rest.”

“Looks like my confinement has begun, so you’re the lucky one,” she said to Kane.

Kane took a deep breath. “Okay then. Eric, will you tell Indra that we’ve come down with stomach flu and won’t be at work for a while.”

Jackson nodded. “If you need anything, let me know.”

“Oh, I will.” He showed Jackson to the door and stepped out into the hallway to speak to him before he left. “I thought the anti-sickness pills would have stopped the vomiting and diarrhoea.”

“They help, but you have to take them regularly and I think Abby keeps forgetting. When I asked her, she couldn’t remember when she’d last taken them.”

“I’ll make sure she takes them.”

“You’re going to need a break, Kane, so send for me, okay?”

“I’ll be fine, but yes if I need you I’ll ask for you.”

“See you do. I’ll be round in the morning anyway to give Abby her dose.”

“See you then.”

Jackson left, and Kane shut the door. When he turned, Abby had taken off her jacket and was standing looking at him, her expression inscrutable.

“Have you eaten anything, drunk anything?” Kane went to pour her a glass of water.

“Whatever I’ve had is now over that patient,” she replied. Kane stifled a laugh. Her tone was matter-of-fact with an edge of annoyance. The Abby he knew and loved.

“Drink this. You need to keep hydrated.”

“Are you telling the doctor what to do?”

“If she won’t tell herself, then yes.”

She sighed but she took the glass from him and sipped it.

“What do you want to do tonight?” said Kane when she’d finished the drink.

“I just want to go to bed.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Well, I’ve been reading…”

“You’ve been reading! Here we go.” Abby gave an exasperated sigh.

“Yes,” said Kane, ignoring her. “And they say that the bed should only be for sleeping or sex, otherwise you associate it with waking activities and it worsens your insomnia.”

“I can’t sleep because I’m constantly restless and in pain and if you think there’s going to be any sex in that bed you can think again.”

“I’m not saying this for my benefit, but for yours. You need distractions, and if sex is out of the question then we’ll have to think of something else.” Kane raised an eyebrow and waited for Abby to respond.

She closed her eyes, sighed deeply, then opened them and looked at him as though he was the biggest pain in the ass she’d ever known.

“Such as?”

“We could play chess.”

“I don’t play.”

“I will teach you.”

Abby tutted. “I’d rather poke my eyes out with a fork.”

Kane laughed even though he suspected she was only half-joking. “Come on, Abby. It’s a game of strategy and nerve. You have to concentrate. It will take your mind off everything.”

“You’re the strategist, not me.”

“Says the woman who masterminded our mapping of the Grounder clan locations.”

“With your help.”

Kane just looked at her with his eyebrows raised, eyes as wide as he could make them. She rarely resisted this look.

Abby rolled her eyes, tutted and sighed, going through her entire repertoire of signals to indicate how annoyed she was with him. Kane remained steadfast.

“Oh, very well. Anything to stop you looking at me like that.”

Kane resisted the urge to gloat; he simply nodded and smiled. “I’ll get the set.”

He arranged the board on the table, put the pieces in their places. “Black or white?” he said as he settled himself into his chair.

“White.”

“Then you go first.” Kane turned the board so that the white pieces were in front of Abby’s chair. She gave one more sigh before she lowered herself carefully into the chair, wincing as her sensitive flesh met the hard seat.

“The small pieces are the pawns. You can move two squares the first time but only one after that. You can only move forward or capture another piece diagonally.”

“I know the rules.” Abby looked up at him slyly.

“I thought you said you didn’t play?”

“I don’t play. Doesn’t mean I don’t know how to.”

“Oh! That’s sneaky.” Kane was surprised because he’d thought he knew everything about her, and here she was coming out with this secret after all these years. He feigned indignance, but he was amused more than anything.

Abby raised her eyebrow and shrugged, but a smile was tugging at her lips.

“Game on, then,” said Kane.

“Game on.”

Abby made her opening move and Kane had to swallow hard watching her because her hand was shaking so badly as she picked up the pawn and set it down. She grimaced as she sat back in her chair.

“Your turn,” she said.

Kane stroked his beard, pretended to think. “I see you’ve gone for the classic Arkadian Defence as an opener. Brave move.”

His remark brought a laugh from Abby, which had been his intention. “Why brave?” she said.

“Because I can counter it with a Polis Gambit.” Kane moved his own pawn and sat back to wait for Abby. She took an age to make each move, frowning as she thought through her options. Kane was tempted to hurry her along but then when he really watched her he realised it wasn’t that she was thinking too hard it was more like it was hard for her to think. Her brain was probably a fog of pain and cravings, and every thought had to make its way through that before she could grasp it.

They spent the evening in that way, playing the slowest game of chess Kane had ever known. When they took a break, Kane poured her some tea from a flask he’d prepared earlier and made her drink it with her anti-sickness pills. She looked dehydrated, her lips dry, her skin sallow. She threw up the first cup, but he encouraged her to try again and this time it and the pills stayed down.

“I’m so tired,” she said.

“I know. Do you want to go to bed now?”

“I won’t sleep.”

“No. Okay, then shall we continue?”

She nodded, and they got back to their game. Kane’s eyes grew heavy and the figures on the board started to swim in his vision until there were twice the number of pieces than there should be. He must have closed his eyes, drifted off because he slowly became aware of Abby calling him.

“Marcus?”

“Hmmm?” He lifted his head, saw her hand stretching out across the table towards him. He took it, laced their fingers together.

“You should go to bed; you’re exhausted.”

“Not without you. I’ll be fine.”

“You’re not fine. Your head nearly dropped on the chess board and conceded the game.”

Kane shook his head, smiled. “As if I would concede from a winning position.”

“You’re not winning.”

“I think I am.”

“No. We’re in the endgame and I have an extra pawn. You can’t win from here.”

Kane looked at the board, at their positions and the pieces they had left. She was right. “You really do know how to play.”

Abby smiled. “Who do you think taught Clarke?”

“I’d assumed Jake.”

Abby’s face was one of shock and indignation. “Why would you assume that? Because I’m a woman?”

“No, because you’ve never shown the slightest interest in chess. I’ve had this chess board four years and whenever I get it out you just roll your eyes and make me play by myself.”

“It’s just so slow. I can’t sit still long enough usually.”

“You’ve managed okay tonight.”

“Well everything I do is slow at the moment, so it suited me.”

They were still holding hands, Abby’s trembling fingers twined with his. He squeezed her gently. “Is it a lot of pain?”

“You remember when we did a night patrol down by the lake and it was so cold the fog seemed to creep right into your bones? You said it was like walking with a ghost inside you.”

“I remember.” That was one of the coldest nights of Kane’s life, one of the few times after they’d defeated the mountain men that he’d wished he was back on the temperature-controlled Ark.

“Well, imagine that times ten. I ache everywhere, right down to my bones, and it’s constant, and exhausting.”

“I’m sorry.”

Abby shrugged. “It’s my own fault.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s the drugs.”

“Yeah, well I took them in the first place, didn’t I.”

“You had to, for your brain, and they are addictive. It happens, Abby, you know it does. It’s not your fault.”

“I could have stopped, but I didn’t. I needed them. I didn’t think I could function without them.”

Kane was surprised and happy that she was talking about this. He didn’t dare move, didn’t want to disturb her train of thought in any way. He must choose his words carefully. “I know, but you will.”

Abby shook her head. “I don’t know. I’m scared, Marcus.”

Kane put his other hand on top of their joined ones. “What are you scared of?”

Abby paused a moment, and Kane wondered if she would tell him her fears or back away. A tear rolled down her cheek. “Of life without them. That it will make me worse.”

“Make you worse? No, Abby, you will feel better.”

“No, I won’t.” Her voice was trembling and rising in pitch. “Because the feelings will still be here. I will still be here.”

She started crying and Kane felt tears prick his own eyes. What was she saying? That she didn’t want to be here? That she’d rather be dead; was that what she meant? He felt sick.

“What feelings? What is troubling you? Tell me.”

She shook her head, took her hands away from his. He was losing her, he knew it. He had to try and make her understand she had nothing to fear. “We’ve all done things we wish we hadn’t, but we did it to survive. That’s all we’ve ever done. You’re no different, Abby. You’ve nothing to feel bad about.”

She put her head in her hands and sobbed and Kane was at a loss as to what else to say to her. He stood up and went across to her chair, crouched beside her and stroked her head. “I love you. I will always love you, no matter what.” His words had the opposite effect to what he intended because Abby cried harder, great, heaving sobs that had her gasping for air.

“Oh, my love.” Kane pulled her to him, wrapping his arms tight around her. She didn’t respond at first and then she turned into his body and her arms went around his back and she wept onto his chest. Kane held her like that until her sobs lessened, and then he pulled away, looking at her grief-stricken face. He wiped the tears away, pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“Promise me you’ll talk to someone, if you can’t talk to me.”

Abby nodded. “I’m okay. I’m sorry for that, it’s the withdrawal, it messes with my emotions.”

Kane didn’t believe her; it was more than a symptom of her withdrawal, but he nodded and smiled and kissed her papery lips. “Let’s go to bed. We’re both exhausted.”

He took her arm and helped her stand, then he walked her over to the bed and she sat passively on the edge while he took off her boots. What little energy she had seemed to have dissipated, and Kane undressed her, pulled the covers back and tucked her beneath her blankets. He stripped off his own clothes and got in next to her, pulling her into him, holding her as tight as he could while she trembled and jumped in his arms. Wetness pooled onto his chest; she was crying again, quietly, as though she didn’t want him to know. He didn’t speak, just lay there with her, his own silent tears falling down his cheeks and onto his pillow.

Where was this all going to end up? He’d thought that they would get through this and then everything would be alright. It would take time, of course it would, but when she had a clear head she would talk, and things would make sense to her and they would be like they used to be. How stupid he was, how naïve. There was something troubling Abby that was deeper than he could imagine. He couldn’t think what it could be, but it was bad enough that she wanted to die. She’d felt like that after he’d saved her from the culling, but they’d got past that, or so he’d thought. Had she been feeling like this all along, was that why she took the pills, because she still wanted to die, but she couldn’t do it decisively, so she was killing herself slowly instead?

His love wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t giving her reason enough to want to live. He had to redouble his efforts, help her find hope, and purpose. How he was going to do that when they were locked in this bunker with no way out he didn’t know, but he could start with improving himself and their relationship, and go forward from there.

After a sleepless night for them both, the following day Abby was quiet and listless. She didn’t want to get out of bed, but Kane pulled the blankets off her and made her sit up while he dressed her in a reverse of what he’d done the previous night. He brushed her hair and then he walked her over to the table and sat her down. He put a glass of water and a biscuit in front of her, but she pushed them both away.

“I’m not hungry.”

“You have to eat and drink. You know that.”

“Where are my pills, I need my pills.”

“Eric will be here any moment with them.”

She sighed. Her legs were jumping, her feet tapping out a restless rhythm on the floor. Her fingers drummed on the table. She was like a one-woman percussion section. The constant thud, thud of her fingers against the wood was getting on Kane’s nerves. He went over to the music player and selected some Beethoven to cover the noise and take his mind off it.

Abby tutted. “Must we listen to this?”

“Unless you want to sit here all day in excruciating silence then yes we must.”

She rolled her eyes and sighed. “Where’s Jackson?”

Kane looked at the clock; Eric should have been there fifteen minutes ago with Abby’s dose. “He’s on his way. Eat your biscuit.”

“No.”

Anger flared in Kane’s belly at her stubbornness, but he kept it down. He sat in his chair opposite her and tried to ignore her tapping. “Shall we finish the game while we wait,” he said, indicating the chessboard.

“What’s the point? I can finish you in two moves.”

“Then you will have the satisfaction of beating me, won’t you?”

Abby closed her eyes and took deep breaths. Kane thought she was never going to open them again she took that long over it, but eventually she did, looking at him as though she was disappointed to find he was still there. She looked down at the board and after a moment’s consideration she moved her rook.

“Check.”

Kane dragged out making his next move just to waste time, make the game last longer, keep the distraction going. He sacrificed his own rook to protect his King and Abby gasped before taking it with her pawn.

“You weren’t expecting that move,” said Kane with a grin.

“You’re just delaying the inevitable,” she said. “Check. Again.”

Kane moved his King to the only space available to him and then Abby moved her rook to block his escape.

“Checkmate,” she said with a raised eyebrow and triumph in her voice.

“Well fought,” said Kane as he pushed his King over and conceded defeat.

“You too.”

Abby resumed her tapping and Kane gathered the chess pieces together, putting them in their box and folding the board on top. He glanced at the clock again. Eric was half an hour late now. Where the hell was he? Kane’s tablet pinged with a message and he picked it up to read it. It was from Eric saying he was caught up in an emergency and couldn’t get to them for a while. Kane’s heart sank. Abby wasn’t going to like this.

“What’s that?” she said.

Kane took a deep breath, turned to look at her. “It’s Eric. He’s delayed.”

“What? How long?” Abby stood up on shaky legs. Her voice had an edge of panic.

“He doesn’t know.”

“Oh, God. I need my pills, Marcus.”

“I know, love. You’ll have to wait.”

Abby sat back down. She didn’t resume her tapping, for which Kane was grateful. Instead she obsessively stroked her hair over and over, tucking it behind her ears time and time again.

“I hope he won’t be long.” She started picking at the dry skin on her lips and Kane went over to her and stayed her hand.

“Don’t do that, you’ll make them sore.”

“Sorry.”

She put one hand on top of the other to keep it still, but it wasn’t long before her fingers strayed to her lip again. She’d picked a piece of skin off before Kane could stop her and a pinprick of blood oozed out. She dabbed her finger on it, looked at it and then sucked the blood off and Kane wanted to scream. Pressure was building inside him, anger and worry and fear bubbling together and threatening to erupt. He stroked his beard to calm himself, tugging at the hairs on his chin. If Eric didn’t arrive soon they were both going to go mad.

“Eat some of your biscuit while we wait. Please, Abby.”

“I’m not hungry, I told you.”

“I know but you need something to line your stomach for when you take your pills.” Kane didn’t know if that was even true, but it did the trick and she broke off some of the biscuit and ate it. She handed a piece to Kane and although he didn’t feel like eating either he took it and ate it with her. She washed it down with some water and Kane relaxed knowing that she’d got some nutrition at last.

“We need another distraction,” he said.

“I’m not playing another game of chess.”

“I know.”

“Or having sex.”

Kane shook his head, ignored that remark. “What did you do to distract Clarke when she was young?”

“Are you comparing me to a child?” Abby was indignant.

“Of course not,” replied Kane, although the description was more apt than he would admit. “I’m simply trying to take our mind off the waiting.”

“Oh. Well we used to play I Spy.”

“I Spy?”

“Yes. You look around the room and find an object then you say I spy with my little eye something beginning with A, or whatever. Then the other person has to guess what the object is.”

“That won’t be difficult in this small room,” said Kane with a laugh.

“You go first, then.”

Kane looked around until he found an object. “I spy with my little eye something beginning with B.”

Abby sighed. “Bed.”

“Yes.”

“You’re so predictable.”

“Sorry.”

They took a few turns at the game and then he saw Abby’s face go white and she jumped up and ran to the bathroom. She didn’t make it in time and threw up a couple of feet short of the door. She slumped against the wall and Kane ran over to her.

“I didn’t make it,” she said. Kane pulled her hair away from her face. She was sweating profusely, her hair wet, her skin pale and damp.

“It’s okay.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Don’t worry.” He picked her up and sat her on the bed. “I’ll clean it up.”

He was about to go into the bathroom to get the bucket and cloth when his tablet pinged again. He checked the message. Eric was going to be tied up most of the day.

“Is he coming?”

Kane went over to her, perched next to her on the bed.

“No, love. He can’t make it.”

Abby gripped Kane’s arm. “I can’t go all day without them, Marcus.”

“I know.”

“You have to do something. Please. Go and get them from Jackson.”

Kane shook his head. “I can’t. I’m supposed to be sick, and besides, I’m not leaving you alone.”

Abby’s tone grew desperate. “You can leave me. What am I going to do? Look, Marcus.” She drew him closer to her, whispered in his ear as though they were in danger of being overheard. “You don’t have to go to Jackson. There’s someone else. Osias. He’s a… he’s a friend. He’ll help.”

Kane felt sick. He didn’t want to hear this, didn’t want to think of her doing some sordid, secret deals for her pills. That was junkie behaviour, and Abby wasn’t that kind of addict. He still had the pills he’d hidden behind the sink, but she didn’t know they were there, and he was worried that the knowledge would be a temptation to her as the detox progressed. He looked at her; she was so desperate; in pain, shaking and sweating, her muscles restless, her pulse racing where her thumb pressed into his skin. He couldn’t make her go through this and worse all day.

“I can get you some,” he said.

“You can? Oh, please, Marcus. Thank you.” She smiled at him, ran a shaky hand down the side of his face.

“I’ll just be a minute.” He went into the bathroom, prised the panel away and took out the pills. He went back into the main room.

“I don’t know what your dose should be.”

Abby took the bottle from him, looked at the strength of the tablets. “I’ll need three of these.”

Kane hid his surprise. Three pills, and this was after ten days of detox. She must have been taking a lot more than he’d thought.

“Okay.” He took the bottle from her and went to get the glass of water before returning and handing her three pills. She swallowed them and then she sat back with her head against the pillow and closed her eyes.

“I didn’t know you still had these,” she said.

“I didn’t want you to know.”

“I won’t cheat, Marcus, I promise.”

“I know,” said Kane, but after witnessing her desperation when she thought she wasn’t getting her pills he wasn’t so sure. “Try to rest.”

He got up and went back to the bathroom, putting the pills back in their hiding place. He filled the bucket with hot water and got a cloth and cleaned up the vomit. It was watery and yellow-tinged, and he made a note to look up what that meant later. When he’d finished cleaning and went over to Abby she was still slumped against the headboard. Her eyes were closed, and her breathing was deep and even. He wasn’t certain she was asleep, but he didn’t disturb her just in case. She needed the rest.

Kane sat in his chair, put on some Mozart and picked up the medical textbook he’d been reading earlier. He flipped through the pages until he found the information he was looking for. With so little in her stomach Abby was bringing up stomach acid and bile. That had to be painful and damaging to her throat. He’d visited the hydrafarm earlier on behalf of Octavia and the recovery after the blight was well underway, but vegetables were still so scarce. He suspected that there would be some form of black market in operation because whenever there was a crisis there was always a Nygel willing to exploit it. Abby needed something tasty and nutritious to tempt her to eat but their rations were confined to biscuits and soy curd. He’d make some enquiries, see if he could obtain some vegetable broth for her. The irony of him trading on the black market when he used to float people for such a crime was not lost on him, and he laughed bitterly. He’d have to lie to Abby about how he’d obtained the food, because he could end up in the pit for this, and he’d promised her he wouldn’t put himself at risk.

He closed his eyes for a moment, just to rest. He thought about the Ark, of all the people who’d passed before the Council, all the stories he’d heard, the reasons, the excuses, the pleading. He’d ignored it all, dismissed them with hardly a second thought. They knew the rules, and the consequences of breaking them. It had all seemed so simple to him. Now he knew. Now he understood the desperation, the lengths to which people would go to help the ones they loved, to save them. He’d do anything for Abby; she was the only thing that mattered.

“I’m sorry,” he said to the ghosts of the dead. “Forgive me.”


	5. A Little Learning is a Dangerous Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kane and Abby have visitors, not all of whom are welcome. Kane goes on a mission to help Abby but soon wishes he hadn't.
> 
> A translation of the Trig language used in this chapter can be found in the notes at the end, although the text should explain it enough hopefully.

Kane woke and looked around him with surprise. He’d been dreaming about Polis and the first time he’d woken up with Abby by his side. He’d stretched his arm out to touch her and there was nothing but air. That’s when he realised he was sitting in a chair in their small quarters in a bunker that he might never escape from. He would never again stand with his arms around Abby’s waist as they looked out of the high window of the tower across the plains to the mountains beyond. They’d made love in front of that window, and everywhere in that room, every chance they’d got.

“You’re awake.” Abby’s voice broke into his thoughts and he turned towards the sound. She was lying on her side on the bed watching him.

“Yes, sorry. I must have drifted off for a few minutes.”

“Few hours.”

“What?” Kane looked at the clock; three hours had gone past since he last remembered checking the time. He got up and went over to the bed, sat down on it next to Abby. “I was dreaming about Polis,” he said as he stroked her hair. She was wet through with sweat, her face pale, her eyes dull.

“Polis?”

“Yes. Our first time together.”

“Hmmm.”

“I couldn’t believe I was so lucky to be waking up next to you.” He smiled at her, took her hand, pressed a kiss to the back of it.

“Not now.”

“Not now what?”

“Lucky.”

“Now more than ever.”

Abby shook her head. “No.”

“Yes.” He leaned in and kissed her, tasting the iron tang of blood from where she’d been worrying the area of her lip she’d picked earlier. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

Abby closed her eyes. “I don’t know how you can even look at me.”

“Because I love you. Don’t close your eyes; don’t shut me out.”

“You should leave me, find someone else,” she said, her eyes still closed, tears forming in the corners.

“Like who? Indra?” Kane tried to put a laugh into his voice, but it was hard because he felt like crying too.

“She likes you.”

“Not in that way.” Kane stood up. This was the depression that came with detox talking, and he wasn’t going to indulge her, it was better to be practical. “I don’t want anyone else, so I’m afraid you’re stuck with me. Now, it’s time for your anti-sickness pills.”

He got some water and the pills, and he helped her sit up in the bed so she could take them.

“Were you okay while I was asleep? You weren’t sick or anything else?”

“No.”

“Good. Are you going to get up now? The day’s half over.”

“I don’t want to.”

“It’s better for you to be up.”

Abby shook her head, turned over away from Kane, slid down beneath the blankets and pulled them so they were almost covering her head. Kane sighed. There was nothing he could do short of pulling the blankets off her and dragging her out of bed and he didn’t have the heart to do that.

“I’m here if you need me.” Abby didn’t respond so he left her and went back to his chair. He picked up his tablet. He needed to source some good food for Abby, and he wanted to find out more about this Osias character she’d mentioned. Who was he, what kind of friend, and what had he been doing for Abby, what had she been doing for him? This probably wasn’t a road he should travel down but he had to think about her post-recovery, how to prevent her relapsing and he couldn’t do that if he didn’t know what dangers were waiting to trap her.

He had to be careful in both missions; there were very few people he trusted in the bunker other than Jackson and Abby. There was Indra, but she was too close to Octavia to entrust with this. He sometimes used Penn when he was conducting his investigations into criminal activity. He was one of Indra’s men whom Kane had met when the Grounders came to Arkadia for the first time many years before. Penn had grudgingly admired Kane’s shooting prowess and they’d become if not friends then warm acquaintances. Since they’d been in the bunker it had become clear to Kane that Penn wasn’t a fan of Blodreina and by working together they’d formed a mutual respect. Kane thought he could trust him to make some enquiries on his behalf. If anyone found out what they were doing it wouldn’t be suspicious as they did this kind of work often.

Kane messaged Penn asking him to come to his quarters, and then he messaged Eric and told him he’d given Abby three pills from his secret stash and that he didn’t need to come around. He glanced over at Abby. She was quiet, too quiet, so he went to check on her. She was in the same position as before, lying on her side, staring into the distance. Her tremors were as bad now as they were last time they’d detoxed but she didn’t seem to notice; it was as though she had slipped away from herself. Kane hoped she wouldn’t like where she’d gone so much she wouldn’t want to come back. He considered shaking her but he couldn’t do it. If she’d found somewhere peaceful he didn’t want to pull her away from there.

Kane sat at the table and worked on a plan of action for when Penn arrived. An hour went by and then there was a knock at the door. Kane opened it and Penn was standing there. He nodded when he saw Kane.

“Ha yun, ai lukot. Ai laik hon yu in osir sisplei,” said the grounder.

“Mochof, ai lukot.” Kane was glad Penn was here and willing to help. He looked around to see whether Abby had stirred. She was still in the same position. “Min yu op,” he said as he gestured to Penn to come in and take a seat.

The grounder pulled out a chair and sat down. “Chit yu gaf?”

“Gonasleng, beja.” Kane’s mastery of Trigedasleng had improved a lot after six years in the bunker but it still took him a while to translate the language in his head and he didn’t have time for that today. It would be easier to speak in English.

“What is the problem, my friend?” Penn looked across to the bed, frowned, and then regarded Kane with a penetrating look.

Kane sat forward so that he was closer to Penn. He didn’t want Abby to overhear any of this.

“Abby is unwell; I don’t want to disturb her, so please talk quietly. I’d like you to make some enquiries into a possible black market in vegetables from the hydrofarm.”

“You are suspicious?” Penn sat forward as well, his head close to Kane’s.

“There have been some anomalies.” That was a lie because Kane had no evidence of any wrongdoing other than his past experience on the Ark and his knowledge of human behaviour, but he needed Penn to think this was a legitimate task.

“Anyone I should look at?”

“No. I don’t have much information. I want you to concentrate on what people are selling, and in what form.”

“Form?”

“Are they selling them raw or is someone making them into a broth?”

“Kei.”

“I need this information quickly, Penn, but I don’t want Blodreina to know we’re looking into this. Not yet. Do you understand?”

“Ai get em in.” Penn nodded his understanding and stood to leave. Behind them the bed creaked as Abby turned over. She moaned.

“Marcus?”

“I won’t be a minute, love.”

Kane opened the door and ushered Penn through it. He looked up and down the corridor before he next spoke. “One more thing. Do you know a man called Osias?”

Penn shook his head. “He is not Trikru. Who is that?”

“Just someone I’m interested in knowing more about. Can you find out? Report only to me on both these matters.”

“En’s ogud. Yu na wich em in.”

“Mochof.” Kane shook Penn’s hand and then closed the door behind him. He hoped the grounder was right and he could trust him, otherwise he, Abby and probably Jackson would all be for the pit. Octavia wouldn’t care if that meant there were no doctors, and Kane was easily replaceable, he had no doubts about that.

“Marcus?”

“Yes, I’m coming.” Kane crossed the room and sat on the bed next to Abby. There was no colour in her face at all, but he could feel heat coming from her. He put his hand on her forehead; she was burning up. “You’re too hot.”

Kane peeled back the blankets from over her; they were damp to his touch. Her vest and underwear were wet through. “How long have you been like this?”

Abby shrugged. “Who was here?”

“Penn. He gave me an update on an investigation.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll have to change the bedding, get you into some clean clothes. Lift your arms.”

Abby did as he asked, and Kane pulled her top over her head.

“Now your hips.”

“I can do it.” She eased her underwear down and handed them to Kane. “You shouldn’t be doing this.”

“It has to be done. Besides I’ve undressed you many, many times.” He smiled.

“Not like this.”

“You would do the same for me. I’ll get you a towel.” He fetched a towel from the bathroom, left her to dry herself while he got her a clean vest and pants. She managed to dress without his help and Kane led her to her chair while he dealt with the bed. He laid the blankets out on the floor to air and then stripped the sheet and took it into the bathroom where he turned on the shower and let the water fall onto it. He couldn’t risk sending it to the laundry because the frequency with which he had to do that would be noticed. He wrung out the sheet and draped it over the shower wall, then he washed Abby’s vest and underwear in the sink and hung them on a line he’d concocted for the purpose a couple of weeks back. He was determined to keep her clean and presentable whether she cared or not, even if that meant washing the same things over and over again day after day.

That job done he returned to the main room. “Do you want something to eat?”

Abby curled deeper into her chair, shook her head.

“You have to eat something, Abby.”

“I can’t. I just don’t want it.”

“Force yourself. You will feel better.” Kane went to hand her a biscuit, but Abby pushed his hand away.

“I said no.”

“I can’t help you if you won’t help yourself.”

“I’m doing the best I can.”

“No, you’re not. You’re hiding under a blanket and feeling sorry for yourself. What’s the point of getting clean if you’re dead from starvation?”

Abby didn’t answer, just shook her head and looked at him like he was the world’s biggest idiot.

“You’re driving me insane,” he said, letting his frustration get the better of him, which he instantly regretted because she narrowed her eyes and glared at him.

“Then leave me, like I told you to do.”

“No. You are not the only stubborn one.” Kane sat in his chair and picked up his textbook. He wasn’t interested in reading it; he wanted some distance from Abby for a few moments, and there was nowhere else to go. He could see her out of the corner of his eye. She was picking at a scab on her arm, and then she stopped to wipe her eyes before carrying on picking. Kane lifted his textbook higher to block her out. He felt terrible for doing it, especially when she was clearly upset, but his anger wouldn’t let him go over to her and comfort her, so he remained where he was.

They sat in silence, Kane pretending to read, Abby picking at herself and sighing, until there was a knock on the door. Kane looked up in surprise. It was surely too soon for Penn to be back with news.

“Who’s that?” Abby put her arms around herself to cover up.

“I don’t know, do I?” Kane fetched one of the blankets from the floor and covered her with it, tucking it around her so only her head was visible. “We both have stomach flu, remember?”

She nodded, her brow knitted into a frown. She looked small and vulnerable wrapped in the blanket and Kane’s anger melted away. He kissed her warm forehead. “I’ll get rid of them.”

When he opened the door, Indra was standing there, and Kane knew he wouldn’t be getting rid of her easily.

“Kane.”

“Indra.”

“May I come in?”

“Of course.” Kane held the door open and Indra passed by him. She nodded at Abby.

“I heard you were unwell.”

“Yes. You shouldn’t get too close to us.” Kane moved near to Indra as he passed to try to scare her away, but she was unmoved. He stood behind Abby’s chair, one hand on the back, touching her hair, in the hope she would feel reassurance.

“Your sicknesses have no effect on me. What is the nature of the illness?”

“Stomach flu,” replied Kane. “Very unpleasant.”

Indra looked around the room, her eyes lingering on the bare mattress, the second blanket and the bedcover on the floor. Then she turned to Abby, wrapped in a third blanket. “So I see.” Kane’s heart sank under her gaze. He had completely forgotten that the other blankets were in full view. They were only supposed to have one between them and there were three staring Indra in the face. He kept quiet, let her bring the subject up if she wished.

“You are well prepared.”

“Yes. Friends have been kind.”

Indra stepped closer, and Kane put his hand on Abby’s shoulder, squeezed her gently.

“Blodreina would like to know when she can expect you back at work, Abby. Dr Jackson is… well he’s not you.”

“It will be a few days, Indra. Abby is…” Kane didn’t get to finish the sentence because Indra interrupted him.

“I was asking Abby.”

Abby was shaking beneath the blanket and starting to heat up again. Kane could feel her tremors.

“Marcus is right,” said Abby, her voice weak and shaky. “I have a severe case of gastroenteritis. It could be up to a week before I’m better.”

“Is there a threat to Wonkru from this illness?”

“No one else has reported symptoms. Jackson is monitoring the situation.”

Indra nodded. “Very well.” Kane was relieved until she turned her dark-eyed gaze on him. “Abby is clearly suffering, but you seem unaffected, Kane.”

“Oh, I’m affected, believe me. You wouldn’t want to go in the bathroom right now.” Kane pulled a face and Indra raised an eyebrow in response. “My case is not as severe as Abby’s, although she fell ill before me, so I probably have this to look forward to.”

“Did you touch anything on your way in, Indra?” Abby sat straighter in her chair, lowered the blanket.

Indra frowned. “I don’t believe so.”

“Nevertheless, I would advise you to go to Medical and wash your hands in an antiseptic bath before you touch anything else. We wouldn’t want this to spread.”

“I will do that.” Indra’s stern face softened. “Can I get you both anything. Food, drink?”

“That is kind of you,” said Kane, “But Doctor Jackson is supplying us with everything we need.” He felt Abby stiffen beneath his hand, and he squeezed her shoulder again. Poor choice of words, Kane, he thought.

“Then I shall leave you to recover. Ste yuj.”

“Muchof, ai lukot.” Kane showed Indra to the door and closed it behind her. He stood against it and took a deep breath. “I think we got away with that.”

“Who knows with Indra.” Abby smiled. “You’re sexy when you speak Trig.”

“Really?” Kane walked towards her.

“Yes.” Abby reached up and took his hands in hers.

Kane knelt before her. “Ai sonraun laik yu sonraun.”

“What does that mean?”

“You really should have learned some words by now.”

“Why? I have you, and everyone speaks English.”

Kane laughed. “It means my life is your life.”

Tears ran down Abby’s cheeks. “Marcus.”

“It’s true.”

“I know.” She stroked his face, ran her thumb over his lips. “Ai hod yu in.”

“You know the most important words.”

“I do.” She brought his lips to hers and kissed him, her hands holding his head, fingers curled into his hair with a tight grip. “I love you, I love you. Don’t leave me,” she whispered.

“Never.”

Kane laid his head in Abby’s lap and she stroked his hair. They stayed like that until Kane’s tablet pinged with a message and he stood up reluctantly and went over to see what it was. It was Penn. He had information on the black market, and on Osias.

“Is it Jackson?” said Abby.

“No. It’s Penn. About work. You rest.”

Abby settled back into her chair and pulled her blanket around her. Kane sat at the table and read the message. There was a black market as Kane had suspected, and not just in vegetables but in herbs and medicines and anything that could be grown or manufactured in the bunker. What’s more, when Penn had made enquiries as to who could help procure these items the name Osias had come up. He had to be the ‘friend’ Abby had mentioned. He was a dealer, and she must have been using him to get extra pills. What had she been trading with him to obtain them? Kane didn’t want to know, but at the same time he wouldn’t be able to rest until he’d seen this man, got the measure of him and what he was about.

He was also desperate to get Abby to eat, because she was wasting away before his eyes, growing thin and sallow, listless and weak. The more energy she lost, the worse she would get. Maybe this was another way for her to kill herself, if she couldn’t do it with the pills, but Kane was damned if he was going to let her. Maybe Osias was the key to both Kane’s problems. He had to meet him and somehow obtain food for Abby. He couldn’t let Penn do it, because that would put him at risk, and Kane couldn’t allow that. This was a problem of Abby and Kane’s making, and he would be the one to solve it.

He messaged Eric to see if he could come and stay with Abby later. He didn’t expect to hear from him straight away as he hadn’t answered the previous text, but his tablet pinged, and Eric confirmed he would be free that night. There remained the problem of what to tell Abby. She wasn’t sleeping so it wasn’t as though Kane could slip out unnoticed. He’d have to come up with a reason to be wandering the bunker when he was supposed to be sick. He also had to find something to trade with Osias if he decided he could be trusted to get the broth. Kane went into the bathroom and took a handful of Abby’s pills from their hiding place. He put them in his pocket before making up the bed and then settling into his chair to read.

He didn’t take in much of his book; he spent most of the time watching Abby as she shivered in her chair, alternately pulling the blanket tighter then pushing it off when she got too hot. He had to prepare her for his absence.

“Abby?”

“Yes.”

“Eric will be here soon.”

Abby pulled her blanket down from where it was covering her head so she could look at him. “what for?”

“I need to go out for a short time.”

Abby struggled to sit up straighter. “Where are you going?”

“I need to follow up something to do with an investigation I was working on.”

“Is that why Penn was here?”

“Yes.”

“No, Marcus. You’re supposed to be sick. You can’t go out there!”

“I have to, Abby. It can’t wait.”

“Let Penn do it. Please.”

“It’s not something Penn can do. It needs my level of access.”

She frowned. Kane was certain she could see right through his lies, because she had always been able to see into the heart of him, but she was dulled by her pain and she wasn’t the Abby of old.

“What if you get caught?”

“I won’t get caught.”

“I don’t like it.”

“I won’t be long, and it will be nice for you to have Eric here, won’t it? You must be sick of me by now.”

She sighed, and frowned, and looked as though she was about to say something, when there was a light knock on the door.

“That will be Eric,” Kane said, and he opened the door to let the doctor in.

“Evening both,” said Jackson. “I’ve brought you something, Abby.”

Abby smiled, and her eyes brightened. “What is it?”

“A game.”

Abby groaned. “It’s not chess, is it?”

Jackson looked perplexed. “Er, no. It’s a diagnostic game. I’ve got a patient with some complex symptoms and I thought you could help me figure it out.”

“Oh, yes! I can do that.”

“I was hoping you would, because it’s got me stumped.”

Kane was so happy to see Abby smiling and excited he got a lump in his throat. He patted Eric on the back. “Why don’t you take a seat,” he said, gesturing to his chair. He went over to Abby, kissed her head. “I’ll be back soon, I promise.”

He left the room before she could say anything to stop him and strode down the hallway as confidently as he could. He’d decided the best course of action was to be in plain view, to look as though he was meant to be there, and then people would think nothing of it. If he lurked and skulked around and was caught, there was no plausible explanation. His main concern was if Indra or any of her kru saw him. He could explain being in this part of the bunker by saying he was going to medical for supplies, but once he left the administration area for the dormitories he would have no good reason for being there. It would have been easier if Osias had operated from the Mess or somewhere public, but Penn said he was a nomad who had allied with Sankru as they used to be known. Their dorm was on the other side of the bunker to Kane’s quarters.

As he made his way along the dimly-lit hallways Kane thought about Abby making the same journey. She wouldn’t need an excuse, of course, as a doctor. Very few places in the bunker were off limits to her. Would she have had the same trepidation as Kane, though, the same adrenaline in her veins, the fast heart rate, the sweaty palms? Probably, although hers would have been because she wanted her next fix, not because she feared being caught and flung into the pit to fight to the death. Somehow Kane didn’t think she’d care if that happened to her. Would she care if it happened to him? Yes, she would. She’d be mad as hell if she knew what he was doing right now. He still didn’t know how he was going to explain the broth to her, assuming he was successful in getting some.

He heard footsteps ahead of him, and despite his decision to stay in plain sight panic overtook him, and he squeezed himself into a dark alcove. A dark figure strode by and Kane waited, listening to the footsteps echoing away into the distance before he slipped out of his hiding place and continued his journey. He was nearing Sankru territory and he expected there to be a guard on duty at the entrance to their dorms because despite everyone being Wonkru the old clan divisions still existed deep down, and as he turned a corner he saw that there was. He stepped back out of sight and considered his options. A voice cutting through the darkness startled him and he jumped, his heart racing so fast he felt sick.

“What is former Ambassador Kane doing all the way out here in the dead of night?” The voice had a low, menacing tone and Kane turned in its direction. A figure emerged from the gloom, tall with dark hair and a long, thick beard that came down to his chest. Kane didn’t recognise him.

“I’m looking for someone,” said Kane, deciding that honesty was the best policy and more likely to get him what he wanted.

“And who might that be?”

“His name is Osias. He’s, er. I have some business with him.”

The man looked Kane up and down and nodded. “I see. Is this business on behalf of your wife, the fisa?”

Kane was startled at the man’s words. This must be him, Osias. Why else would he mention Abby? “What do you know about Doctor Griffin?”

The man laughed. “Oh, I know her very well, very well indeed. How is she? I haven’t seen her in some time and I’ve missed her.”

Kane lunged at Osias, but the man dodged out of the way, and before Kane knew it, his arm was twisted up his back and Osias was pressing him to the wall.

“She’s a very good customer, very willing, very appreciative,” he whispered into Kane’s ear, and Kane went cold all over at his words.

“You bastard.” Kane struggled but he was held in a tight grip and couldn’t get free.

“That’s me. Are you willing to be good if I let you go? No trying to hit me again, no bad language?”

Kane took a deep breath. He wanted to pummel this man into the ground, make him unrecognisable to his own mother, but that wouldn’t get him what he needed.

“Yes,” he said.

“Very well.” Osias let Kane go and the two men stood facing each other. “What can I do for you?”

Kane sighed. He knew this was a mistake he was going to regret for a long time, but he was here now, he might as well finish what he’d started no matter the consequences. “I need food. Fresh food.”

“I see. And what do I get in return?”

Kane fished around in his pocket, brought out the pills he’d taken from his stash. He showed them to Osias. “These.”

“Hmmm. Well now, I don’t know this is enough. If the fisa gets clean I’m losing a good customer, and a good supplier.”

Kane glowered at the man. “What do you want?”

“How about I let you know, when I’m ready.”

“No. Let’s make the deal now, get it over with.”

“No, no, no.” Osias shook his head. “You do not have the power here, Haihefa Kane. I will tell you what I need when I am ready to do so.”

“I need the food now,” said Kane, hating the pleading, desperate tone that had crept into his voice. He thrust the pills at Osias. “Take these.”

“I do not need those, they are worthless. I am sure you will be needing them again soon enough, when the fisa fails as she surely will.”

“Let me have some food, ai beja yu daun.”

Osias smiled. “As you beg so nicely in my language, I will do you this favour, and then you can return it. I will send what you want to your quarters tomorrow. And if you do as I ask, it will keep coming.”

Kane closed his eyes. This was going to end badly, he knew it.

“What do you say?” said Osias.

“Mochof.”

“That’s better. Until we meet again, as your people say.”

Osias stood aside and Kane passed him and headed back down the hallway as fast as he could. He’d got what he wanted, he supposed, but it felt like a loss. All his working life he’d stayed above temptation while those around him succumbed to bribes and blackmail. He’d lived an honest life and there’d never been anything for anyone to hold over him until now. It was a horrible feeling, making him sick to the stomach, and nothing had even happened yet. It had to be done, it had to. There was no choice. He had to do everything possible to get Abby to eat.

He kept his head down as he traversed the hallways back to the administration centre and his own quarters. Osias’ words went around and around in his mind. Abby was willing, and appreciative. Willing and appreciative. What did that mean? What had she done to get her pills? What had that loathsome man taken from her? How had she shown her appreciation? He tried to think of all the ways that could be interpreted, all the things she could have done, like giving him medicines or other supplies. It could be any one of a hundred things, but the man’s leering face and smirk was lodged in his brain, and all he could see was Abby taking her pills, and sinking to her knees, or getting on some filthy bed. No! No, no, no, no, no! Don’t go there, don’t go there, don’t go there. She wouldn’t. She would never do that, never sink that low. She would come to him first, tell him what she needed rather than be reduced to that. He tried to convince himself of that, but the nagging voice wouldn’t shut up. She hadn’t come to him; he wouldn’t have even known if she hadn’t collapsed in Medical and been found by Jackson. She’d still be taking the pills, still be going to Osias, still be doing whatever it took to get what she wanted and hide it from Kane. Why had he done this? Why had he gone to see this man? He had known it would lead down the wrong path and so it had proved.

He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he was back at his quarters before he realised. He tried to compose himself, took deep breaths, and put a smile on his face before opening the door and going inside. Abby and Jackson both looked up at him and smiled.

“Glad you’re back,” said Abby.

“Glad to be back,” replied Kane. “What have you two been up to?”

“I solved Jackson’s problem.”

“She did,” said Jackson.

“You would have got there eventually.”

“Not quick enough. It’s why I need you.”

“I’ll be back soon.”

“I know you will.” Jackson kissed Abby’s cheek and then he went to the door. Kane followed him.

“Thank you for taking care of Abby while I was gone.”

“I’m happy to do it. I’ve missed her. Are you okay? You look pale.”

“I’m fine. I’m just tired. Neither of us has been sleeping.”

“I can prescribe you both some sleeping aids if you like.”

“No,” said Kane, more fiercely than he intended. “No more pills.”

“Okay. Well, if you don’t mind me giving you Abby’s next dose now, I’d be grateful.” He handed three pills to Kane who put them in his other pocket, not wanting to confuse them with the ones for his stash. “I can’t be here again in the morning. Blodreina has me covering Abby’s rounds as well as Medical.”

“I’m sorry you have to cope with all this, Eric.” Kane patted Jackson on the arm.

“We’ll have our Abby back soon.”

Kane nodded, but didn’t reply. He shut the door behind Jackson and turned towards Abby. “Have you eaten anything, drunk anything?”

She shook her head. “I’m not hungry, but I will have a drink.”

“Okay.” Kane poured her a glass of water and gave her the anti-sickness pills.

“Did everything go okay?”

“With what?” Kane had drifted back to his meeting with Osias while Abby took her pills and he wasn’t really listening to her.

“With your investigation. Did you get what you wanted?”

Kane flopped into his chair. He stroked his beard while he looked at Abby. He should ask her now about Osias instead of letting it fester, but one look at her white face and huge dark eyes and he knew he couldn’t do it.

“I’m not sure what I got was what I wanted, but it was useful, yes.”

“I’m glad. I want to go to bed, Marcus.”

“Yes, okay, it’s late.” Kane stood and helped Abby out of her chair and over to the bed. He tucked her in and got in next to her. She turned towards him and reached out to stroke his face, but he intercepted her hand and held it between their bodies instead. He didn’t want to feel her touch on him, not after what he’d just learned. It was too much. He turned away from her and stared at the wall. Another sleepless night lay ahead for them both, and then who knew what tomorrow would bring. She’d get her broth, hopefully, and start to eat, but at what price to Kane?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of the Trig spoken in this chapter:
> 
> Ha yun, ai lukot. Ai laik hon yu in osir sisplei - Hello my friend. I am here to help.  
> Mochof, ai lukot - Thank you, my friend.  
> Min yu op - enter  
> Chit yu gaf - what do you want?  
> Gonasleng, beja - English, please.  
> Kei - okay  
> Ai get em in - I understand  
> En’s ogud. Yu na wich em in - It's okay. You can trust me.  
> Mochof - Thank you.  
> Ste yuj - stay strong  
> Ai sonraun laik yu sonraun - my life is your life  
> Ai hod yu in - I love you  
> Fisa - healer  
> Haihefa - King  
> Ai beja yu daun - I beg you


	6. Where There's Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For there to be light, there must first be darkness

Kane rose late the next day having had a fitful night with little sleep. He’d been up with Abby complaining of sickness and abdominal pains, but the only thing to come out of her had been a stream of foul-smelling bile that had turned Kane’s stomach, making him vomit as well. They’d spent half the night sitting on the bathroom floor and the other half lying restlessly in bed and now he was exhausted. He forced himself to get up and he went around to Abby’s side of the bed and flung the blankets off her.

“Come on, we’re having a shower.”

Abby groaned. “Leave me alone.”

“No. We get up, we get clean, we start a new day. Come on.” Kane took hold of her arm and she let him pull her to her feet.

He turned the shower on, stripped off their clothes and got under the hot jet with Abby in his arms. The water felt so good as it cascaded over them, warming Kane’s blood, bringing him to life.

“I’ve missed this,” he said as he kissed her forehead.

Abby put her arms around him, laid her head against his chest, and it felt so good he wrapped himself around her, pressed her tightly to him. He forgot for a few moments what he’d learned the day before, his fears about Abby’s actions, and he swayed with her, as though they were dancing to a tune only they could hear. The water started to cool, and he remembered they were here to get clean, not to waste time in a past that seemed distant and unobtainable.

Kane picked up the soap and he washed his hair with it then he ran it over Abby’s head, down the long strands, massaging it into her scalp. She always complained how much it hurt to brush her hair and he could see why; it was a tangle of knots and he was only making it worse with his actions. It would be easier if she had it cut short, but Kane was glad she didn’t. He loved her long hair, how it framed her face, how it stuck up everywhere in the morning, how it felt as it tickled his chest when she was leaning over him, making him feel good, fucking him, loving him. He sighed.

“This is going to be the devil to get the brush through,” he said as he washed the soap suds away.

“Use the brush in the shower.”

“What do you mean?”

“Brush it under the water. It helps.”

“Okay. Stay there.” He left her clinging to the wall while he got the brush, and she was right, it wasn’t as hard as he’d imagined and he only had to apologise twice when he pulled too hard and she yelped.

The cloth Abby used was hanging on the rail and he handed it to her.

“Are you going to take care of yourself?”

She nodded and gripped his arm with one hand while she slowly ran the cloth over her body. It was painful to watch her. They’d showered together hundreds of times, sometimes playfully and sometimes to save time and water and it was an intimate thing to do, something they’d both enjoyed. This was a whole different situation and it made him sad, but at least they were in the shower together, which was a big step after months of her avoiding it. She probably didn’t have the energy to argue with him, but Kane was happy to take his victories where he could.

When they were both dressed Kane tried to tempt Abby to eat, gave her some water and her pills and then they sat down in their chairs, Abby with her legs curled beneath her, Kane with one leg resting across his knee. He watched her as she stared listlessly into the distance. They were halfway through the thirty-day programme, and he’d thought they would be turning a corner by now, but she was slipping further away every day.

It was the lack of food and her unwillingness to talk. He had hopefully solved one problem, but he didn’t know what to do about the other one. If there was anyone in this bunker he thought she could talk to it would be him. They’d seen the best and the worst of each other. She knew his heart, his mind, his body, his fears and his desires, the most private, intimate things about him and he thought he knew the same about her, but he didn’t. Maybe he never had. He’d thought the Abby he’d known on the Ark was too hot-headed to hide anything; she wore her heart on her sleeve and he’d nearly floated her for it. Now she was secretive, holding something back, something that was tearing her apart. So much death, so much responsibility, it had nearly broken him; it shouldn’t be a surprise that Abby had struggled to cope with everything they’d done since Praimfaya, but it was more than that, he knew it in his heart. Why couldn’t she tell him? He’d floated people with hardly a second thought on the Ark, he’d been eager to overthrow Jaha, thinking he could do a better job, he’d written his population reduction plan as though he was drawing up a shopping list not condemning people to death. Abby knew all that, and still she’d forgiven him, fallen in love with him. What did she think she’d done that was so bad he wouldn’t understand, couldn’t forgive, if forgiveness was needed?

The silence in the room weighed heavy, pressing down on his shoulders, forcing him into a tight ball in his chair. Time stretched, the day ahead seeming impossibly long, each second a minute, each minute an hour, each hour the length of a lifetime. Kane wanted to scream, just to make a noise, to shatter the silence. There was life going on somewhere out there, people talking and laughing and loving, but not in here. In here was only absence, of life and hope. In here was death. Kane leant back in his chair, his head resting on the backrest. He placed his hands on top of his head, pressed down on his temples with the heels of his palms to relieve the pressure that was building inside him. He closed his eyes and all he could see was blackness and the ghost of the room’s light. He breathed slowly, in and out, in and out, counting until he reached ten. He allowed himself that moment, the indulgence of despair, and then he opened his eyes and looked at Abby, whom he loved and valued more than his own life. They would get through this, even if it took a thousand lifetimes.

“Is there anything you would like to do today?” he said.

Abby shrugged. “Smell the air, see the mountains.”

“We’d all like to do that. Do you have something more achievable in mind?”

“I don’t know. Tell me a story.”

“A story?”

“Yes. Something about you I don’t know.”

“There’s nothing about me you don’t know.”

“When you were a child, before I knew you.”

“Oh, I don’t know. You wouldn’t have liked that Marcus.”

“Why not?”

“He wasn’t the stylish, sophisticated man you see today.”

Abby snorted.

“Hey!” Kane smiled. He thought for a minute. “okay, I have a story. I was sixteen, I think, and there was a girl.”

“A girl? This should be good.”

“You wouldn’t believe it now, of course, but back then I didn’t have much luck with girls.”

“Really?” Abby’s tone was mocking, and Kane pretended to be hurt.

“Do you want me to tell you this story or not?”

“Yes. Please carry on.” Abby tucked her legs further beneath her then she reached for her glass of water and sipped it.

“I was an awkward teenager, tall and thin, just a nose on legs really.”

Abby’s laugh exploded out of her, along with some of the water she’d been drinking. “A nose on legs,” she repeated, and laughed again.

“It’s true,” said Kane, laughing as well. He was encouraged to see that she was enjoying the story, even if it was at his expense. “I was in my twenties before my body caught up with my nose.”

“I love your nose.”

“I know you do. Okay, so this girl, Ava, I’d liked her a long time, but she rarely spoke to me or acknowledged my existence.”

“What was she like?”

Kane had to dig deep to really see her; more than thirty years had gone by since then and he hadn’t thought about her for most of that time. “She was tall, and she had long almost black hair and blue eyes.”

“Not like me, then.”

“Oh, she was a lot like you. Not physically, but she was spirited, and trouble.”

Abby raised an eyebrow. “You have a type, then?”

“I like a challenge. Anyway, I was determined to get her attention, but nothing worked. I was an annoyance to her, I guess. She was a year older and sophisticated and I was a strait-laced mommy’s boy, too clever for his own good.”

Abby smirked, and Kane folded his arms in mock defence of himself. “No comment from you, please. You know that I used to water the Eden tree, as part of the ceremonies?”

“Yes. I think I have a memory of seeing you do it once, but I’m not sure. My parents didn’t follow the religion.”

“Well, I used to love doing that when I was a child; it made me feel special, a part of history, but when I got older it was such an embarrassment, and Ava was part of the group, that’s how I knew her. Her parents were my mother’s followers. One day, she was sitting next to me, ignoring me as usual, and I was goofing around, mocking the ceremony, stage-whispering my thoughts about religion and the pointlessness of wasting water on the tree. I was obnoxious, really, now that I look back. So, she looked at me, and she said if you hate it so much, get rid of it.”

Abby gasped. “No!”

“Yes! I was shocked, because doing something like that would never have occurred to me. I looked at her, and she looked at me with such challenge in her eyes, the same way you look at me, and I knew I had no choice.”

“She’d called your bluff.”

“She had, and I thought if I didn’t go through with it I’d look like the idiot boy I was, and I’d never have a chance with her.”

“So what did you do?”

“I stole it.”

“I can’t believe it! You? How?”

“Stealing it was the easy part, because it wasn’t kept under lock and key. Nobody expected anyone would dare to do anything to it, I suppose. I snuck out of our quarters in the middle of the night and I took it. Ava wanted me to get rid of it completely, but I couldn’t do that; I knew how much it meant to my mother and her followers, and it was a part of Ark history, our last connection to the ground. I didn’t want to be responsible for destroying that, it would be like destroying hope. I hid it and I told Ava I’d gotten rid of it like she’d said. She believed me.”

“I can’t believe Marcus Kane did something like that, even as a young man. Was it worth it? Did you get a reward from Ava?”

Kane took a sip of his own glass of water. “Sadly, no.”

“No? After you did that you got nothing? Not even a peck on the cheek?”

Kane shook his head. “I told you, I always struck out with girls.”

“Well, someone must have taken pity on you eventually.”

“Someone did.” Kane smiled at her, and Abby blushed.

“I take it you gave the tree back in the end?”

“Not exactly. This is where the story gets really embarrassing.”

Abby sat more upright in her chair, unfurled her legs and let them dangle over the edge. “More embarrassing than that?”

“I’m afraid so. There was an almighty fuss when the loss of the tree was discovered. My mom was distraught, and I felt so bad, but I was still hopeful that I had impressed Ava, so I kept quiet. Mom interrogated me but I kept a poker face, didn’t let any emotion show at all, and she gave up. I don’t think she really believed I would have done something like that anyway.”

“Not her precious Marcus.”

“Exactly. You know what she was like. Then a couple of days later people started to get ill on B sector of Alpha Station, fainting and sickness. An investigation found that one of the main vents was blocked, and the fumes were backing up into the rooms.”

“I remember that! My dad came home early that day because he wasn’t allowed at his work station.”

“Half of Alpha Station had to be evacuated. It turned out that my perfect hiding place for the tree wasn’t so perfect after all.”

“The tree blocked it? That was you?”

“Yes. I caused twenty people to be hospitalised and a shut-down of Alpha’s control station for two days while they got rid of the fumes.”

Abby laughed so hard tears were falling down her cheeks. “And all for a girl!”

“Yes. And I didn’t even get any action.”

“Oh, Marcus.” Abby wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “I bet Vera was mad.”

“That was the worst part, really. I had to confess, because the Chancellor got involved and I didn’t want anyone else to go to the Skybox because of me. She didn’t get angry, didn’t shout or scream or tell me off, she just looked at me with a quiet disappointment. I knew I’d let her down, and that was a horrible feeling. I would have preferred a dressing down, anything other than the silence. I don’t think she spoke to me properly for a month, I mean she talked to me, do your homework, Marcus, eat your dinner, get up, get dressed, things like that. She never really _spoke_ to me, no late-night conversations, no discussions about Ark history like we always had. I thought I’d be glad not to have to sit with her for hours every night, but I missed it. I think that was the only time in my life I broke the rules, until we got down here at any rate.”

“You didn’t go to the Skybox though, did you?”

“No. Perks of being the son of the Ark’s religious leader. It was hushed up.”

“This story explains a lot about you.”

“Does it? I don’t know. It was just one of those stupid things you do when you’re full of raging hormones.”

“The things we do for love.”

“Yes. You didn’t know you were tangled up with such an idiot.”

“Oh, I’ve always known that.” Abby grinned, and Kane laughed. Abby took another sip of water. “I’d have rewarded you,” she said, looking up at him through her eyelashes.

“Would you? In what way?”

“Oh, I think something like that deserves first base at least.”

“First base? Hmmm. You can always reward me retrospectively.”

“You didn’t steal it for me.”

“But I would have, if you’d asked me.”

“Maybe you’ll get lucky. One day.”

“I live in hope.”

“Hmmm.” Abby smiled, adjusted her blanket around her. “Thank you for the story.”

“I probably have more stories like that than I’d care to admit.”

“I bet you do.”

Kane nodded. “What about you?”

“Me?”

“Yes. Tell me a story, something I don’t know.”

“I’m not sure I have anything as funny as that.”

“It doesn’t have to be funny. What’s your happiest memory?”

“Oh. Well, Clarke, of course, when she was born.”

“You were young?”

“Not quite twenty-two. She was so small, so fragile. I know every parent thinks that, but she was. Her head wasn’t much bigger than Jake’s hand and I remember thinking we were going to kill her, that there was no way we could get through a day without injuring her in a hundred different ways. I was nearly qualified as a doctor then, so I knew in my head that she was robust, but my heart didn’t believe it. I watched her constantly; everything she did was fascinating, every breath, every noise, every wriggle.”

Abby sat back, stared into the distance as she remembered. Kane wasn’t sure if this memory was heading in the right direction. It might make her feel sad, when this whole exercise was supposed to lighten the mood, give them some relief from the silence and the misery. She hadn’t talked about Clarke in so long, though, that maybe this was a positive move, even if it ended in tears.

“She’s so like you, Clarke.”

“You think so? I always thought she was like Jake. She worshipped him.”

“That’s what girls do, isn’t it? Worship their fathers.”

“I guess. She was always soft with him, whereas with me it was constant arguments.”

“That’s because you’re the same. Wilful and stubborn.”

“She knew her own mind.”

“She does. Just like her mom.” Kane didn’t like that Abby referred to Clarke in the past tense. It meant she had given up, and he wanted her to have hope, because otherwise it was one less thing to live for.

“A mother shouldn’t outlive her child.” Abby started crying, and Kane went across to her, knelt before her and took her hands in his.

“You haven’t. You will see her again.”

“No. I won’t, Marcus.”

“You will. She’s waiting for you, for us. You know her better than anyone. What is she doing now?”

Abby shook her head, the tears flowing down her face, splashing onto Kane’s hands where they held hers.

“She’s resourceful, we know that.” Kane squeezed Abby’s hand. He’d said these words before over the years, but she needed to hear them again and again, because he was determined that the seed of doubt would not grow and be watered.

“She is.”

“Yes. She’s got a camp somewhere.”

“Yes. She was always good at Earth Skills.”

“No one better.”

“She’s alone, though, so alone, Marcus.”

“Physically, yes, maybe, but she has you in her heart, and me and all her friends.”

“She’s probably given up on us.”

“Clarke? No. Come on. She’s a Griffin. They never give up.”

“I suppose not.”

“No doubt about it. Anyway, it could be worse.”

“How?”

“She could be a Kane.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Well, nothing, really, but do you imagine there’s much call for tree watering skills up there right now?”

Abby smiled, and then the smile turned into a grin and she put her hand on his cheek, stroked his beard. “You are an idiot.”

“And yet you love me.”

“I do.” She leaned across and kissed him, a soft kiss, but her thumbs brushed his face, and her fingers curled in his hair, pressing him to her. “That’s your reward,” she said when she released him.

“It was worth the wait,” said Kane, and he kissed her one more time and then went back to his chair. They fell silent again, but the weight of it had lifted, and hope had entered the room.


	7. Trapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kane gets deeper into trouble, and things come to a head with Abby

It was early afternoon when the knock came at the door. Kane had been dozing in his chair and the sound made him jump. Abby looked startled.

“Who can that be?”

“I don’t know. Indra again perhaps,” Kane replied, but he had a feeling he knew who was at the door, or at least what they had with them. He wasn’t prepared for Abby’s reaction, he realised, hadn’t thought through what he was going to tell her.

“Are you going to answer it?”

“Yes, of course, sorry.” Kane went to the door, a mixture of hope and trepidation settling in his stomach. He opened it and a grounder with Sankru markings was standing there. It wasn’t Osias, for which Kane was thankful. Explaining the broth to Abby was one thing, explaining him in their quarters quite another. Kane stepped out into the hallway, closing the door behind him so that Abby couldn’t see the man or hear their conversation.

“Do you have something for me?”

The grounder thrust a large flask towards Kane, who took it, holding it to his chest as though it were fragile. It represented life, and hope, for Abby.

“There is a message, from Osias.” The man gave Kane a piece of folded-up paper. “I will be back tomorrow, when you should have what he requests, and in return you will get more of that.”

The man nodded at the flask, and then turned and left before Kane could say anymore. Kane unfurled the paper. There was a word written on it Kane didn’t recognise but which was clearly a medical term, tetrahydrocannabinol, and an amount. And so it has begun, he thought. How was he going to source whatever this was by tomorrow?

Kane returned to the room and Abby was sitting up waiting for him.

“What’s that?” she said, indicating the flask.

“It’s a treat,” said Kane, trying to keep his voice casual, matter-of-fact.

“A treat? For who?”

“For you. It’s some broth.” Kane got a cup from the shelf and poured the liquid into it. Steam rose from the cup and it smelled so good his stomach growled. It had been so long since they’d last had anything like this he’d forgotten what it meant to eat something for pleasure, something that tasted good.

“Oh,” said Abby as she watched him. “You have it.”

“It’s not for me.” Kane handed her the cup, but she refused it, shaking her head.

“I’m not hungry.”

“You must be, Abby. You haven’t eaten in days. Doesn’t it smell good?”

“It makes me feel sick.”

Kane had to swallow hard and take a deep breath to keep his frustration under control. He sat opposite her, the cup warm in his hands.

“Why won’t you eat anything? In six days you’ve had one small piece of biscuit and even before that you hardly ate.”

“What’s the point? Nothing stays down.”

“It will, eventually. Does being sick bother you?”

“Why are you pressuring me about this?”

“Because I’m worried about you. You have no energy and you need strength for the weeks ahead.”

She didn’t answer him, but Kane persisted. “You know what will happen to your body if you don’t eat, and it’s not stopping you from being sick, is it? You’re still vomiting but it’s bile and acid and it’s eating away at you inside. You know all this. Why are you doing it to yourself?”

Kane’s voice was rising in pitch with the desperation that was building inside him. He’d really thought she wouldn’t be able to resist something warm and tasty. Abby folded her arms in response, her face set in a stubborn frown. It was like dealing with a petulant child. Kane didn’t know what to do short of forcing her to eat. There was a psychological reason behind her attitude, but she wasn’t going to admit it. Kane poured the broth back into the flask and left it on the table.

“Where did it come from anyway?” said Abby, catching Kane off guard because he’d thought she wasn’t interested.

“It’s an experiment they’re doing in the Mess, and someone owed me a favour so I got a batch for you.” He examined her closely as he said this to see if she was accepting his lie.

“Oh. Don’t let it go to waste, Marcus. You have it.”

“No. I’ll leave it here for you. I need to go out soon, so I’ll see if Eric can come and spend some time with you. Maybe he can persuade you to have some.”

“You’re going out again? Why?”

“We need supplies.”

“Like what?”

“Just small things, more soap, bicarb for our teeth, things like that.”

“Can’t Jackson bring them?”

“No. I’m not burdening him with it.”

“He won’t mind. Don’t go, Marcus.” Abby’s tone was pleading and needy and Kane started to despair. He had to find a supply of this drug and that meant enticing Eric to their quarters so that Medical would be unattended.

“I have to,” he said firmly.

“No, you don’t. Just tell Jackson.”

“It’s fine, Abby. There’s no need to bother Eric.”

“Marcus! I don’t understand why you won’t just message Jackson or Penn.”

Fear and anxiety that this was all going to fall apart made Kane snap. “I want some space, okay! I need a break from you!” The words exploded out of him and Abby recoiled. Kane felt sick with regret. He’d simply wanted her to stop pestering him to stay so he could go and get the things he needed to pay the man she may have fucked, for the broth she wouldn’t even eat. He paused, surprised at the vehemence of his thoughts. Underlying his fear was confusion and anger and disappointment with Abby, for her refusal to eat, for her indifference, for whatever she’d done for her pills that he still didn’t want to think about. She knew it too, he could see it in her face, not his exact thoughts, but that there was truth to his words.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean that.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No, I didn’t. Not really.” He went over to her, put his hand on her arm but she shrugged him off.

“Just go, Marcus. Enjoy your space.”

She turned away from him and Kane decided it was best to leave her alone. Nothing he could do would take back what he’d said. He sat on the bed and messaged Jackson and then lay back to wait for him. As soon as there was a knock at the door Kane was up and out, not giving Jackson the chance to ask any questions.

He walked quickly to Medical and used Abby’s passcode to get in, hoping that there wouldn’t be any in-patients or guards watching them. It was dark and quiet. He passed through the consulting room and into the storeroom at the back. He shone his torch around the room; dozens of shelves and cupboards lined it and each one seemed to be bursting with bottles and packets. Kane started pulling out drawers, searching through the contents, looking at every label. There were dozens of products in each drawer; it was going to take him hours to search them all.

He straightened up and looked around again. He’d inventoried all of this in the past, but he couldn’t remember where anything belonged. He had to think like Abby. She was methodical when it came to her work; everything had a place and was neatly stored away. She must have a system. He’d looked up tetrahydrocannabinol while he was waiting for Eric and it was a psychoactive drug found in the cannabis plant but could also be artificially manufactured. He didn’t know such drugs existed in the bunker, but he assumed they must otherwise Osias wouldn’t have requested it. It was used to treat pain in the nervous system medicinally, but Kane doubted that was what Osias wanted it for. It crossed his mind that by giving this drug to the dealer Kane was effectively encouraging the habit of some other poor addict, someone else who had a husband or wife or lover or child at home, just as despairing as Kane, but he put that thought in the dark place in his head, the place where the rest of his guilt resided, and turned the key.

He thought Abby would keep it with the other painkillers, so he opened cupboard after cupboard, scanning the shelves for a bottle that looked like the one he had hidden in the bathroom. He found it after ten minutes of searching, and sure enough, in the same cupboard was the drug he wanted. He checked the amounts; it would take three bottles to get what Osias wanted. Kane ran his fingers through his hair. As Quartermaster he was in charge of the inventory of all supplies in Medical and the rest of the bunker, so he could hide the missing drugs, but if they were needed…. He just had to hope that they wouldn’t be needed in large quantity, and Abby and Jackson would never find out.

He pocketed the pills, then checked to make sure all the cupboards and drawers were closed and nothing looked disturbed. He retraced his steps to his quarters, looking around at every turn in case anyone was watching. The pills weighed far heavier than their meagre grams in his pocket. He felt the same as when he’d stolen the Eden tree, as though the intervening years hadn’t happened and he was scurrying through the hallways of the Ark with his prize under his arm, terrified of being caught, adrenaline pumping through his veins.

He opened the door to his quarters with some trepidation. He wasn’t sure what reception he would get from Abby or whether he even deserved to get anything other than short shrift. He’d let his worries get the better of him and lashed out at her when it was his decision to go to Osias and everything he’d learned, and the mess he was now in was his fault, not Abby’s.

Abby turned at the sound of the door closing. She gave Kane a tentative smile and he smiled back.

“What have you two been doing?” Kane said. He stood with his hand in his pocket to hide the shape of the pill bottles.

“We’ve just been talking,” replied Abby.

“Okay. You can tell me in a minute if you like, I just need the bathroom.” Kane shut himself in the room and prised the panel from behind the sink and tucked the pills in the gap alongside Abby’s. When he’d replaced the panel he flushed the toilet for authenticity then returned to the room. He turned one of the chairs from the table and sat so he was facing Abby and Jackson.

“How’s everything in Medical, Eric?”

“Busy, and I miss this one a lot,” he stroked Abby’s arm and she smiled at him. “But I’m managing okay.”

“Good.” Kane glanced at the table. The flask was where he had left it, the cup sitting next to it, unused. He hoped Eric hadn’t noticed it, asked Abby any questions. He would know there was no experiment in the Mess, and the last thing Kane wanted was for him to be involved in this in any way.

“Jackson’s going to come around in the evening when he can, to give you a break,” said Abby.

“I don’t need a break, Abby. I didn’t mean that to come out the way it did.”

“It’s okay, Marcus. You do need a break. You deserve it. Anyway, Jackson and I have been discussing something.”

“Oh yes? What’s that?”

“We’re going to try meditation.”

“That’s great!” Kane was pleased. This felt like a breakthrough. He felt a pang of jealousy as well, that Jackson had managed to motivate her into something when Kane had failed at every attempt.

“It will help alleviate Abby’s pain and her cravings,” said Jackson.

“And give me something to focus on,” said Abby.

“Well, I’m all for it.” Kane smiled. “When are you going to start?”

“Oh, tomorrow. I’m too tired right now.”

“Okay.” Kane pushed his jealousy to one side. This was what they all needed; a chance for Abby to start the healing process in her mind, an opportunity for her to spend time with someone other than him, because as much as he perhaps did need a break from her, she needed one from him.

Jackson stayed another hour, and Kane left him and Abby to themselves while he lay on the bed, thinking and dozing. When Eric was ready to leave Kane showed him to the door.

“Thank you for suggesting the meditation. It’s a great idea.”

“It was Abby’s idea. She told me you had a row before you left. She was upset.”

“I was frustrated, and I let it show. It wasn’t really a row.”

“You can’t expect to live like this, and with Abby in this condition, and not get on each other’s nerves. Abby knows that.”

Kane shook his head. “I shouldn’t have said it. She needs encouragement, not pressure.”

“Give yourself a break, Kane. You’re doing a great job, and she loves you and needs you.”

“Thank you, Eric. I’m glad we have you.”

“I’d do anything for her, and you.”

Kane nodded. Jackson’s words brought a lump to his throat. In this hellhole of a bunker it was easy to forget that there were good people, that someone else other than Abby cared for him. It still surprised him it was Jackson, after the rocky relationship they’d had for years.

“I’ll see you in the morning.” Kane closed the door and went to help Abby get ready for bed. The flask was still untouched.

“Are you going to try this broth?” he said, in a last-ditch attempt to get her to eat that day.

Abby shook her head. “Not today.”

“Okay, then you don’t mind if I have some?” Kane figured if she saw him eating it and enjoying it then maybe she would be tempted, if not today, then tomorrow.

“No. I told you, don’t let it go to waste.”

Kane sat at the table and poured out a cup of the broth. It had cooled a little, but it still warmed his veins as he drank it. They hadn’t had broth since the early days of the dark year, and tasting it brought back thoughts of those days, memories that Kane would rather forget. He wondered if Abby was thinking the same, if this was the wrong thing to have brought for her, but there was nothing they could grow or make in here that wouldn’t remind people of that time. They couldn’t eat soy curd and biscuits for the rest of their lives. He finished the broth and washed the flask and the cup in the bathroom.

“Shall we go to bed?” he said once he’d finished. Abby nodded, and so ended another day. As he slipped under the covers, Kane thought they had turned a corner, that perhaps his blow-up had been a good thing after all, a catalyst for change. They were at the halfway point of Abby’s recovery; it could only get better from here.

\---

The next day Kane rose feeling optimistic, but the feeling didn’t last long. Abby had no energy at all, but Kane dragged her up, helped her get washed and dressed and sat her in her chair as usual. Eric dropped by briefly with her pills but even they didn’t perk her up. It wasn’t surprising she was so listless all the time; her body was using as little energy as possible to conserve protein. The effects were all too painfully brought home during the dark year and Abby herself had been adamant they had to eat, that it was too cruel to make people watch others starve. Now she seemed hell bent on making Kane watch her die. He studied her. She was so thin, her beautiful cheekbones knife-sharp and prominent, her skin pale and papery, her lips bloodless and dry. She was becoming a ghost of herself. Kane worried the corner of his lip with his teeth, biting down too hard at one point and drawing blood. It felt good, briefly, a different kind of pain to focus on.

They spent a quiet morning together. Abby didn’t speak but when Kane asked her if she’d like him to read to her she’d nodded and so he’d spent an hour reading a book called Jane Eyre aloud to her. Why of all the books there were available in the bunker she’d chosen this one Kane had no idea. The language was difficult, overblown to Kane’s ear, but he had to admit he found the historical aspect fascinating. It was a glimpse into a time that seemed so far into the past it might as well have been on another planet but there were perhaps no more than six generations between Kane’s birth and that of someone in that era. His great, great grandfather may have spoken like this, could have skipped along dark country lanes lit only by the moon as a boy, lived in an imposing stone house like the one in the story. Kane knew so little of his ancestry; anything was possible.

Early afternoon came, and with it the knock at the door Kane had been expecting. Abby was dozing, getting some much-needed sleep at long last, and Kane hoped the noise wouldn’t disturb her. She stirred but didn’t seem to rouse. Kane answered the door and his heart nearly exploded out of his chest when he saw Osias himself on the threshold. He shut the door quickly behind him.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“Now, now, Chancellor.” Osias spoke Kane’s former title in a mocking tone. “What did I say about using bad language in front of me? I’d have thought someone of your standing would be more polite.”

“I don’t give a damn what you think of me. You have no business coming here. What if someone were to see?”

“Do you have something to hide, Chancellor? Me, I’m just being friendly with my fellow Wonkru.”

“You’re not Wonkru. You’re a nobody, a plague.”

Osias pulled a face. “I’m hurt.”

Kane looked up and down the hallway, terrified someone would come past and see him talking to this dealer. “What do you want?”

“What you’ve hopefully acquired for me. I take it you have the pills?”

“I do.” Kane pulled the bottles from his pocket and thrust them towards Osias. “Take them.”

Osias took the pills and slipped them into his own pocket. “I am most grateful. Tell me, how is the lovely Fisa? I bet she’s climbing the walls wishing for her fix. I hope you’re keeping an eye on her; she’ll do anything to get what she wants. Anything at all.”

“You’re an odious man,” said Kane, trying to keep his temper in check because Osias was goading him into retaliating and he wasn’t going to give the man the satisfaction.

“You ask your wife how odious I am.” Osias stepped backwards as Kane moved towards him. “If you attack me you won’t get what you want.”

He held out a flask to Kane, who stared at it. Was there really a point to this? Abby wasn’t going to eat it, and all Kane was doing was getting deeper into trouble. He could stop this now. But then what? Was he going to give up on Abby, let her kill herself without doing everything he possibly could to prevent it, to help her get better? He continued staring at the flask, indecision tearing him apart.

“If you’re thinking you can get out of this, then you’re mistaken,” said Osias, a grin on his face. You’ve already committed a capital crime, and you know the punishment for that.”

“You’ve committed a crime too.”

“Have I? I’m sure Blodreina will reward a diligent citizen who reports a superior for trying to bribe him with stolen goods.”

“You’ve no proof I gave them to you.”

“They’ve come from Medical, so if it’s not you, then it’s your wife, or that lapdog she has, Jackson is it? Think about it, Chancellor. It’s you or them.”

Kane was backed into a corner, and he knew it. “Give me the flask.”

Osias handed it over and gave Kane a piece of paper. “This is a list of what I need. It’s a long list so you can have a few days to get it together. Your broth will keep coming in that time, have no fear.”

Kane unfolded the paper and looked at it. His blood ran cold. He looked up at Osias. “I can’t get these for you!”

“Oh, dear. Are you sure?”

Kane shook his head. “You can’t expect me to obtain these for you. It’s impossible. What do you want them for?”

“That’s none of your business.” Osias sighed. “Okay, then if you won’t get them, I suppose I’ll have to tell Blodreina that her Doctor is a drug addict and a danger to her patients. Everyone will know what she’s done to get her drugs. They’ll be shocked, don’t you think?” He shook his head. “A nice woman like that. If people only knew.”

Kane put his hands to his head, ran them through his hair. This was like waking from a nightmare only to find it hadn’t ended, and it never would.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“You’d better. You have four days.”

“Please don’t come here again.”

“Get me what I want and I won’t have to.”

Kane opened the door behind him, slipped into the room and shut the door on Osias’ grinning face. What a mess. What a big fucking mess he had made. It was never going to end, that much was clear, even if Abby got clean, even if she never saw Osias again, Kane was in this until the day he died, which would be sooner rather than later because he was bound to get caught the longer this went on. He wanted to get in bed and pull the covers over him and block out everyone and everything. In that moment he understood the lure of Abby’s pills, of forgetting, of oblivion. The trouble was, it was all still there the next day and the one after that and the one after that. He looked up and realised Abby was watching him.

“Who was that?”

“Nobody important.”

“Is that more broth?” she nodded at the flask.

“Yes.” Kane took the flask to the table and left it next to the empty one. He went to the bathroom and sat on the closed toilet seat. He didn’t want to confront Abby’s eating problem there and then, didn’t want to be rejected so soon after his encounter with Osias. He looked at the paper again. How was he going to obtain these weapons, and more importantly, what did Osias want with them? Was it for trade or protection, or was something more sinister going on, a coup in the making? Was Kane about to arm a clan war, or worse, a rebellion against Octavia?

He put the paper in his pocket, had a pee, then went back out to Abby. She had dozed off again, for which Kane was grateful. He sat in his chair and picked up his own book, but he didn’t take any of it in. Too many thoughts were crowding his mind. If Osias had his claws into Abby like he had with Kane then there was no telling what she’d done to satisfy him and get her fix. Kane felt so sick he almost retched. The thought of what she may have done made him sick, and the fact that he was thinking such things of her made him sick. He swallowed the bile that had risen into his throat. He looked at Abby again. A part of him wanted to know, and another part didn’t. Once you knew something like that there was no unknowing it. If it was true, then what did that mean for their relationship? Would he look at her differently? Would he be able to make love to her knowing that she’d been with someone else, maybe on the same day, in the same hour that she’d had sex with Kane? Could he be with someone capable of that? Would he ever be able to trust her again? And if Osias was lying, if it wasn’t true, some damage had already been done, because the thought had been lodged, and Kane had believed, for a short time at least, that it could be true, she was capable of it, and Abby would know that. Would she ever trust him again?

Abby was moaning in her sleep. Kane didn’t know if she was in pain or if she was having a nightmare. He was tempted to wake her but he didn’t have the heart. She’d slept almost as little as she’d eaten these last two weeks, she deserved a rest. It was time he stepped up his efforts to get her to eat. She hadn’t been sick for over twenty-four hours; her tremors had lessened and her temperature was more stable. She was kicking her chemical dependency on the pills, but her emotional dependency was a different animal, and not so easily addressed.

Kane drifted to sleep as well and woke with a jolt from a nightmare where he was being crucified again but this time it wasn’t a Grounder who was driving the nails into his wrists and feet it was Abby, and she was laughing while she did it. The dream disturbed him, and the fear and sadness he had felt during the dream lingered when he woke. Abby wasn’t in her chair when he opened his eyes and for a moment panic rose in his veins like a cold mist. Then he heard the toilet flush and the door opened and she came out.

“Are you okay? Have you been sick?”

“No, I’m fine. Just needed a pee.”

“Okay.” Kane got up and went over to the table, picked up the flask. “Are you going to have some of this today?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Come on, Abby. You haven’t been sick in over a day. I think you’ll keep it down now. Just have a small cup, just a mouthful.” Kane poured some of the broth into the cup, held it towards her.

“No.” Abby said the word with such finality despair flooded Kane’s body. She tried to push past him, but he stopped her.

“You’re going to die, Abby, if you don’t eat. You are dying.”

She sighed. Anger clouded her eyes, turning them blacker than night. “I can’t do this today. I’m too tired. Get out of my way.”

“You’re tired because you have no energy because you don’t eat! I’m not moving until you have some of this.” Kane held the broth out to her again. He knew this was pointless; it was a battle of wills and she was going to win because she was set and determined and Kane’s only way to break her was to tie her down and force feed her and he would never do that, and she knew it. Still he had to keep trying. “Please, Abby.”

“Why won’t you leave me alone!” She flung her arm towards Kane to push him out of the way and knocked the flask and the cup out of his hands. It bounced on the floor, spilling the precious broth all over the tile. Kane watched the liquid seep out and soak into the cracks. All hope left him in that moment. There was no saving Abby because she didn’t want to be saved.

He looked up at her. She was standing with her arms crossed and she was glaring at him but there was hurt and sadness in her eyes.

“Why don’t you want to live?” he said.

“I do.”

“No, you don’t. You’re killing yourself now by not eating and you were killing yourself before with the pills. I don’t understand why.”

“I took the pills because of what happened to my brain after Alie and I developed a chemical dependency. There’s no great mystery to it.”

“It’s more than that. Yes, you got addicted to the pills and I understand how that happened, but it’s been four years and nothing has changed. And it doesn’t explain why you won’t eat.”

“Are you saying this is my fault?” Abby unfolded her arms and put them on her hips. Her anger had caused a red blush to spread across her cheeks.

“No! None of this is your fault. I just want to know why you are killing yourself, because you are. Do you want to die? Do you?”

“Marcus, I… I, I don’t know. I’m not sure I feel anything. I don’t know what I want, but I don’t want to lose you.”

All the fight went out of Kane at her words and he put his head in his hands. “I’m losing myself.”

“What do you mean?”

“The things I’ve done, the trouble I’m in, and it’s all for nothing. You don’t even care if you die.”

“What do you mean the things you’ve done. Why are you in trouble?” Abby took his hands from his head, held them in hers. “Tell me.”

“The broth. It didn’t come from the Mess.”

“Where did it come from?”

“From the black market.”

“Oh, Marcus. Don’t get involved in things like that for me. I told you not to put yourself at risk!”

“It’s too late. He has me.”

“Who has you?”

“Osias.”

Abby dropped his hands, took a step back. “Osias? What do you know about him?”

“I know he’s your dealer. I know you do things for him.”

Abby let out a small cry. She put her hand to her mouth, worried her bottom lip. “Marcus, he can’t be trusted. What has he said?”

“What are you worried he’s said?” Kane looked her in the eye. Now that his secret was out he felt relief, and he realised he did want to know. He wanted to confront her with this, to get everything out in the open, for better or worse.

Abby shook her head. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Don’t lie, Abby. Don’t pretend you haven’t been doing what you’ve been doing.”

“And what exactly have I been doing?” Her words were defiant and angry but her body language was defensive, arms crossed again, body held tight like a coiled spring. She wasn’t looking Kane in the eye.

“You’ve been doing favours for Osias in return for your pills.”

“Is that what he said?”

“It’s what he intimated.”

“He intimated. Okay. And what kind of favours did he _intimate_ I’ve been doing?”

Kane didn’t answer, couldn’t bring himself to say the words. Abby shook her head and laughed bitterly.

“Sexual favours, that’s what you think? You think I’ve fucked him to get my pills?”

“That’s what he implied.” Kane watched her closely for her reaction to his words. She put her hands to her head, looked at him in disbelief.

“And you believed him! Marcus, how could you think that?”

“I don’t know, Abby! I didn’t know you were taking more pills than you should, I didn’t know you were sneaking off like a common junkie to a man like that to get your fix. What else don’t I know?

“I’m not a junkie!”

“Well what do you call it when you’re so desperate for pills you’re willing to do anything for them, including lying to your partner? Our whole relationship these last few months has been a lie.”

“It has NOT! What do you call it when you’re willing to believe a man like Osias over me? I can’t believe you think I would do that. I can’t believe you think so little of our love, of what we have, that I would betray you.”

“You already have betrayed me. You betrayed my trust the minute you started lying and sneaking around.”

“And God forbid I should do something that would disappoint you. Do you know what it’s like having to live with you? Sitting up here on this pedestal you’ve made for me. It’s exhausting, Marcus. You’re always looking at me with your big eyes all caring and sad and it makes me feel so bad, so guilty, and sometimes I just want to hit you. I know how terrible that sounds but I do. You give me that look, that forgiving smile, and I want to jump on you and pummel you to the ground until that look is wiped off your face.”

Kane was stunned, didn’t know what to say. He’d had no idea she felt this way about him. He had to get out of this room before he said something he would truly regret. He couldn’t be around her anymore, couldn’t look at her or hear her or feel her presence next to him.

“Then I guess I’ll go so you won’t have to look at me anymore.”

“Don’t leave. Don’t you dare leave me like this, Marcus!” Abby’s voice was angry but tearful and Kane couldn’t bear the combination. He wasn’t going to stay around and let her manipulate him into feeling sorry for her. He slammed the door behind him and marched along the hallway fast enough that people had to get out of his way.

He walked the length and breadth of the bunker and somehow he ended up in the room with the escape hatch. He stared at it, remembering the moment they thought they’d heard Clarke, when they’d realised they were trapped in here forever, and they’d never see Clarke again, or stand on the earth, smell the sky, feel the rain on their skin. He stood beneath the hatch and he pulled and pulled and tried to twist it and turn it until his arms were aching, and then he pummelled it until his knuckles bled and he collapsed on the floor and cried. There was no getting out of here, there was no getting out of this mess, there was no getting away from Abby. They were either over or he had to fix the mess he’d created.

He went over in his mind what Abby had said. He’d been so hurt at the time, after everything he’d done, the risks he’d taken, the love he’d given her, to find out that he was annoying to her, that he wasn’t a help but a hindrance. That had cut him to the bone, but maybe she was right. He’d been so proud when she cut back on the tablets; he’d let her know it all the time, praising her, encouraging her. He’d thought he was giving her a boost but he was smothering her, making it impossible for her to live up to his belief in her, not allowing for her to fail, so when she did of course she couldn’t tell him.

There was always the possibility this was a deflection. She hadn’t answered his question, hadn’t told him what she’d done for the drugs because no matter what she said, she must have done something. Osias would have seen opportunities in her like he had in Kane. He wouldn’t let her get away with only paying for the drugs themselves, he must have wanted more. What that was, Kane didn’t know. One thing was certain, Abby was right, he shouldn’t have left her like that. She deserved the opportunity to be heard and listened to and he had denied her that. He’d thrown the worst kind of accusation at her and then left her to deal with it when she was in no fit state to do that alone. Fear suddenly gripped him. He’d left her alone, distraught and with no one to turn to, no one to comfort her.

Kane raced back to their quarters, pushed open the door and looked around. There was no sign of Abby. He opened the bathroom door but she wasn’t in there either. The panel behind the sink lay on the floor. Kane knelt and looked inside. The pills were gone. Fuck! He’d talked about nothing but her wanting to kill herself and now she’d taken the pills and disappeared. If she did it, if he’d pushed her into it, he would never forgive himself. He had to find her before she did anything stupid.


	8. Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kane searches desperately for Abby

In his desperate search for Abby, Kane headed first for Medical. He figured maybe she wanted to see Jackson, to get his support or be talked out of whatever she was thinking of doing. That was the best-case scenario. In the worst case she had gone there to get more drugs to make sure she did as thorough a job as possible. He ran all the way and burst through the door causing Jackson to jump and yell with shock.

“Kane! What on earth?”

“Is Abby here?”

“Abby? No.” Jackson turned white as he looked at Kane. “Why? What’s happened? Is she okay?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know.” Kane looked at Jackson in despair.

“What’s happened?”

“We had a huge row. I stormed out. I never should have left her.” Kane ran his hand through his hair over and over. “Where could she be?”

“Hang on a minute. You left her alone, and now you don’t know where she is?”

“Yes! She took the pills, Eric. All of them.”

“She’s taken pills, what like an overdose? Where is she?”

“No, I don’t know if she’s taken an overdose. She took them from my hiding place and she’s disappeared. I think she’s going to kill herself.”

“What? No. No, Kane. Why would she do that?”

“I accused her of some bad things. I was upset, she was upset. I shouldn’t have done it. Are you sure she’s not here, you’re not hiding her?” Kane opened every door in the medical unit, checking all the rooms. Jackson followed behind him.

“She’s not here; I’m not hiding her.” He put his hand on Kane’s arm, turned him so the two men were facing each other. “You’re scaring me.”

“We have to find her, Eric. Where would she go?”

“I don’t know; there’s no one else she trusts.”

“Somewhere quiet, then, where she won’t be disturbed.”

“In the bunker? That could be a lot of places.”

“Then we’d better start looking. You take the right wing and I’ll take the left and the basement. Message me if you find her.”

“Okay. I’m sure this is all a mistake, Kane. She wouldn’t kill herself.”

“She’s been killing herself for four years! Wake up! She doesn’t want to live.”

Kane didn’t wait for a reply from Jackson. He headed to the basement first, running along the hallway, looking in the maintenance rooms, storage areas, behind the giant turbines and oxygen scrubbers. This was the heart of the bunker where it throbbed and pounded as its lifeblood was pumped through huge pipes to the living areas above. The noise thrummed through Kane’s veins, setting him even more on edge. There were so many rooms, so many areas Abby could be hiding, even if he found her he was worried he would be too late. He had to keep going, though, because what else could he do?

It took him a couple of hours to search the basement and without success. There was no sign of Abby or that she had ever been here. He returned to the living quarters and began to search all the public places and all the hidden places he could think of. He asked everyone he met if they’d seen Doctor Griffin, but no one had. Kane was despairing. Where the hell could she be? He didn’t bother with the administration centre or the main office because there was no way she would go there. Even if she was upset and not thinking straight she would want to avoid the risk of bumping into Octavia at all costs.

He checked his tablet for a message from Jackson even though he’d set it up to ping whenever the doctor made contact. There was nothing, so he hadn’t found Abby either, unless he had, and she’d told him not to tell Kane. No. Jackson knew Kane was out of his mind with worry; he would tell him even if Abby didn’t want him to, surely?

Having run out of options on his side of the bunker there was only one thing Kane could do and that was go back to his quarters and see if she had turned up there. He’d left her a note so she’d know he’d come back and was looking for her. He opened the door with hope in his heart, but the room was still empty. The flask lay where it had fallen on the floor, his note was still on the table untouched. The bathroom door was open as he’d left it and he could see she wasn’t in there. He messaged Jackson to say he hadn’t found her and then he sat at the table and put his head in his hands.

The door opening made him look up, his heart thumping in his chest, his pulse racing, his blood warming. Was it Abby? It was, but she wasn’t alone. She was being helped into the room by Indra. Kane’s heart stopped. He looked at Abby. She was laughing, and she could hardly walk. Indra was the only thing holding her up. Relief flooded his veins because she was alive, but it was mixed with fear. She was clearly high, and he didn’t know exactly what she’d taken or how much or how he was going to explain this to Indra.

“Kane,” Indra said as she dragged a giggling Abby further into the room. “This one belongs to you, I think.”

Kane finally found the ability to move and jumped up and took over from Indra. Abby looked up at him and smiled. “Marcus,” she said. “You’re here.”

“Yes, I’m here. Why don’t we get you into bed?” He picked her up and carried her to the bed. She wrapped her arms around his neck and clung on.

“Are you going to get in with me?” She kissed his cheek, trying to capture his lips but Kane turned away.

“Not right now. Indra’s here.” He laid her on the bed and pulled the cover over her.

“You’ll come back?”

“Yes. I’ll come back.” He kissed her forehead, letting his lips linger while he braced himself for dealing with Indra.

When he stood up Indra had closed the door and was standing with her arms folded, watching him.

“Thank you for bringing Abby home, Indra. Mochof. Sorry for her condition; she hasn’t been well as you know. I think the stomach tablets….”

“I know it’s not her stomach medication, Kane. I’ve seen this among my own people. She’s high.”

“No, no she’s not, she’s not high. It’s a reaction, to the medication.”

Indra put her hand in her pocket and took out Abby’s bottle of pills. She held them up for Kane to see. His heart sank.

“These are not pills for stomach flu. They’re painkillers. I’m not stupid, Kane. Don’t treat me as such.”

“No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Indra.”

“I found her in the main office. I couldn’t get much sense out of her, but I think she was trying to open the airlock.”

Kane pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes to prevent tears forming, took a couple of deep breaths. She’d been trying to escape, like he had. “Okay. Did anyone else see her, did Octavia?”

“You are fortunate Blodreina is visiting the hydrafarm. She requested plans from the office, which is why I was there. I must get back.”

“You won’t… you won’t tell Blodreina, will you, about Abby?”

Indra took a step towards Kane. “I think that depends on what you have to say. I will be back tomorrow, and you will talk.”

Kane nodded, and Indra put Abby’s pills on the table and let herself out. He stood staring at the space she had left. They were safe, for the time being. He wasn’t sure what she wanted to hear, whether the truth would be enough to save them, or whether he should make up some plausible lie.

“Marcus!”

He turned to look at Abby. She was sitting up in bed with the blankets thrown off, completely naked, and laughing. He sighed. He’d never seen her like this before; her pills usually kept her on an even keel. Sometimes she was hyperactive and excitable, but never as uninhibited as she now appeared to be. He sent a quick message to Jackson letting him know she was safe, and then he crossed over to her.

“Put your clothes on.” He picked up her vest and tried to put it over her head, but she grabbed him and pulled him down on top of her. Whatever she’d taken had given her energy and strength, and clearly made her horny.

“You need to take your clothes off!” She fiddled with Kane’s pants, trying to get the zipper down but she couldn’t manage it. “Dammit!”

“Now’s not the time, Abby.” He pulled her hands away but she was persistent. She grabbed his crotch through his pants, squeezed him, stroked him with the flat of her palm.

“C’mon, Marcus. Oh, there you are!”

She was making him stir despite himself. He didn’t want to reject her, to push her away, but he wasn’t going to have sex with her in this condition. He took her hand and brought it to his lips, kissed it.

“I’m so tired, Abby. You know what I’d love? I’d love it if you would lie here next to me, and just hold me, okay? I’d really like that.”

She frowned and pulled a face. “Will you take your clothes off?”

“If you want me to.”

“I do. I want to feel you.”

“Okay.”

Kane took off his pants and shirt and got back into bed next to Abby. She curled into him, her fingers playing over his chest, sneaking inexorably down his stomach towards his groin.

“Did you take a lot of pills, love?” Kane tried to keep his voice casual, not accusatory.

“No. Just enough.”

“Enough for what?”

“To feel good.” She laughed.

“What? What is it?” said Kane.

“I thought you’d left me.” She laughed again, her fingers stroking the root of his cock, hand curling around it.

“No. No, never. Never again.” He kissed her forehead. He thought about taking her hand away from him but her stroking of him seemed absent-minded, like it was comforting to her. It was torture for Kane, but he let her do it.

“Good. I don’t want you to.”

“I won’t.”

“Okay.” Abby’s hand stilled, her grip on his cock loosening. Kane looked down at her. Her eyes were closed, and her breathing had deepened. Kane lay back, stared at the ceiling. It was so good to have her in his arms, to feel the warmth of her skin against his, her breath tickling his chest, her hair everywhere, strands of it across his lips, prickling his nose, caught in his eyelashes. He’d thought he would never get to do this again. There was a lot to face when she woke, and he had no idea how she would feel when she came down. Would they be back at square one, having to start the detox all over again? Would she want to?

Kane didn’t get much sleep; he was too worried about Abby. He checked on her throughout the night, making sure she slept on her side, wasn’t sick. Now it was midday and Kane had been up a few hours, tidied the room, taken delivery of another flask of useless broth, got rid of the empty ones and read the final pages of his book. He’d have to get a new one, see if there were more with this Philip Marlowe character.

A groan came from the direction of the bed, and Kane looked up. Abby was propping herself up on her elbows, looking at him through slitted eyes.

“Morning,” said Kane.

“Urgh.”

“Would you like some water?”

Abby nodded, and Kane got her a glass and sat on the edge of the bed next to her while she drank it.

“Feel better?” he said when she’d drained the glass.

“No.”

“You will.” He brushed stray strands of her hair from her face, smiled at her. “Do you remember anything about yesterday?”

Abby closed her eyes, let her head fall back. “Some.”

“I’m glad you’re okay,” said Kane.

“If you can call it that.” Abby lay back down, pulled the cover up to her chin.

“Can I get you anything?”

“No.”

“Then I’ll let you rest.” Kane started to get up, but she pulled her hand from under the blanket and stopped him.

“Lie with me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Don’t be an idiot.”

Kane smiled. He went to his side of the bed, got under the covers and Abby rolled towards him, put her hand on his chest like she had the previous night. He put his arm around her, pulled her in tight.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his lips brushing her hair.

“No, I am. I’m the one who should be sorry.”

“We’re both idiots,” said Kane.

Abby gave a small laugh. “Yes.”

Kane kissed the top of her head. “Get some rest. We can talk later.”

Abby lifted her leg so it was resting on his, and Kane had his hand on her back to hold her to him. She was so small next to him, so thin and sharp, her bones poking into his flesh. He could count her ribs if he wanted, put his fingers in the hollows between them. Would she talk to him at last when she finally came around? Would she choose life? Would she choose him? He didn’t think he would sleep but his eyelids started to droop, and he gave in to the welcoming blackness.

When Kane woke, he turned onto his back and stretched out his arm, expecting to find Abby but there was only empty space. He sat bolt upright, eyes scanning the room, fear gripping his heart. His eyes alighted on her chair, and the top of her head which was just visible above the backrest. He let out a slow breath to calm his racing heart. He flung back the covers and got up, went over to their small living area. Abby looked up at him as he approached.

“You’re up!”

“Yes. Have you been awake long?”

“I don’t know, an hour maybe.”

“Are you feeling better?”

“Well not as good as I was feeling last night.” She laughed. “The comedown is always brutal.”

Kane was surprised at her words; they spoke of familiarity with how she was feeling, but he had never seen her as high as he had last night. He decided to risk a question.

“Have you done that before, what you did yesterday?”

She pulled on her bottom lip, didn’t look him in the eye when she responded. “I’ve taken drugs just to get high, yes. I’m sorry.”

Kane’s surprise turned to astonishment, and confusion. “I didn’t know. How could I not… When? When did you do this?”

“Times you were working all night. I’d come home early and I’d sit in the bathroom in case you came in and I’d take anything I could get my hands on like an extra couple of painkillers, or jobi nuts. I’ve scraped the ibuprofen off nurofen to get a pure hit of codeine. I’ve had uppers and downers and just anything I could sneak from Medical or get from Osias really.”

“How could I not know this?” Kane shook his head in disbelief.

“Because I was clever. I took just enough to feel good and then I would make sure I was in bed when you got home and I pretended to be asleep, but I was buzzing really badly. By the time you woke up in the afternoon I was sober.”

Kane looked at her and he didn’t know what to think, what to feel. Who was she? He thought he’d known her, thought he understood her addiction even if he didn’t fully know the reasons why she needed the pills, but this was another level of behaviour. Taking the pills because she couldn’t help it was one thing, deliberately getting high, and all the preparations and sneaking around that she did to keep it from him was another thing entirely.

Abby was studying his reaction, and he tried to put a smile on for her but he could tell she didn’t believe it.

“Did you really not know?” she said. “I thought you must have. Sometimes you would look at me the next day with, I don’t know, confusion or disappointment or sadness and I’d try to think back. Had I done something, said something, that gave me away?”

Kane thought back over the last few months, tried to remember the times he’d worked late. If he was truly honest with himself he didn’t have to think too deeply. The truth was easy enough to find once he opened himself to it. There had been signs, and he’d ignored them.

“I think, maybe on some level I did know, not that you were getting high, but that you were taking the pills again. I didn’t want to know, I didn’t want to think of you relapsing and not telling me, so it was easy to convince myself I was mistaken, that your shaking, or the heat that sometimes came from you when you were lying in bed next to me, was a fever or a nightmare, and when you were excitable it was happiness or stress or a thousand things that I knew deep down weren’t the truth.”

Abby’s laugh was bitter. “We’re both well practised at fooling ourselves.”

“So it would seem.”

They fell into a heavy silence. Kane wanted to ask a thousand questions of her, and she seemed open, ready to talk, but he was worried that one wrong word would make her clam up, and he might never get to know the truth, whatever it might be.

“Will you talk to me? Do you feel ready for that?”

“I’m not sure I’m ready but I do want to talk to you. I do want that, yes, very much.”

Kane was pleased that at long last she was willing to talk but now that the time had come he was nervous, unsure what she was going to say. She’d already said some painful truths yesterday, and there was the matter of what she’d done for the pills. Was she going to tell the truth, and did he want to hear it? He’d thought he was ready but he wasn’t. He had to go through with it, had to let her unburden herself otherwise she would never heal, and that was the most important thing after all. He just needed a few more minutes.

“I need some water. Would you like some?”

Abby nodded, and Kane went into the bathroom and filled their glasses. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and was shocked to see a face as pale as Abby’s, with dark circles beneath bloodshot eyes. He was a ghost of himself, like Abby; they were both in danger of fading away. He went back to the main room, handed her the water and then sat opposite her. They both took sips, looking at each other over the tops of their glasses.

Abby laughed nervously. “I feel like we’re on a first date or something, I don’t know why.”

Kane smiled. “It’s awkward knowing where to start, what to say.”

“Yes.”

“Did we even have a first date?”

“Does visiting you in chains the night before you were supposed to die count?”

Kane laughed. “That was a date?”

“I made myself look good for you.”

“I noticed.”

“You were supposed to. There was that first night in Polis.”

“Hmmm, yes. I lit all those candles for you. No dinner though.”

“Well, depends what you count as food I guess.”

Kane’s laugh was deep and long. “I prefer the first course.”

“I know you do,” replied Abby in a low voice.

They smiled at each other and Kane didn’t know if the intensity of the love he felt for her in that moment was going to see him through or tear him apart by the end of their conversation.

“I’m sorry for what I said yesterday,” said Abby. “You don’t make me feel that way.”

Kane pulled his chair closer to hers. “No. You were right to say it. I do put you on a pedestal. I love you so much. I know it must be overwhelming. I see that.”

“Marcus, I love how you love me, how you look at me. It’s not that. I think I blamed you for making me feel guilty and worthless but it’s not your standards I’m failing to live up to, it’s mine. I’m disappointed in myself, I hate myself, and I take it out on you.”

“You’re not worthless. You’re my world, and you are invaluable to everyone in here.”

“Oh yes, the great Doctor Griffin, who’s so brilliant she’s a slave to a bottle of pills. They’ve taken me over. They rule me. I’m weak when I used to be strong and I hate that. I hate what I’ve become.” Abby brushed away the tears that were falling down her cheeks with an angry sweep of her hand.

“You are strong, Abby; you’re beating them. You had a brief fall last night because you were hurt but you’ll get back up again. I know you will.”

“You don’t know that; neither of us knows that. I might get clean, I might fail again. I’m a drug addict, Marcus. You need to accept that. You need to see me for who I really am.”

“I do. I do see you for who you are.”

“No, you don’t. You see what you want to see. You don’t see this mess.”

“I don’t see the mess? I’ve just spent a week holed up in this room with you!” He reached across to caress her face. “I do see you, you know.”

She put her hand over his. “You shouldn’t have to do what you do for me.”

“It’s called loving someone. Taking care of them is what you do.”

“It’s too much.”

“No. Remember that time I really did have stomach flu and I never made it to the bathroom and you cleaned it all up without a word.”

“That’s different.”

“Why? Why is it different? You have a disease, Abby. Look, I thought about this yesterday after our argument. I don’t want you to feel you can’t tell me. I don’t want you to sneak behind my back for a fix. If, and it’s a big if, you relapse then I want you to tell me. I will help you no matter what. There’s no need to do… whatever you were doing to get your pills.”

“I didn’t do what you thought I did. I didn’t have sex with Osias.” She looked down at her hands, played with her fingers, stroking them, running her thumb over her nails.

“I’m sorry I suggested that you did.”

“Why would you think I would do that?”

“I didn’t, not really.”

She looked up at him then. “You did. I could see it in your face then and I can see it now. Don’t lie to me.” She frowned at Kane and he felt his cheeks warm. She always could see right through him.

“You were hiding so much from me, including him, and I had to find out who he was. I didn’t like what I saw and when he insinuated what he did I just couldn’t get it out of my mind. What else has she been doing behind my back? I’ve seen your desperation, Abby. I thought the drugs might make you do something the real you would never do.”

“I just… I would never!”

“You’ve been getting high in our bathroom and I didn’t have a clue! I’m ashamed that I let the thought even cross my mind, but my life is as upside down as yours. I don’t know what to think half the time.”

“I’m sorry. You’re right. I haven’t given you a reason to trust me. Why would you?” She sighed. “It was medicines he wanted, mainly. He had a big stock for years from when he first raided the bunker supplies, but it is dwindling, and I came along at the perfect time.”

“How did you even meet him? In Medical?”

“No, a patient, a drug addict ironically enough, told me about him. I tried to stick to our agreement, Marcus, I really did, but the pills stopped working. I had to take more to get the same effect and you were keeping such a close eye on them. I had no choice but to go elsewhere.”

Kane stroked his beard while he contemplated her words. “How did you get the medicines? I can’t figure it out. I inventoried Medical recently and everything was as it should be.”

Abby took a deep, shaky breath. “I wrote false prescriptions and I made placebos for some pills, put them in bottles I marked so I’d know which they were. I’m sorry, Marcus.”

Abby was examining Kane’s face closely for his reaction and he fought hard to keep his face still, to turn his mouth up into a slight smile, to nod in reassurance that he understood but inside he was reeling. Every conversation they had revealed more secrets, more depth to her cunning, more layers to her lies.

“It’s okay,” he said.

They fell silent for a moment. Kane picked up his glass and took a few sips. There was something else she hadn’t talked about yet, the thing he wanted her to talk about most. He had to broach it with her.

“What about the food, the not eating?”

Abby frowned again. “What about it?”

“Do you want to tell me about it, about why you don’t want to live?”

“I didn’t say I don’t want to live.”

“Last night you did. You said you don’t feel anything. I’m not blind, Abby. I can tell just by looking at you; you don’t care if you live or die.”

“It’s not that I want to die, or I don’t want to live. I feel ambivalent about it, if I feel anything at all.”

“That’s a symptom of your survivor guilt; we’ve talked about it before.”

“I know we have but the feelings are still there. I can’t shake them. I still don’t think I deserve to be alive. If I were dead none of this would be happening to me.”

Her words made Kane want to cry, because if it weren’t for him, if he hadn’t saved her, she wouldn’t be in this pain now, she would be free, but he couldn’t allow himself to think like that, because there had never been a choice about letting her go. He was too selfish, and he had to deal with the consequences. He had to help her move forward.

“I felt like you do once, you know that. I still do deep down, but you can achieve more for people alive than if you were dead. That’s what I realised in the end. I had to face up to what I’d done and atone for it another way.”

“It’s not that simple for me.”

“It wasn’t simple for me!” Kane stroked the scar on his arm where he’d cut himself all those years ago in Polis. Abby saw him do it and she reached across, took his hand away and traced the thin line with her finger.

“I know it wasn’t. That was a stupid thing to say. Forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive. You’re depressed, Abby, and I’m worried that unless you talk about what lies behind this you won’t get better.”

She shrugged, a gesture that Kane had come to loathe because she always made it when she didn’t want to confront what he was saying to her. “It’s the survivor guilt, like you say.”

“No, it’s more than that. I mean, it was that at first, I’m sure, but now.” Kane shook his head. “There’s something else bothering you.”

Abby shifted in her chair, started to stroke her hair. “There’s nothing else.”

“There is. Is it what happened in the Dark Year?”

Abby stopped stroking her hair and looked at him, her eyes sharp and bright. “What about the Dark Year?”

“It was a difficult time; hard choices were made.”

“We all made them,” she said, her voice cold and defensive.

“I know, but you had to make the hardest choices of all of us.”

“What do you mean?” Her voice became shrill with alarm and Kane knew he’d hit on something.

“I mean you were the one that had to tell the truth, give us the stark reality, and no one wanted to hear it, me least of all.”

“I don’t want to talk about that time, Marcus, you know I don’t.”

“I know, love, neither do I, but if that’s what’s bothering you, if something you did then is making you not want to live now, then I want you to tell me.”

“No.” Abby set her face in that stubborn expression that made Kane bite his lip to keep calm.

“I know there’s something. Why can’t you tell me?”

“Marcus, please.”

Tears were rolling down Abby’s cheeks now and Kane felt guilty, but he also felt like he was getting close, that there would be a breakthrough. What could be so bad that she couldn’t tell him? They’d all done terrible things in that year, having to eat the flesh of the dead, the bodies piling up in the fighting pit. Kane hadn’t wanted to admit it but Abby had made the right decision, even if it was one he didn’t want to go along with. If Octavia hadn’t forced him to eat, he wouldn’t be alive now, and as hard as life was down here he wouldn’t give up this time with Abby for anything. A cold shiver ran through his veins as he had that thought. If he hadn’t been forced to eat, he wouldn’t be here with Abby, she wouldn’t have him, she’d be alone. Oh, what had she done? He looked at her. She was looking down at the floor, holding her body tight, her hands in her lap, twisting a thread on her jeans round and round and round.

“Is it because of me?” he said quietly, trying to keep his voice calm and even.

She sobbed, her shoulders heaving, her body shaking as she tried to contain her cries. She didn’t speak for a long time, and Kane waited for her to get up the courage to tell him the truth.

“No,” she whispered, and Kane knew it was a lie because she couldn’t look at him and she was crying hard, trying to keep the depth of her sadness from him, trying to hold it in and failing. She felt responsible for something that happened to him in the bunker, making him eat probably, but she wasn’t ready to admit it. Kane didn’t want to push her any further, afraid she was so close to the edge that one wrong step would make her disappear forever. He wanted to know the truth so badly, but it wasn’t fair to Abby. If she didn’t want him to know, he would have to be patient, try to get her to a point where she felt she could tell him, whenever that might be.

He knelt on the floor in front of her and pulled her into his arms. “Okay,” he murmured into her ear, “Shush, now, it’s okay.” She put her arms around him and cried until his shirt was drenched with her tears and then she pulled away and looked up at him.

“I will eat the broth. I’ll do it.”

Kane smiled, wiped her tears with his thumb. “My beautiful girl,” he said, and then he kissed her, and left her to compose herself while he went into the bathroom.

He stood in front of the mirror, his hands resting on the sink, and he stared at himself. He was alive because of her, and she was alive because of him, and neither of them had wanted to be saved, and yet neither of them could imagine living without the other. He wasn’t sure if this was what love was like for everyone or if they had twisted it somehow, if this constant battle for survival made them desperate, made them cling to each other. He only knew that without her he would drown, and now he realised it was the same for Abby.


	9. Little by Little

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Indra demands answers from Kane and Abby gives cause for hope.

Abby was exhausted after their talk and she got back in bed leaving Kane to sit in his chair and think over their conversation. They’d made some progress, although there was still a lot she wasn’t telling him, and not just about her role in the Dark Year. It remained to be seen whether she would actually eat or whether she was saying it to make him happy or to end the conversation. He didn’t think so, and he felt hope that they would turn the corner in this at least. His hopes had been dashed before, of course, so he wouldn’t let himself truly believe it until he saw the food enter her mouth, and not come straight back out again.

He heard a light tap at the door and his heart started to race. Was Indra here already, wanting her explanation for Abby’s behaviour last night? Kane wasn’t prepared, hadn’t decided whether the truth or a lie was best. Indra would see through a big lie, and probably all the small lies as well, but he thought perhaps if he could soften the extent of Abby’s addiction, make it seem an occasional thing like getting drunk at a party, she might be more amenable to believing it.

The tap came again, louder this time, and Kane got up to answer it before the noise woke Abby. He took a deep breath and opened the door. It was Jackson standing there with a pale face and bloodshot eyes.

“Eric.”

“May I come in?”

“Of course.” Kane held the door open and Jackson went past him into the room, glancing over to the bed as he did.

“She’s okay, then?”

“Yes, she’s fine. Sorry for scaring you yesterday.”

“What happened?”

Kane didn’t want to go into detail with Jackson, didn’t want to tell him about the broth and Osias because that would just entangle him in this mess.

“Our frustrations with each other came to a head; it had been brewing for a while.”

“Did she take a lot of drugs? Do you need me to examine her?”

“No, she got high. She’s been doing it a lot apparently.”

“Oh. I didn’t know that.”

“No, she’s hidden it well.”

“Can I see her?”

“Yes, but she’s asleep.”

“I’m not asleep.” Abby’s voice caused them to look across to the bed. She was lying on her side, propped up on her elbow.

“She’s not asleep!” repeated Kane with a smile. He went over to her, followed by Jackson. “Were you listening to us?”

“I heard enough. I’m fine, Jackson. There’s no need to worry.”

“Of course I’m going to worry. I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t.” Abby reached out for Jackson’s hand and he took it and sat on the bed next to her.

“What do you want to do about your detox?” asked Jackson, getting straight to the subject Kane had been considering how to broach since his chat with Abby.

“I just want to get back to it, carry on as before.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. It was just a blip, a one-off. It won’t happen again, I promise.” She looked at Jackson and then her eyes moved to Kane and she smiled.

“Okay, good.” Jackson squeezed her hand. “And the meditation?”

“Tomorrow. When I have more strength.”

There was another knock at the door and Kane went to open it. It was Indra. She didn’t look happy, although she rarely did.

“Kane. Are you ready to talk?”

Kane looked back at Abby and Jackson talking quietly on the bed. “Yes, but now’s not a good time.”

“This is the only time I have when Blodreina does not need me. You can talk to me when she is there if you prefer.”

“Er, no. No. Can we go somewhere else? I don’t want Jackson involved in this.”

Indra sighed. “Come to my quarters in ten minutes.”

“I will.” Kane shut the door and returned to Abby and Jackson.

“I need to go out for a while. Are you okay to stay with Abby, Eric?”

“Yes, I can stay.”

“Where are you going?” asked Abby in a fearful voice.

“Indra needs to talk to me about some administrative issues, so I’m just going to go and see her. I won’t be long.” He gave Abby a penetrating look, raised his eyebrows so she would understand why he was really going.

“Oh. Oh, okay. Be careful.”

“I will.” He pressed a kiss to her head. “Get Eric to read some of that awful Jane Eyre to you.”

“It’s not awful,” said Abby with a smile.

“I love Jane Eyre!” said Jackson.

“You would.” Kane rolled his eyes and then smiled at them. “I’ll be back soon.”

It was a five-minute walk to Indra’s quarters and Kane moved quickly keeping his head down. His heart was racing in anticipation of how the meeting would go, and because Indra’s room was next to Octavia’s. It was a risk coming here, but one he had to take. Not only didn’t he want Jackson to be involved in this he also couldn’t trust that Abby wouldn’t admit more than she should. He knocked softly on Indra’s door.

“Enter.”

Kane pushed open the door and entered Indra’s quarters, struck as he always was at how it reminded him of his own quarters back on the Ark. Stark and practical, with nothing frivolous on display, it gave no clues as to the woman who occupied it, but Kane understood her, recognised a kindred spirit when he saw one, had from the start. Indra was sitting at her table, sharpening her knife. She’d removed her tunic and without the armour she seemed softer, less threatening, though not by much.

“Thank you for agreeing to see me here,” Kane said.

“Sit down.” Indra nodded towards a chair opposite her and Kane pulled it out and sat in it. He leant forward, elbows on the table, closing the gap between him and Indra, making himself appear friendlier, like they were two people having a chat, not one person potentially fighting for his life and that of his lover. He waited for Indra to speak.

“How is Abby?” Indra asked.

“She’s fine.”

There was silence while Indra regarded him. “How long has this been going on?”

Kane pursed his lips, shook his head and smiled. “There’s nothing really going on. Abby took more painkillers than she intended, and you saw the result.”

“I told you not to treat me like I’m stupid.”

“I’m not.”

Indra slid the sharpened knife into its scabbard, put it to the side, her hand resting on the ancient leather. “I understand you wanting to protect her, but you are not helping her.”                               

Kane remained silent. She hadn’t asked him a question so there was no need to reply. He knew from when he interrogated people on the Ark that a suspect couldn’t resist filling a silence, and that was often when they gave away the most useful information. Clearly Indra knew the technique as well because the silence lengthened and grew heavy. The compulsion to fill it was strong. Sweat formed on Kane’s brow but he resisted the urge to wipe it away. He folded his hands instead and looked Indra in the eye.

“I’ve been making enquiries,” she said at last. “Since yesterday.”

“Oh?” Kane kept his face neutral, but his heartrate picked up and his hands grew sweaty as well where they were clasped.

“You’ve been seen in Sankru territory.” Her eyes bored into his as she spoke, watching for his reaction. “The same night you told me you had stomach flu.”

Kane was surprised at her words and he must have given some sign because Indra sat back in her chair and gave a slight nod. Still Kane didn’t speak; he didn’t think anyone had seen him that night, except Osias of course, but there was no way Indra was bluffing, her knowledge was too specific.

“What were you doing there?” Indra sat forward, her hand closing over the knife.

“I went for a walk, needed to get out of the room, give Abby some privacy. She was very ill, more so than me.”

Indra leaned forward and raised herself out of her seat. Her head was close to Kane’s, her dark eyes boring into him. “Don’t lie to me,” she hissed. “You were getting drugs, for Abby.”

“No. No, I wasn’t. I wasn’t getting drugs for anyone.” Kane was able to speak the words with confidence because they were true.

Indra glared at him, shook her head, and sat back down. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me the truth.”

“If there were anything I needed help with, and I’m not saying there is, how can you help me? You’re Octavia’s second-in-command, her confidante.”

“I’m more than that. I thought I was a friend, Kane. Was I wrong?”

“No, you’re not wrong.” Kane sat back in his chair as well. His limbs felt warm and heavy. He was tired, so tired, of all of this, of sneaking around, of lying to people he cared for, but what other option was there? Was Indra to be trusted, or was this her way of getting the truth out of him, and then telling the whole sorry tale to Octavia? But why would she? What could she gain from this? The bunker would lose its greatest asset, its doctor. Kane was nothing, he knew that. People who could count supplies were two a penny, and other than that what was he? A failed rebel, failed diplomat, failed leader. He was barely functioning as a partner, driving Abby to get high as her only means of escape from their life.

“Tell me,” said Indra in a quiet voice, and the need to unburden himself to someone who wasn’t involved overwhelmed Kane, and he found himself telling her the story, or parts of it, come what may.

“I didn’t go to Sankru for drugs, it was for food, for Abby. She’s not eating.”

“Because of the drugs?”

“I’m not prepared to discuss Abby’s motivations.”

Indra nodded. “Very well.”

“Abby started taking the painkillers to help her brain after what Alie did to her, and she became addicted, which is very common. We’re managing it.”

“Are you? You’re sneaking around the bunker, bartering I presume for food, she’s running around high and trying to escape, neither of you can work. Tell me how you are managing this, Kane?”

“She’s detoxing. She wants to get clean and I’m helping her. There are setbacks, but we’re moving forward.”

“If Blodreina had seen her, she’d be in the fighting pits, and so would you. You know that.”

“I’m grateful to you, we both are.”

“I don’t care about your gratitude. You need to be more careful.”

Kane put his head in his hands. “I know.”

“Where is the food coming from?”

Kane closed his eyes. This was where he should draw the line, keep his mouth shut, protect his secrets, but the words poured out of his mouth because he had to speak them. No one knew the depth of the trouble he was in, not even Abby, and he needed someone to know, needed for one other person in this godforsaken place to know what he was doing even if they couldn’t do anything about it.

“From the black market.”

Indra frowned. “What black market?”

“There’s a market in everything, drugs, food, clothes, weapons.” He added the last word without looking at Indra.

“I thought you inventoried everything? How did we not know about this?”

“Most of it is from the early days, before we were Wonkru.” Kane didn’t tell Indra about Abby’s role in trading medicines for her pills.

“What have you traded for the food?”

Kane looked down at his hands, laced his fingers together. “Some pills.”

“And?”

He looked up at Indra. “And what?”

“What else?”

“Nothing.”

“Kane.” Indra gave him a penetrating look.

“I haven’t got anything yet.”

“What do they want?”

“Weapons.”

“Weapons? Such as?”

“There’s a list.” Kane fumbled in his pocket, handed the list to Indra, who read it, her brow furrowing.

“What do they want these for?”

“I don’t know.”

“They could be preparing a coup against Blodreina.”

“I don’t think so, he….” Kane didn’t get to finish his sentence. Indra stood up and started pacing the room.

“We can’t allow them to get these weapons, Kane.”

“No, I know, but….”

“But what?”

“Abby’s food. I. I need it. She’s dying, Indra.” Kane’s voice broke as he spoke the words.

“We’ll deal with Abby separately. Who are you trading with?”

Kane shook his head. He was regretting telling Indra now even though he knew it was the right thing, knew that he couldn’t possibly obtain these weapons, shouldn’t do it, no matter what the reason, but he’d do anything to save Abby, and now that was in jeopardy.

“You don’t owe him anything,” Indra continued. “I will help you with Abby. What’s his name?”

Kane sighed. “Osias.”

“Leave it with me.”

“What are you going to do?”

Indra didn’t answer his question directly. “Get Abby well and get her back to work before Blodreina is suspicious. I will deal with this Osias.”

Kane pushed back his chair and stood. “You don’t have to do this.”

“If there is a coup building against Blodreina I have to do what is necessary.”

“We don’t know it’s a coup.”

“It’s a coup,” said Indra, and she looked at Kane, her eyes large and knowing.

Kane nodded. “Mochof.” He looked at Indra a moment longer and then he turned and left the room.

As he walked back to his quarters he thought about their conversation. It was a relief to know that Indra was an ally, someone who could be relied upon now and in the future should Abby relapse. He was disquieted by their conversation about Osias, though, or rather what they had not said. Kane didn’t think Osias was arming a coup; the weapons were for local protection, members of Wonkru defending themselves against each other, and he thought Indra knew that too. Whatever she was going to do, she was doing it for Kane, and Abby, and by keeping silent, Kane was complicit. There was only one form of justice in the bunker for an enemy of Wonkru. Was he really going to stand back and let this happen? Silence equals approval, and makes this dirty world dirtier, staining Kane’s very soul. He walked on, quickening his pace. Abby was all that mattered. Abby and her survival, Abby and hope, Abby and her need for him, and his overwhelming need for her.

When he got back to his quarters Abby was out of bed again and sitting at the table playing chess with Jackson. She looked up and smiled as Kane entered.

“He’s not as good as you.”

“Hey, I’m trying,” said Jackson.

Kane flashed a tired smile. “Thank you for keeping Abby company,” he said in a tone that was designed to tell Jackson it was time to leave. To his credit the man understood the signal and got up to go.

“I’ll see you in the morning.” He kissed Abby on the cheek and then shook Kane’s hand before leaving.

Kane slid into the seat he’d vacated. He smiled at Abby. “How are you?”

“Tired.”

Kane nodded. “Me too.” He let his head fall back, closed his eyes. He could fall asleep right now sitting in this chair.

“Do you have some of the broth?” Abby’s voice made him sit back up with a start.

“You want some broth?”

She nodded, a tentative smile tugging at the edge of her mouth.

“Okay. I’ll get some.” Kane leapt up, a renewed vigour in his limbs at the thought of her wanting to eat, at last. He got the flask and two cups and went back over to the table, pouring the hot liquid out and handing one of the cups to Abby. She took it, warmed her hands around it.

“Just take a sip,” said Kane. “Not too much at first.”

He tried not to watch her as she brought the cup to her lips, not wanting to put pressure on her, but he couldn’t help glancing up over his own cup. He had longed for this moment, and he wanted to see it, to make sure it was really happening. She was steeling herself to drink it, he could tell from the tightness of her shoulders, the shake in her hands as she took a sip. She swallowed it and looked at Kane.

“It’s good,” she said, and a tear slid down Kane’s cheek. He took a drink from his own cup to hide it, but it was too late. Abby had seen it and she started crying as well.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve put you through this,” she said.

“I just want you to be well.”

“I will be. I will get better.” She took another drink of the broth, more boldly this time. After a few mouthfuls she set the cup down. “That’s probably as much as I should take on the first try.”

Kane nodded. “You can try some more tomorrow.”

Abby smiled and she got up and cleared the cups away. Kane watched her as she washed them in the bathroom sink. He didn’t know how much longer the broth would keep coming, long enough for her to feel the benefit of it hopefully, but that wouldn’t be long. He had three days to get the weapons or for Indra to do whatever she was going to do, then the deliveries would come to an end. He stroked his beard, pulling on the hairs that were growing thick and wiry. They had to make a new start, whatever that entailed.

Abby closed the bathroom door and a few minutes later when she came out she was dressed in her vest and underwear. “Shall we go to bed?”

Kane nodded, stripping off his own shirt and pants as he followed her to the bed. They got under the covers and Abby curled into him like she usually did. She lifted her head to look at him and Kane kissed her lips. She tasted sweet like the broth and it felt good after weeks of her sour breath that even the bicarbonate of soda he helped her rub on her teeth every morning couldn’t hide. He let his lips linger, wondering if she would respond. She drew away, looked at him again.

“I hope I won’t be sick,” she said.

“You won’t. You only had a little, and the pills have been working, haven’t they?”

She nodded and laid her head on his chest. Kane stroked her hair. The next few days would be crucial for them both. He had to see Indra again, find out what she was planning, and help Abby eat more and start her meditation. Then maybe, finally, they would turn the corner, and a new day would dawn.


	10. Date Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kane returns to work and Abby has a surprise for him.
> 
> Previously in Searching for a Darker Place to Hide: Kane and Abby talked. Kane went to see Indra and confessed all about Osias. Abby started to eat again.

For two more days Kane and Abby stayed hidden away in their quarters. Abby was eating the broth twice a day and some colour had returned to her face. She was getting stronger and Kane was pleased with her progress. He wanted her to rest as much as possible because she had to go back to work soon; there was no putting it off any longer. Octavia had commented on the length of their absence and Indra had told Kane in no uncertain terms he was to get her back to Medical before the end of the week. He still didn’t know what Indra had planned for Osias because all she would say was she had it in hand. Jackson came over in the evenings to meditate with Abby giving Kane time to catch up on some of the work he’d missed.

On the third day since their conversation Kane returned to work full time. He was nervous about leaving Abby alone for the first time in nearly three weeks. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust her; he truly felt she’d turned the corner and she wanted to get better, and she needed her autonomy, her independence. No, it was simple really; he would miss her, miss being needed, and what that said about him and his own state of mind he wasn’t ready to think about.

After what felt like a long day at the Hydrafarm with Octavia, Kane couldn’t wait to get home, so he left as soon as she went to another meeting and rushed back to his quarters. When he opened the door he stopped dead on the threshold. The normally grey and uninspiring room was bathed in the light of what seemed like a hundred candles. Beethoven played on the stereo. The table was set with two bowls and two cups surrounded by more candles. Abby came out of the bathroom as he stood with his hand on the door, staring at the scene. She was freshly showered, her hair loose and wavy, her eyes bright when she smiled at him.

“Oh, you’re home early!” she said.

“What is all this?”

Abby came over to him, kissed him on the lips and then took his hand and led him into the room. “It’s date night.”

Kane laughed. “What?”

“I’ve recreated our first date, sort of, if we can call that night in Polis a date.”

“I thought our first date was when I was in chains and you visited me.”

Abby laughed. “Well, I could do that if you like. We still have the handcuffs from that time in the hydrafarm after all.”

She raised an eyebrow at him and Kane smiled. He took her into his arms, pressed a kiss to her cheek. “We do. Maybe next time,” he murmured.

“Definitely.” Abby snaked her arms around his neck, fingers weaving through his hair, stroking his scalp making it tingle. She captured his lips with hers, sucking on them, teasing them apart, her tongue entering his mouth, searching for his. Kane groaned as their tongues met and desire surged through him. He could never have enough of this; even after four years and countless kisses she still had the ability to melt him with her touch.  

“This is a nice way to come home,” he said when they broke apart.

“I thought we could have dinner and play a game or something. I’m even willing to play chess if that’s what you want.”

“You kiss me like that and then you expect me to eat dinner and play a game? What else do we get to do?” Kane pulled her hard to him, let her feel his desire.

“All in good time,” said Abby, as she rubbed herself against him, teasing him.

“Hmmm. Not sure I can wait. What about we have the first course, and then later we can have dinner and play a game?” He swept her up into his arms and carried her to the bed.

“Marcus!”

“This is exactly what happened in Polis if you remember.” He laid her on the bed and straddled her, his deft fingers undoing the buttons on her jeans.

“This is not how I remember it.”

“No?” He unzipped her and then started to ease her pants and underwear down in one. Abby wriggled her hips to help him. “How do you remember it?” he said.

“I’m fairly sure I was the one taking the lead.”

“Really? Who lit all the candles?” Kane discarded her pants on the floor by the bed and sat back on his heels so he could look at her. She was propped up on her elbows, regarding him with a sly smile.

“You did.”

“And who arranged for the bathtub to be filled?”

“That was me!”

“Oh, yes, maybe that was you.” Kane leant over her and placed a kiss in the hollow of her stomach, ran his fingers over it, ignoring how spare the flesh was that covered her hipbones.

“It was! If I hadn’t taken you by the hand and led you up those stairs you’d still be gazing longingly at me and going to bed alone.”

“I’m pretty sure I’d have made a move sooner or later.”

“As the world was ending probably, knowing you.”

“The world is always ending,” Kane said, his voice muffled as he kissed her mound. She’d grown wild and untamed over the last few weeks, her hairs tickling his lips and nose as he buried himself in her.

“It’s a bit wild down there. Sorry,” she said, as though she could sense his thoughts.

“Don’t worry. It matches my beard.”

Abby erupted into laughter, her whole body shaking beneath him. She batted him on the head. “You bastard! Not for the grey hairs, hopefully.”

“Hmmm,” said Kane as he ran his fingers over her damp curls and peered at them. “Can’t see any, but the candlelight is flattering.”

Abby was still laughing, and then her laugh turned to a moan when he spread her lips and licked the length of her.

“You remember me doing this,” he whispered as he explored her with his tongue, his mind going back to that first time, to finally discovering how she tasted, how she smelled after years of wondering.

“Oh, yeah,” said Abby, her voice low and smoky, her words sliding into a groan.

“Felt like coming home,” he said, and then he licked her in earnest, circling her clit the way she liked, edging her towards her release, listening for the moment her breaths merged into one long high-pitched moan and then increasing the pressure and tempo of his tonguing. She came with a cry, her hips thrusting towards him, her thighs shaking where he gripped them.

He crawled up the bed so that he was lying next to her. She turned so she was looking at him and took his head in her hands, kissed his lips, sucking her juices off him.

“You were always good at that,” she said.

“A man has to try,” said Kane with a grin.

Abby laughed, then rolled onto her back and sighed. “That first night in Polis.” She paused, and Kane waited for her to continue but she stayed silent.

“What about it?” he said in a quiet voice.

“It was one of the best nights of my life.” Her voice was teary, and Kane took hold of her hand and squeezed it. There were a lot of memories associated with that night for them both. Moving forward, letting go of the past. For Kane it had been a night of wonder and discovery. He’d always assumed that for Abby it was the same but also bittersweet.

“I love you,” said Kane, and he pulled her towards him so that she could rest her head on his chest. He kissed her hair. “I always will.”

Abby put her arm around him, holding him tightly. “I’m so glad I dragged you up those stairs,” she said with a soft laugh.

“So am I.” Kane kissed her hair again. “What about that dinner you promised? I’m starving.”

Abby got dressed and padded over to the table and Kane followed her, taking his usual seat. Abby poured the broth into the bowls and Kane looked at it. There were lumps of bean curd floating in it. He looked up at Abby. She looked at him with a grimace.

“I thought I’d chop the soya up into it for variety,” she said. “Not sure it’s worked how I wanted.”

Kane dipped his spoon in and ate a mouthful. “It tastes a lot better than it looks.” He smiled, and Abby ate some of the broth as well.

“Oh, yes, it does.”

“Do you remember when they experimented with that fungi on the Ark, that horrible brown concoction they gave us, and they said it was super nutritious, and half the population came down with food poisoning?”

“How could I forget? I was on duty AND I had the food poisoning. It felt like it was the entire population. That was not a good time.”

“I thought I would have to move permanently into the bathroom.”

“Should we be talking about this while we’re eating? It’s not the romantic dinner I had in mind.”

“Yes, sorry. So, what _did_ you have in mind?”

“I don’t know, like a first date kind of dinner. Getting to know you.”

“You don’t know me by now?”

“Yes, of course, but what if we didn’t know each other? What if we’d just met and I’d asked you out? What would you want to know?” Abby took some more broth, looking at Kane over her spoon as she ate, a mischievous look in her eyes.

Kane was perplexed. They did know each other so he was having difficulty thinking how to proceed with his part of this conversation. He couldn’t think of a single thing he didn’t know about Abby.

Abby sighed. “You’re hopeless.”

Kane frowned. “We know everything about each other.”

“No, we don’t. For instance, I didn’t know you stole the Eden tree when you were a kid. You didn’t know I played chess.”

“Oh, right, okay.” Kane still couldn’t think of anything to ask, other than pointless questions like what’s your favourite colour, and he already knew the answer to that because it was blue.

“Okay,” said Abby, putting down her spoon. “Let me start. Did you enjoy that book you’ve been reading? The detective one?”

“The Big Sleep? It was very engaging.”

She rolled her eyes at his response. “What did you like about it?”

“I liked the characters, I guess. Marlowe, the detective, he’s a straightforward guy, very witty, and Vivian is, well, she reminds me of you actually.”

Abby raised her eyebrow. “Of me? In what way?”

“She’s clever, has a quick mouth.” He smirked at Abby, who shrugged in a ‘who, me?’ gesture. “I find that very sexy.”

“You do? I suppose you’d have to.” She laughed.

“I always did, even when you used it against me all the time.”

“Those were the days,” Abby said, and they smiled at each other. Kane felt happier than he had in a long time. He couldn’t remember when they’d last spent time with each other like this, talking about silly things, teasing each other. The bunker and its myriad problems always seemed to crowd in on them, and all they ever thought about or talked about was the bad things about life in here. No wonder Abby had needed an escape. From now on they needed to do more of this, find their escape in each other. He held out his hand to her and she grasped it and held on to it.

“What about your book, that Jane Eyre? The language is impenetrable!”

“And Trig isn’t? You kind of get into it. It’s a great story, good mystery, strong female character, dark, handsome brooding man.”

“Dark, handsome man, eh?”

“Oh, you think that’s you?”

Kane gestured to his hair, his face. “The evidence is right here.”

Abby laughed. “Hmmm, and do you have a madwoman living in your attic?”

“Does Octavia constantly pecking at my head count?”

Abby laughed so hard the table rocked. “I missed this,” she said when she’d calmed down. “I missed you.”

“I’m still here. WE’RE still here. We always will be.” Kane squeezed her hand and Abby squeezed back.”

“I know. Shall we go and play a game?”

“Depends on the game,” replied Kane with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

“Not that kind of game, not yet. Well, maybe a bit.”

“I’m intrigued.”

“Okay, take a seat while I get the stuff.”

Kane sat in his armchair and watched with a warm feeling in his heart as Abby took items out of a cupboard and rummaged through a drawer. She set up a board and pinned large scraps of paper to it. Then she came over to Kane and handed him a pen and some cards.

“What is this?”

“It’s called Pictionary. Jackson brought it round for us. He thought we’d find it fun.”

“I have never heard of it. What do you do?”

“It’s from the bunker library. You roll the dice and you have to draw what’s on your card on this piece of paper and I have to guess what it is before the timer runs out.”

Kane didn’t like the sound of this game at all. “I can’t draw!”

“It doesn’t matter. That’s kind of the fun.”

“Is there a competition? I don’t see where the game element is.”

“Normally you have two teams competing but there’s only us. What about we make it interesting?”

“How?”

“If you don’t get the answer within the time you have to take an item of clothing off.”

“Oh. Well, now we’re talking. Hang on, though. Isn’t that an incentive for the person drawing to deliberately make it obscure?”

“I guess we’ll just have to trust each other.”

“I guess we will.”

Abby clapped her hands with pleasure and smiled broadly. “Okay. I’m going to go first. You have to guess what I’m drawing.” She rolled the dice and consulted her card and then thought for a second. Then she turned the timer over. She drew a box with two circles beneath it that Kane figured were wheels.

“Is it the Rover?”

“No.” She added other squares within the box and a stick figure at the front and then two more stick figures that seemed to hover outside the large square.

Kane had no idea what it could be. “Are you sure it’s not the Rover?”

“Of course I’m sure. It doesn’t say Rover on my card.” Abby seemed unsure what to draw next and Kane watched as the sand ran out in the timer.

“I’ve no idea what that is,” he said.

“It’s a school bus.”

“A what?”

“A school bus. I guess it was a vehicle that took kids to school.”

“Is that what those figures are supposed to be? Children?”

“Yes, and this is the driver.”

Kane shook his head and laughed. “How am I supposed to guess it’s a school bus when I don’t know what a school bus is?”

“I don’t know. All of them are kind of like that. It’s an Earth game, isn’t it?”

“Well, what if we make up our own?”

“Our own drawings?”

“Yes, then at least we stand a chance of knowing what they are.”

“Okay.” Abby turned over the paper so a clean side was showing. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten.”

“Forgotten what?”

“You didn’t guess in time, so you need to take an item of clothing off.”

“That’s not fair. I had no chance of guessing that.”

Abby shrugged. “I don’t make the rules. Take something off.”

Kane bent down and unfastened the laces on his boot. He started to pull the lace out of the eyeholes but Abby stopped him. “Oh, no. We’re not having that. Boots and laces are one item.”

“Okay, but then you can’t count earrings or hairpins like you did when we played strip poker.”

“I’m not wearing earrings.” She pulled on her ears to emphasise her point and made a face at Kane.

“Fair enough.”

“Your turn to draw.” Abby sat back in her chair, arms folded, an expectant look on her face.

Kane thought hard but nothing would come to him, not a single thing he’d ever seen in his entire life came into his mind except for obvious things like the Polis tower which she’d guess in two seconds. He racked his brain and finally an idea popped into it. He started drawing lines and squares and it was harder than he’d thought. The image was clear in his head, but something happened between his brain and his hand as it held the pen, a disconnect, a crossing of wires that meant what flowed out of the pen was nothing like what flowed out of his mind.

“Are you drawing the rover?” said Abby.

“No. It’s obviously not the rover, where are the wheels?” Kane added another storey to the structure and looked at Abby to see if that had made it clearer.

Her brow was screwed up into a frown, then she raised her eyebrows. “Oh! It’s the tower in Polis?”

“No.” Kane added some more lines but even to him it was incomprehensible, and he knew what it was supposed to be.

“It’s some secret room you had on the Ark where you interrogated the worst prisoners and conducted secret experiments.”

Kane looked at her in indignation. “No! There was never any such place.”

“Dammit,” said Abby with a smile. “I was sure there was.”

The timer ran out and Kane stood back from the picture. “Any idea that isn’t ridiculous?”

“No. I’ve no idea what the hell that’s supposed to be.”

“It’s the dropship.”

Abby peered at the drawing. “How is that the dropship?”

“That’s the entrance, and the ramp is down.”

“What’s that next to it?” she said pointing at a tall thin structure.

“That’s a tree.”

“Wow, you really can’t draw.”

“Doesn’t matter,” said Kane. “It’s your turn to take something off.”

“I don’t see why I should pay for your incompetence. You should take something off as well.”

“That’s not what we agreed.”

“New rule now I’ve seen I will never be able to interpret your scribbles.”

Kane sighed. “Very well.” He took off his other boot and watched as Abby pulled her shirt over her head. She was wearing a black vest beneath that gave him a tantalising glimpse of the swell of her breasts. Maybe this game wasn’t so bad after all.

They played a few more rounds, each as terrible as the first until Kane was left in his underpants and Abby was only slightly more dressed in vest and panties. It was Abby’s turn to draw, which meant Kane was facing defeat and total nakedness. He anticipated she would try for something so obscure he would never be able to guess it, and while she was thinking about it he did too, trying to second guess her choice. She drew a structure that was tall and thin at the front and tapered back to a narrow point. Kane had never seen a building like that, but he had a feeling he knew what it was. It was something on the island Abby had gone to, the entrance to Becca’s lab perhaps. He could guess it, and then Abby would have to take off her top or bottom and he’d be treated to a nice show, at least until it was his turn again. He decided not to guess correctly, to give her the win. She needed it, and besides, the sooner one of them was naked, the sooner they could get onto the dessert, and Kane was hungry for something other than broth.

He sighed and frowned and stroked his beard. “Is it somewhere in TonDC?”

Abby shook her head. “Nope.”

“Is it really, really tiny but you’ve made it look big? Like it’s just a cupboard on the Ark or in Mount Weather?”

Abby laughed. “Very, very wrong.” She picked up the timer and shook it at Kane. “Time’s up. Pants down.”

“Tell me where it is first.”

“It’s the lab I worked at, on Becca’s island.”

“Aah,” said Kane. “That is cheating, Abby! I’ve never seen that.”

“You could have guessed. Now take them off.”

Kane remained where he was. “You take them off me.”

“With pleasure.” She walked over to Kane and knelt before him. She ran her hands over his legs, her thumbs stroking his inner thighs where his flesh was sensitive. Kane’s heart beat faster and blood rushed to his cock making it swell. Abby’s thumbs reached his underpants, skirted over his balls to the shape his cock was making as it pushed at the thin material. She caressed him and Kane moaned. Her fingers hooked into the waistband of his pants and pulled it down, letting his cock spring free.

“Aah,” they both said.

Abby wrapped her hand around his cock and stroked it. “You should have drawn this,” she said. “Then I’d have known what it was.”

Kane laughed and stroked her hair. “Should I have drawn it life size?”

“I don’t think the paper’s big enough.”

Kane laughed again. “Liar,” he said, and he bent forward so he could kiss her lips. They kissed for a while, Abby slowly stroking his cock, Kane with his fingers tangled in her hair. “You know, the second day in Polis we did it in a chair like this,” he said when they came up for air.

“We did. That chair was never the same again.”

“It wasn’t made for two.”

“Not the way we went at it,” said Abby with a smile.

“That’s true. Shall we try again?”

“We could. This chair is more robust.” Abby stood up and divested herself of her pants and vest and then she climbed onto his lap and straddled him. Kane held his cock and Abby raised herself until she was above it and then she sank down onto it and they both let out a deep sigh. Kane held onto her ass as she rose up and down. She had her hands on his shoulders to steady herself and her breasts were in his face. He had no choice really but to capture a nipple in his mouth, suck on it. Abby groaned, leaned further into him. Their breaths quickened. Kane thrust up into her but after a couple of minutes he could sense Abby slowing, getting tired. She didn’t have the energy to keep up the pace.

“Shall we move to the bed?” he murmured.

“Yes.”

He stood up with her in his arms and she wrapped her legs around him. He walked across the room, still buried within her, and lay her down on the bed. He fucked her slowly, tenderly, kissing every part of her he could reach while he moved inside her. When his orgasm began to build he reached between them to thumb her clit, and she flung her head onto the pillow, arched her back as she came. Kane followed a minute later, his release more than just a physical one. He rolled them so they were side by side and they lay wrapped in each other’s arms.

“That was so hot,” he said, kissing her nose. He tasted salt and he drew back so he could look at her. A tear was sliding down her face. “Hey now. What’s the matter?”

“Nothing. I’m happy.”

“Are you?”

“Yes.”

“It’s okay if you’re not.” He brushed the tear away.

“No, I am. I am. I love you.” Abby put her hands either side of his face and kissed him. “I love you so much.”

Kane smiled. He rolled onto his back and Abby nestled in his arm. “Get some rest,” he said. “I love you.” Abby burrowed in further and Kane held her tight. This had been a great day, one of the best days they’d had in months if not longer. He hoped it wasn’t a one-off, that it was the turning point, the start of the next chapter of their lives together. Unfortunately, there was still the matter of Osias to deal with, and when tomorrow dawned, time on that will have run out. He was supposed to have the weapons, be exchanging them for more broth and for Osias’ silence, but he had nothing, and he didn’t know what Indra was planning and what it would mean for his and Abby’s future. He also had to tell Abby, at some point, because there could be no more secrets between them. He’d see Indra tomorrow, find out her plans, and then he’d tell Abby, come what may.


	11. Strength, Unity and Honour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kane faces up to his problems regarding Osias, and makes some tough decisions.

Kane awoke on the day he was to meet Osias with a sick feeling in his stomach. Abby ate her broth but Kane wasn’t hungry, and he wanted to save as much as he could of the last flask because there wouldn’t be any more after today, and he didn’t know what that would mean for Abby’s health. She was stronger today than yesterday, her eyes brighter, her lips less cracked, her skin warmer. They were small changes, but they meant so much for they were signs she was getting back to herself, that she had chosen life, had chosen him. Would it set her back if the broth ran out just as she was getting used to eating it? How was she going to react when she found out what Kane was supposed to have done to keep getting it for her?

“Are you okay?” Abby said as they sat across the table from each other.

“Yes, of course.” Kane smiled reassuringly and stroked her hand where it rested on the table.

“You’re so quiet today.”

“Sorry. I will miss you. I’m still getting used to not seeing you all the time.”

“I know, it’s hard, but Jackson is coming around to meditate with me and then I’m going to go with him to work for a while.”

This was the first Kane had heard of her plan, and he was surprised, and worried. “When did you decide this? Are you sure it’s a good idea, Abby?”

“I messaged him this morning while you were dead to the world, and he agreed it would be good for me to get back into daily life, now that I’m doing so well.”

Kane didn’t think she was ready, but having her occupied and out of their quarters, safe with Jackson, was probably a good thing given that he had no idea how today was going to go. He should tell her now, really, just in case anything happened to him. She deserved to know, deserved the right to say goodbye to him, if that’s what this was going to be, but he couldn’t do it. She was looking so well, so happy, that he couldn’t bear to mention that man’s name, to bring back memories of her pills and what she’d done for them. No. He would just have to make sure somehow that he came back alive, came home to her.

He stood up and pushed back his chair. “I have to go now. I have an early meeting with Indra.” He went across to Abby and bent to kiss her hair, taking in the scent of it, still soft and fresh from yesterday’s shower. Abby looked up at him and he stroked her face with his thumb, kissed her lips. “I love you,” he said.

Her smile was warm and loving and nearly broke his heart. “I love you too.” Kane nodded, then he turned and left before she could say anything else and he lost the courage to do what had to be done.

When he knocked on Indra’s door a few minutes later she opened it immediately, as though she’d been waiting for him. “Come in,” she said, her hand on his back, propelling him into the room.

Kane stood and waited for Indra to speak, pulling on the hairs of his beard in an effort to calm himself.

“I’ve completed my investigation into Osias,” Indra said.

“Good. What did you find?”

“It is as you said. He is at the heart of all the rotten things that are happening in the bunker. He must be stopped.” Indra put her hand on the scabbard of her sword as she said this, and Kane was alarmed. Did she mean to kill the man?

“How are we going to stop him?”

“I have already put it in motion.”

Kane’s heart thumped against his chest. “What have you done?”

“Osias will be in the fighting pit tonight.”

“What?” No, this wasn’t right, this wasn’t right at all.

“My guard caught him in the act of trading stolen goods with another man, and he was arrested yesterday.”

“Indra, no. You can’t do this.”

“It is done. He will die tonight; I have put my best man in as his opponent. You don’t have to worry about him anymore.”

“I didn’t mean for him to die. It is a problem that Abby and I have made. It’s not right to punish him like this for our mistakes.” Kane paced up and down the room. His hands were sweaty, and his pulse was racing. He couldn’t let the man die because of him, no matter what he’d done.

Indra glowered at him. “What did you think I would do, Kane? Invite him in to talk? This is beyond you and Abby. He cannot be allowed to run this black-market operation in the bunker and he certainly cannot be allowed to organise a coup against Blodreina.”

“We both know he is not organising a coup.” Kane ran his hands through his hair in despair.

“We do not know that.” She waved her hand in dismissal. “The crime he has been caught committing is more than enough to warrant his place in the pit. There is nothing more to be said.”

“I can’t allow this to happen, Indra. I’m sorry.”

Indra marched up to Kane, grabbed his t-shirt and pulled him towards her so that his face was only an inch from hers. Her dark brown eyes drilled into his. “YOU have no choice in the matter. You handed me your problem and I have solved it.” She held him there for a moment, and then she let him go, pushing him away. “Go home to Abby, Kane.” She headed for the door, opened it and gestured for him to leave. Kane remained where he was.

“I will stop it. I have to.”

Indra shut the door again. “So you will risk your life to save a man who deserves his punishment? I don’t understand you.”

“There has been too much death already. I am not going to be responsible for one more.”

“You can choose your death over your life if you wish, but what about Abby? Do you choose her death over Osias’ life? Because that is what you are doing.”

Kane took a deep breath, closed his eyes. “It won’t come to that. I will take the blame.”

“And leave her alone? How long do you think it will be before she’s back on the pills? You do this, you are killing her too.”

“That’s….” Kane swallowed hard, because he was worried Indra was right. This was the devil’s choice to have to make. “I don’t know what to do, Indra.”

“You do know. You just don’t want to admit it.” She opened the door again and this time Kane headed towards it. “Osias will be in the pit tonight. Do what you have to do. I have done my part.” She closed the door on Kane, forcing him out into the hallway.

Kane leant against the door and tried to breathe deeply. He wanted to vomit, and it took a supreme effort to keep down what little he had in his stomach. He couldn’t see how he could stop what was happening now that Osias had been arrested. If he admitted he’d been stealing pills, then the result would be that all three of them would be put in the pit, probably to fight each other knowing Octavia’s bloodlust. She’d enjoy watching Kane and Abby have to fight each other, not that it would ever happen, because Kane would kill himself first, so she wouldn’t have to. There was nothing he could do, and yet he couldn’t do nothing. He had to tell Abby; news of Osias’ arrest would get around the bunker, and if she was back in Medical she might hear of it, and he wanted her to find out from him.

Kane had to go to work first because he had scheduled meetings and there was no choice. He listened to people complaining, to endless problems with supplies, to quarrels about their few shared resources, and all the while thoughts about Osias percolated through his mind. The fan in the room whirred, the electric lights buzzed. The noise grew loud in his brain, the flickering hurt his eyes, giving him a headache. A man was in the last hours of his life because of him. Condemned to a brutal, painful death. If his own sacrifice would suffice he would do it, but it would lead to the loss of the only person that mattered to him now in this world, for Indra was right, Abby would not survive without him, not down here, not in this life.

Two hours later Kane finally made it to Medical. Abby was sitting at her desk, sorting prescriptions. She hadn’t heard the door open, and Kane stood for a moment, looking at her. It was always terrible knowing something another person didn’t. The knowledge sat heavily on his shoulders, weighing him down. She was happy now, her life had the old familiar trajectory, she thought she knew how this day was going to go, and the next, and she was prepared for it. Now he had to bring that man back into their lives, upset their shaky equilibrium.

“Hi,” he said quietly, and she looked up and smiled, making his heart swell painfully.

“You couldn’t keep away.” She put down her pen and got to her feet, still holding on to the chair arm for support, but steadier now.

“You’re right. I couldn’t.” He crossed to her, took her in his arms and kissed her. When they parted, he pulled out her chair further and helped her sit back down. He took the seat opposite her. “Where’s Jackson?”

“He’s in the treatment room with a patient.”

“Okay.” Kane drummed his fingers on the table.

“What’s the matter?”

“What do you mean?”

“I know that look. You want to tell me something I’m not going to like. What’s going on, Marcus?”

“I don’t want to upset you.”

“I’m a drug addict, not a child. Just tell me.”

She didn’t see it, but she was still vulnerable; there were times over the last month where she was childlike, needy, unable to face reality. Kane wasn’t convinced she was as healed as she seemed to think she was, but she deserved to know.

“You promised me, Marcus,” Abby continued. “We wouldn’t keep things from each other anymore.”

“Yes, okay. I’m sorry.” Kane took a deep breath. “It’s about Osias.”

“Oh.” Abby drew in on herself, shrank into the chair. “What about him?”

“He’s been arrested.”

Relief made Abby’s features relax. She let her arms drop to the sides of the chair. “Well, that’s good, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know.” Kane shook his head.

“Why not? Oh, is he going to implicate me? Has he told Octavia about the pills?” She gripped the arms of the chair, leant forward. Fear had replaced the relief on her face.

“No, no. No, love, it’s not that. Don’t worry. Indra has taken care of him. He won’t get a chance to say anything.”

“Indra?”

“Yes, I told her about him. I had to,” he said, in response to Abby’s look of shock.

“Marcus, why?”

“She knew, Abby. She knew about the pills. When she brought you home, after you were, you know, not yourself.”

“You can say when I was high, Marcus.”

“Yes. Sorry. When you were high, I tried to pass it off as an accident, part of your stomach flu, but she wasn’t fooled. She didn’t tell Octavia and… I had to talk to someone, Abby. I was… I had to trust her, and I did.”

Abby wiped a tear from her cheek, reached out her hand to Kane’s and he took it, curled his fingers through hers. “This is all my fault,” she said.

“No. No, it’s not. Don’t think that. I made it worse, and now he’s going to die because of me.”

“In the pit?”

“Yes.” He forced himself to look at her, expecting to see anger with him or shame etched on her face, but she was frowning instead. “What?” said Kane.

“If he goes to the pit…. He’s committed crimes, hasn’t he? Lots of crimes.”

“But he’s going to die, Abby, and he wouldn’t be in there if I hadn’t told Indra.”

Abby let go of his hand, sat back in her chair. “If you commit a crime you go to the pit and you fight for your life. That’s the rule.”

“We’ve committed crimes, both of us. Do we deserve to go to the pit?”

“We didn’t get caught.” Abby folded her arms across her chest. She wouldn’t budge on this, Kane could tell. He was surprised at her attitude, because she’d always fought against injustice regardless of the rules. It was Kane who’d believed in the rule of law, not her.

“That’s not a good enough reason, Abby. It’s about what is the right thing to do.”

“The right thing to do is for you to live, Marcus. I haven’t done… we haven’t gone through what we have so you can die in that pit. No.”

“Am I supposed to stand by and let it happen?”

“Yes. You said you wouldn’t leave me. Never again, you said. Was that a lie?”

“No, but.”

“There are no buts.” She unfolded her arms and reached out again to him. “I know this isn’t easy for you, but we survive first, then we find our humanity again. Remember when you told me that?”

Kane did remember, and he was surprised she’d brought it up, because he’d often wondered if that was when Abby’s problems truly started, when she killed the grounder. “We lost our humanity a long time ago.”

A sob escaped Abby at his words, and a tear ran down Kane’s cheek when he heard it.

“We do what we have to do,” said Abby, and she wiped her tears away and sat up straight. “Don’t you leave me, Marcus. Don’t you dare.”

Kane stood up. There was nothing more he could say to her; it was obvious her mind was made up and he knew why she was saying what she was, and he shouldn’t have expected anything else. She didn’t want to lose him, and she was prepared to do anything and say anything to prevent that.

“I’ll be late home tonight.”

Abby nodded. “As long as you come home.”

Kane looked at her for a long time, and concern grew on Abby’s face. “I love you,” Kane said. He waited for her to reply as she usually did, but she was silent, and stony-faced. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”

“No. I’ll say it when you get home.”

Kane looked at her again, and there was a tense silence between them, which was broken by Jackson coming into the room.

“Kane!” he said. “Couldn’t keep away from Abby, eh?” The doctor beamed in that innocent way he had, and Kane thought if he didn’t leave the room now he would never be able to.

“I’m just leaving, Eric. Look after Abby, won’t you?”

Jackson frowned. “Of course.”

Kane nodded, glanced at Abby and then he left the room and returned to his office where he sat at his desk and put his head in his hands. He was the only one who saw something wrong in what was to happen. Indra would probably have run Osias through already if she could have. He suspected Abby might well do the same or put her hand on the sword. She couldn’t live with what she’d already done, but she expected him to. What’s one more death amongst hundreds, thousands? A worthless life, as Indra saw it, not as valuable as Kane’s, but who was to judge the value of one life against another? Not him, not Indra, not Abby. He would go to the pit tonight, and he would look the man who was going to die for him in the face. It was the least he could do.

\---

The balcony was already crowded when Kane arrived in the arena, the air pungent with the sweat of hundreds of bodies crushed together, and the ever-present acrid scent of decaying blood. He dreaded coming here, hated that they were reduced to this Romanesque charade of gladiators battling in an arena. Did it give the spectacle a romance to Octavia? An age-old, time-honoured tradition she felt she was honouring? He’d been pondering it for four years now, and still hadn’t come up with a satisfactory answer. She had bloodlust, that was in no doubt, and no one could stop her, not that many seemed to want to. Kane hadn’t even tried after what happened in the Dark Year. What was the point? He hated Octavia for what she’d done to their people, but he hated himself most of all, for his cowardice, his acceptance of the status quo.

Kane pushed to the front of the crowd, stared down at the blood-stained arena floor. He’d read a lot of political theory since they’d been in the bunker; the Second Dawn people were very fond of it judging from the library they’d left. One quote had stuck in his mind, that bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing. He had done nothing since he’d given in and eaten the human flesh. That had broken him, and it was only since he’d truly seen the depth of Abby’s pain and guilt, seen how depression had got a hold of her and changed the essence of who she was, that he realised he was depressed himself, that his lethargy, his reluctance to stand against Octavia’s tyranny, was a consequence of this. He’d thought earlier that there was no point fighting against her, because it would end only in his death, but that’s how dictators won. Someone had to stand up; someone had to show the people the way out of the dark. Was it going to be him? Was he even a good man anymore? Was anybody?

The noise from the crowd increased, and Kane was pressed against the chain-link fence. He hooked his fingers through it to steady himself and watched as the condemned men entered the arena below. Osias was last, wearing his nomadic robes, his long beard knotted into a thin braid. He didn’t look up and Kane’s emotions were mixed. He wanted Osias to see him, to know his executioner, and at the same time he didn’t, was terrified it would prompt an outburst from the man, accusations against him and Abby that would be hard to brush aside.

A hush descended over the crowd, and Kane turned to see Octavia entering the arena flanked by Gaia and Indra. Indra saw him and frowned. Octavia took her seat and a murmur rippled through the crowd that turned to shouting and roaring, the rattling of the fence, the rhythmic beating of weapons against the metal. Octavia raised her arms, and silence descended again. Gaia stepped forward, began her speech about the strength, unity and honour of the Kru. What a joke that was. Unity obtained through fear did not make anyone strong, and there was certainly no honour in it. Kane had learned that many years ago. He kept his eyes fixed on Osias who was looking around now, searching the lower reaches of the balconies for the best weapon. The tap on Kane’s shoulder made him jump, and he half-turned to see Indra behind him.

“I knew you would come,” she whispered.

“I had to.”

“You’d better not be planning anything stupid.” Kane didn’t answer. His grip on the fence tightened. “Why did you tell me, Kane, if you didn’t want this to happen?

Why indeed? Had he really been so desperate to talk to someone other than Abby, or had he wanted this deep down all along? It was an easy way out of their problems. It cut off Abby’s supply, stopped the blackmail, removed any future threat to them. And he had known this would be Indra’s solution, for what other was there?

“You were right,” he said as he looked down at Osias. “I didn’t want to admit what I wanted.”

Indra’s breath tickled the back of his neck as she let out a long sigh. “There is something for you in locker sixty-seven when this is over. Wait until the room is empty.”

Kane turned to look at her but she had melted into the crowd and soon she was back at Octavia’s side, standing ramrod straight, looking down onto proceedings. There was silence in the crowd as everyone bent their heads and the motto born from that terrible Dark Year was spoken. “All of me for all of us.” Kane didn’t say the words, and as he watched, neither did Osias. He was scanning the crowd while no one else was looking, and his eyes found Kane’s. They stared at each other. Kane’s heart was thumping out of his chest, or so it felt. It was so loud in the silence he thought everyone must be able to hear it, because it was pounding in his ears, in his head, through his veins. Osias’ eyes grew wide, his mouth fell open. He lifted his arm to point at Kane.

“Be the last,” said Gaia.

Osias’ mouth formed a word, but it was drowned out in the roar of the crowd as anticipation for the battle grew to a fever pitch. Kane heard it nevertheless, watched the tongue as it pressed behind the teeth, saw the lips form the word.

“Traitor.”

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” Kane shouted, but Osias didn’t see or hear because he was scrabbling for a weapon and then he was running around the arena floor, swinging the heavy axe at his opponents. Blood spattered, screams punctured the air, from the fighters, from the crowd. Osias swung his axe with full momentum, taking the head off one opponent, sending it flying across the floor. The blood sprayed everywhere, landing on Kane’s hands where they gripped the fence so hard it was cutting into him, but he barely noticed. The metallic tang of blood was in his nose and he could taste it. It woke something in him, something primitive, and his own blood responded, heating, rising. He quashed the feelings, pressed them back down. No, no, no, this was wrong. This was all wrong. He screamed for it to stop but nobody heard him. His was one voice among hundreds, and no one else cared.

On the pit floor they were down to two combatants, Osias and a huge man with Trikru markings, Indra’s man. Who would be the last? If Osias won, then Kane and Abby were dead, and probably Penn, and Jackson, and Indra, anyone who had helped them. He had to die, he had to die, oh what a terrible life this was! Kane forced himself to watch every thrust, every block, every parry. Osias was not going to give up easily, but Indra’s man was big and strong, faster than Osias, more practiced with his weapon. He got the nomad to the floor. Osias kicked out, lashed upwards with the axe but it was too heavy. The downward blow from the sword pierced him with ease, and the grounder leant all his weight on it, pinning Osias to the floor. He struggled but he couldn’t move, and the fight went out of him. He turned his eyes to Kane, and Kane held his gaze, watched as the light in his eyes dulled, and then his head rolled back, and his body went limp and he was gone.

Kane pushed out of the crowd, went into the locker room. He sat down on a bench and cried. They couldn’t go on like this, he couldn’t go on like this, but what could he do? This was reality, this was their lives. Too many of the people in here were like Octavia, battlers, warriors, born to fight. He was never going to win them over, and he could never leave Abby. He’d promised her; she needed to be able to trust him. It just had to be him and her from now on. No involving other people. If she needed drugs, he would get them for her somehow. He wiped his tears away, saw the blood on his hands. He ran to the sink and vomited a thin, stringy liquid, and then he scrubbed the blood away, washed it down the sink. He drank some water, splashed his face and then he stood up straight. Time to go home. He remembered the locker as he was about to leave and found number sixty-seven. It was unlocked and inside was a flask. He unscrewed the lid and the aroma of the broth came out. There was a thin piece of paper stuck to the bottom of the flask. Kane closed the lid and turned it upside down, peeled off the paper. There were four scribbled words in what he presumed was Indra’s handwriting.

_Leave this to me_

A great sob welled up in Kane’s chest and erupted, its sound echoing around the empty room. He didn’t deserve this, didn’t deserve Indra’s kindness, what she had done for him, but Abby did. He swallowed his sob back down, tucked the flask under his arm where it wouldn’t be noticed easily, and went home.

When he opened the door, Abby was sitting at the table, anxiety written all over her face. She stood up when he entered, ran to him and put her arms around his neck. Kane dropped the flask onto the chair, and then he wrapped his arms around her and they squeezed each other so tightly Kane could hardly breathe.

“Is it done?” Abby whispered into his ear.

“Yes.”

“You did the right thing.”

Kane broke the hug and held her arms instead, stepping back from her so he could see her properly.

“Did I?”

Abby nodded, a pained smile on her face. “Yes. What else could you do?”

She pulled Kane towards her again and he let her hug him and kiss him and stroke his face. One day. One day there would come a time when the choice would be easier, and he would do the right thing, for everyone.

“I love you,” Abby was saying. “I love you so much.”

Kane kissed her forehead, looked into her tearful brown eyes. What else could he have done really? “I love you too. You’re my heart.”

“You are mine.”

They held each other, and the pain eased a little in the warmth of her arms. They had come through this, and they were closer than ever. This was the true strength, unity and honour, what they had together. This place was hell, and yet it was home. Their home. The only one they’d made together. Remember that, he told himself, as Abby sighed contentedly and hugged him as though she would never let him go.

That was their second attempt.


	12. Abby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's eighteen months since their last big attempt at detox and Abby has long since relapsed. An emergency in the bunker forces her and Kane to extremes in their quest to avoid her addiction being discovered.

**Eighteen Months Later**

Octavia is staring at me I don’t know why. Does she know? Can she tell? I think we’re in her room but I don’t know how I got here. She’s swimming in and out of focus and I feel sick like I did on the boat to Becca’s island. I reach out my hand to her but Marcus grabs hold of it stands in front of me and now all I can see is Indra next to Octavia glaring like she always does, but not at me, she’s staring straight ahead. Marcus is saying something, but I can’t make out all the words. Of course. Yes. Two days. Abby will. What’s he promising her? My mind is stuffed with cotton it absorbs everything before it reaches my brain. I can’t think clearly. I close my eyes and stare into the blackness of my head only it’s not black it’s full of multicoloured dots. I chase them round my mind, try to catch them but they don’t stop. Suddenly I’m moving, Marcus’s hand is on my back pushing me forward. I stumble and open my eyes. Marcus is talking to me. “We need to [something] sober.” Oh, not that again. Why is he bothering me about this? The floor is moving the walls are closing in oh I’m going to be sick.

I open my eyes and I’m looking into the cold silver metal of the toilet bowl. Someone has hold of my hair and they’re hurting me. I try to wriggle free and hear Marcus’s voice, low and calm.

“It’s alright, it’s alright. You’re okay.”

I try to answer him, but my mouth is wet with saliva and vomit is rising. I lean over the bowl and my hair moves with me and the vomit keeps coming it’s not going to stop, when will it stop? Now there’s nothing coming out but my stomach keeps heaving. Marcus’s hand is on my back rubbing in circles and I retch and retch and my throat is burning, God it’s disgusting.

“Just breathe. Take your time,” Marcus is saying. He hands me a cloth and I wipe my mouth. I think it has stopped now. My stomach is aching and my throat is sore. My mouth is dry now and my tongue sticks to the roof when I try to talk.

“M’okay,” I manage. I try to get up and Marcus puts his hand out to help me but I push him away I can do it myself. No I can’t, I can’t stand my legs are giving way I’m falling. Marcus swoops me up before I hit the floor and carries me into our bedroom. How did we get here? We were with Octavia. He folds back the covers and puts me into bed, sits down next to me. He reaches out tucks something wet behind my ear must be my hair. He smiles at me with that look he has. His hair is so long, when did it get so long, and his beard is straggly. It prickles me when he kisses me, sometimes I like it sometimes I don’t. He hands me a glass of water from my bedside table and I take a sip. It’s cool and wet and oh it feels so good sliding down my sore throat. I gulp it and start to cough.

“Easy,” Marcus says, and he takes the glass from me, puts it down.

“How did I get here?” I’m feeling better now I’ve been sick, it’s often like that. My mind is still fuzzy but it’s clearing.

“Do you remember talking to Octavia?” Marcus strokes my face with his strong fingers that are gentle with me.

“Not really. We were in her room then I was being sick, oh I wasn’t sick on Octavia was I?”

“No, love. You weren’t sick on her.”

I look at him and his shirt is stained and damp. Oh. I was sick on him again.

“Sorry,” I say, and he shakes his head, frowns and smiles like he always does. Nothing I ever do is wrong.

“It’s okay.”

It’s not okay, It’s never okay. What did I take this time? I don’t remember taking anything but clearly I did.

“Octavia is unwell,” Marcus is saying. “She needs an operation.”

“An operation?”

“Yes, you diagnosed her yesterday.”

I examined her yesterday? Jesus what the hell did I take? It must have been a powerful drug; I can’t remember a thing.

“What’s wrong with her?”

“She has an inflamed appendix. It needs to come out.”

“Oh, well that’s okay. Jackson can do that, she doesn’t need me.” I feel relieved until I see Marcus’s face.

“She won’t have Jackson do it she only wants you.”

What? Oh, this is a nightmare! I can’t operate on Octavia in this state. My hands are shaking I can’t hold a scalpel I can’t cut into her I’ll kill her!

“Marcus, I can’t! There’s no way. I can’t do it.” Panic is rising in me. There’s no way out of this she’ll realise, she’ll know, this is the end.

“Shush, shush, it’s okay.” Marcus’s voice is soothing and low. It calms me a little. “I’ve told her you’re unwell, that you’re not fit to do it straight away. She has time; you said it wasn’t acute. She’s given us two days to get you well.”

Two days! “Marcus, I can’t. Two days won’t make a difference. Look at me!” I hold my shaking hands out to him and he takes them in his hands and kisses them.

“I know. That’s why we have to get you sober.”

I won’t get sober in two days, it took a month last time, maybe after a couple of weeks if I tried hard. It’s impossible in two days unless he means doing a rapid detox but surely he doesn’t mean doing that after what happened with the cold turkey when it nearly killed me? I look into his eyes and they’re so big and worried and he has tears in them and I’m always making him cry, I shouldn’t be making him cry. Now tears are pricking at my eyes and I know he does mean it. He does want me to do a rapid detox.

“No, Marcus!”

“Abby, we have to. If you don’t do this she’s going to know. She’s already suspicious. Please, Abby, please. I don’t want to lose you.” His tears are flowing now they’re splashing down on our hands that are still joined. Another splash, and this one’s from me. “You don’t have to stay sober if you don’t want to. I won’t force you. Just do this and then you can do whatever you want.”

He knows me so well he always does. I don’t want to be sober. I don’t want to live down here with the reality all the time, I can’t do it. I don’t want to be the way I am but I don’t know what else to be anymore. The other Abby is gone, she left a long time ago, I don’t know if I’ll get her back I don’t know how to. The previous times I’ve detoxed I’ve always slipped back because I can’t live without it; it is who I am now. I am a drug addict and I don’t want to change. If it were up to me I’d take my chances with Octavia, let her find out, let her put me out of my misery, but there’s Marcus. I can’t do that to him.

“Okay,” I hear myself saying. “Okay.”

Relief floods his face and his eyes light up; he leans in and kisses my lips and his beard is scratchy but I like it, it’s a good pain.

“I’ll go and see Eric, get him to bring round what we need.” He starts to get up but I pull him back down.

“No!”

“What do you mean, no?”

“We’re not involving Jackson.”

“Abby, we need him, we can’t do this ourselves.”

“I don’t want him seeing me like that. Please, Marcus.”

“Abby, I’ve read about it, you know I have, and it’s dangerous. Anything could go wrong.”

“Nothing will go wrong. I know what I’m doing and so do you. We’ll do this together.” I fold my arms in front of my chest and Marcus knows that’s my signal that I won’t be changing my mind. He sighs.

“If it does go wrong….”

“Then you can get him.”

He runs his fingers through his hair like he does when he’s stressed and I’m sorry that I’m always doing this to him I really am. I don’t know why he stays, no yes I do. I’m his drug, his addiction, and he is mine, except I am constantly unfaithful while he is true.

“Okay.” He smiles, tucks my covers around me, leans in again and kisses me. “I love you. We can do this.”

“Yes we can. I love you too.”

“We’ll go and get the supplies from Medical tonight when Jackson is gone. Try to sleep. I’ll wake you when it’s time.” He presses a kiss to my forehead and I nod and smile at him and watch as he goes over to his chair and picks up his book. I don’t think I’ll sleep, I’m too wired.

\---

“Clarke, don’t unwind Mommy’s bandages, sweetheart, Mommy needs them.”

“I’m mending Wells’ arm, Mommy, it’s broken.”

“Well, you only need one bandage for that. Put the rest back.”

This child, she’s an old head on young shoulders. It’s flattering that she wants to be like me. She’ll make a good doctor one day, she’s caring, intuitive. I dry my surgical instruments and watch her as she carefully winds the bandage around Wells’ arm. Her tongue is sticking out between her teeth as she concentrates. She gets to the end of the bandage and then frowns. She’s thinking about what to do next. I wait. She tries to tie the ends but her four-year-old fingers get tangled together.

“Mommy!”

“What is it, darling?”

“I can’t get it to stay on.”

“Let me show you.”

I head over to her, kneel behind her and take her small hands in mine. Her warm little body presses into me for comfort.

“Take this end here.” I put it between her fingers. “Then take this end here.” I put the other end in her other hand. “And cross them like this.” I show her how to tie the ends together then I undo them and tell her to do it herself. She struggles but she does it, although I’m not sure the bones would stay in place if the arm really was broken.

“I did it!”

“You’re so clever, Clarke. I love you!”

“Love you, Mommy.”

I kiss her blonde head and she smells warm and powdery and I love her so much, my baby.

“Abby!”

Who’s that?

“Abby, it’s time.”

What? I look around and Kane is here, what’s he doing here, and he’s touching me, he’s stroking my arm.

“Wake up, Abby.” He’s leaning in to kiss me, and he has a beard now, when did he get a beard? Marcus Kane is kissing me and I like it.

“Mommy!” Clarke looks aghast, and then she’s fading, and I open my eyes and Marcus is looking down at me.

“Clarke!” I cry, and tears are flowing down my face and Marcus is holding me and rocking me.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.”

“I don’t want to wake up.” And that’s the thing. I don’t want to wake up. I want to sleep forever, to live in my dreams where my life is good and my baby is warm in my arms. Of course she hasn’t been a baby for a long time, and life hasn’t been good for a long time. Well, life with Marcus is good, but the rest.

“I know. I’m sorry. Were you dreaming about Clarke again?”

“Yes.”

“I’m so sorry to wake you.” He looks guilty and I put my arms around him and I pull him towards me and I kiss him long on the lips even though I know I must taste awful and my breath probably smells, but he’s used to that. He kisses me back, moans like he always does because no matter what I look like or smell like or how horrible I am or how high I am Marcus loves me and wants me and it used to drive me insane his easy forgiveness but now I cling to it, I need it.

“I’m ready. I’m ready.” I sit up and see that Marcus has changed his shirt and he’s laid out clean clothes for me. I change into the fresh jeans and top although I don’t see the point because the next twenty-four hours are going to be messy and I’m going to ruin these clothes probably from every orifice but he likes me to keep clean and to look good because we never know who we’ll see when we’re outside our bubble.

Marcus takes my hand and we walk out of the door and along the hallway as though we’re out for a romantic stroll in the moonlight. We get to Medical without being seen and I punch in my code and open the door with purpose in case Jackson is still inside and I can pretend I’m here for a legitimate reason. There’s no one around, and I get straight to business, getting the drugs we need, and some adrenaline, anti-sickness pills, injectors, maxi pads in case I can’t get to the bathroom they’ll at least be some protection, less for Marcus to have to clean up. What is this life I’m leading? How did it get to this? I must have let out a cry because Marcus is suddenly next to me, his face full of concern.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes.”

He nods. “Do you have everything you need?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Let’s go.”

We half-walk, half-run back to our quarters and I go inside and Marcus shuts the door and leans against it. Then he runs to the bathroom and I can hear him vomiting. I go in and he’s kneeling on the floor gripping the edge of the toilet bowl. Now I know what he sees more often than he should. I kneel beside him and stroke his hair.

“What’s the matter?”

“Nerves,” he says, and then he flushes the toilet and goes over to the sink to rinse out his mouth. He’s scared. I am too. Tears well up in my eyes again but I blink them away. There’s no time for that now. We have to be professional, methodical.

“Are you ready?” I say.

“Yes.”

“Let’s do this.”


	13. The Rapid Detox

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby starts the rapid detox, and it's a painful experience for her and Kane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To recap - this is the second part of the two-part section on Kane and Abby's first attempt at rapid detox. In the last chapter, we saw how they got to this moment from Abby's point of view. Here we move to Kane's pov as they prepare to undergo the procedure. It's rapid detox - it isn't going to be pretty.

“Let’s do this,” Abby said.

She sounded confident, certain that this would work, that it would all be okay, but Kane was far from sure. He was shaking as he helped her set up the IV drip containing the detox medication. Abby was shaking too, though Kane didn’t think it was from nerves like him; withdrawal was already taking hold of her. She was so dehydrated he struggled to find a suitable vein and once he thought he’d found a usable one he was frightened of inserting the needle, scared he would mess it up, hurt her. Abby took over, but her shakes were too bad to be effective.

“Take a deep breath,” she said. “Be confident.” She smiled at him with her cracked lips and her red, rheumy eyes and Kane was torn. On the one hand he wanted her to detox, to get better, but he knew this wasn’t the right way, wasn’t going to be long-term. She’d already said she didn’t want to be sober. He was putting her through all this pain for nothing in the end. They’d be right back to square one.

“Abby…” he said, his voice cracking. “Are you sure you don’t want a general anaesthetic? It will be easier on you.”

She shook her head. “We’ve discussed this. The risks are higher. You aren’t qualified to administer and monitor the anaesthetic. If something goes wrong from that…”

“And I’m qualified to do this?” Kane looked at her despairingly.

“Just do it, Marcus.” Her voice was hard, because she wanted to get this over with and he was delaying it, making everything worse. Tears sprung to Kane’s eyes, spilled onto the back of his hand where it held the needle and cannula. Abby put her trembling hand over his. “It will be okay.”

Kane leaned in, kissed her dry lips. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too. You can do this.”

He kissed her again, and then he steeled himself, found the vein and tried to push the needle in. The first vein didn’t work, so he moved further up her arm and tried again. This time it went in, and Abby sucked in a breath as he probed the vein, getting the cannula into the perfect position.

“That looks good,” she said when he stood back and looked at her. “Well done.”

“Now we wait,” Kane said.

“Now we wait.”

Kane moved to the other side of the bed so he wouldn’t interfere with the IV. He sat down, held Abby’s hand, stroked her papery skin. How many years had they known each other, through the good and the bad? It felt like many lifetimes. So much they’d been through, and against all the odds they’d found each other, loved each other. Now look at them. He never thought it would come to this.

“Marcus?”

He looked at Abby, smiled. “What?”

“If anything happens…”

“Abby…”

“No. Please. I want to say this.”

God, this was a nightmare. He wasn’t ready to hear this, wanted to put his hands over his ears and shut out her words, but it wasn’t fair. She wanted him to know whatever it was, and he had no right to deny her. He squeezed her hand, nodded his assent.

“If you ever see Clarke again, tell her I love her.” A sob escaped Abby, and Kane’s heart shattered into so many pieces he didn’t think he’d ever be able to pick them all up. “Tell her I’m so proud of her.”

“I will. I will.” He smiled, ignoring the salty tears that dripped onto his parted lips. “She’d be so proud of you.”

“No, no.” Abby shook her head.

“Yes. Always. I am. I’m proud of you.”

Abby’s sobs turned into full-blown cries, and Kane inched forward so he could take her into a hug. Abby’s free arm came around him, her fingers in his hair, pressing him towards her so his forehead was touching hers.

“You,” she said, and then she couldn’t get any more words out.

“I know,” Kane murmured.

“We’re in this together,” she whispered after a moment to gather herself.

“Yes.”

“To the end.”

“To the end,” Kane repeated.  

Abby sniffed, and then she drew back from him, wiped the tears from her face, pursed her lips and nodded. “Okay.” She screwed up her face; an involuntary cry escaped her lips.

“Is it starting?” said Kane, his heart thumping so hard in his chest it was painful.

“Yes.”

Here we go, he thought. He had little real idea what to expect, so he prepared for the worst the books had described and hoped for the best.

It was manageable at first, the only sign of Abby’s pain as the drug took hold was her clenched fists where she gripped the sheets. Kane tried to distract her, telling her the funniest stories he could remember from back on the Ark where he’d fallen victim to more than a few pranks by unruly teenagers over the years. She laughed at first, and then the smiles disappeared as the withdrawal symptoms kicked in. It was the most painful thing he’d ever undergone watching her writhe on the bed, screaming and crying with agony. He bit back the desire to scream himself as it tried to overwhelm him, blinked so that the tears wouldn’t fall. Strength was what she needed from him, not weakness.

She vomited twice, a bitter acrid-smelling volume of a pale liquid pouring from her. The first time she hit the bucket they’d placed by the bed, the second time it went all over the floor. Kane ran to the bathroom to get hot water and a cloth and cleaned it all up. How many times had he been on his hands and knees mopping up her mess? Too many. He got a fresh cloth, wet it beneath the tap and dabbed it over her fevered brow and cheeks. After a few minutes she pushed him away. He tried to hold her hand but she kept shrugging him off. He didn’t know what to do for the best.

She tossed and turned on the bed and then she sat up abruptly.

“Marcus, Marcus,” she whispered, forcing him to move closer to her so he could hear her properly.

“What is it? What can I do?”

“Stop it, please. I can’t take this. Unhook the IV. It’s not going to work.”

Kane was prepared for this; she’d told him in no uncertain terms was he to give in to her demands no matter what she said. “You can take it, you know you can. Be strong.”

Abby flew into a rage at his words, moving from soft whispering to shouting in a matter of seconds. “Be strong! What the fuck do you know about being strong? You don’t know what I’m going through! Sitting there, all high and mighty. Come on, Marcus. You couldn’t do this, you know you couldn’t, so why are you making me?”

“You’re right; I probably couldn’t do this, but you’re stronger than me. You always have been.”

“You’re weak. You can’t do what needs to be done.”

“I am doing what needs to be done.”

Abby shook her head. “No. Someone who loves me wouldn’t make me go through this.”

Her words cut him, wounding him deeply because a large part of him thought it was true. Why would anyone let the love of their life do something as dangerous and agonising as this? And what was it for? To save Octavia, someone who had ruined all their lives, reduced them to their basest selves, willing to do anything to stay alive in this hellhole? What was the point? He put his hands to his head, and Abby must have sensed his hesitation for she sat further up, leaned forward, grabbed one of his hands.

“If you love me, you’ll stop this. Take out the IV. Let’s go back to how we were,” she whispered, and she pulled him towards her so that his face was close to hers. She kissed his lips, softly at first, and then with more passion. “I would do anything for you,” she said, and Kane groaned. Her tongue was probing his lips, trying to make him open his mouth, and it was hard to fight against it, because he’d always loved this part of their life together, their intimacy. He sighed, and she took advantage of the slackening of his lips and moved in, devouring him, and he lost himself for a moment, pushed their situation to the back of his mind just to be with her like this one more time. Then he remembered the last time this had happened, when Abby had tried to seduce him in order to distract him. He had to think of her like she was when she was in the City of Light, a different Abby, not herself. He pushed her away gently.

“I do love you,” he said, “and that’s why I’m doing this.”

Abby sighed theatrically, and then lay back as though she had given in. As Kane started to relax, she suddenly lurched upwards and reached across her body, trying to yank the cannula out of her arm. Kane dived across, all his weight on her frail body, and grabbed her arm, pulling it away. She fought him, strong for someone so small and thin, but he was more powerful than her, and he straddled her, pinning her to the bed, his hand holding hers against the pillow.

“Not a chance,” he said, and Abby glowered at him. Kane was realising how unprepared they were for this procedure. Her body didn’t want to withdraw, and it was making her desperate, willing to do anything to keep feeling good. They should have tied her down, because now Kane was stuck here sitting on her. He couldn’t leave to find something because in the seconds he was gone she would pull the IV out, and yes he could reinsert it but she would fight him, and it would be painful getting it back into a vein. He wanted to avoid hurting her any more than he had to.

“We could at least do something fun while we’re in this position,” said Abby with a suggestive wiggle of her hips.

Kane ignored her. Abby lay back, exhausted after expending what little energy she had fighting him. Kane let go of her arm but kept an eye on her all the time. They’d been doing this for two hours at the most. The book said the main element of the rapid withdrawal could take three to four hours and then there was recovery time. He’d have to sit here straddling her for all that time. He looked down at her. Her eyes were closed, and her breathing had slowed. She looked peaceful, but he knew it wouldn’t last. He had to remain vigilant at all times.

Abby had been asleep for about fifteen minutes and Kane grew hopeful that she might stay that way through the rest of the withdrawal. Hope was a dangerous thing to feel, because it made him relax, and so her piercing scream as she sat bolt upright shocked him and made him almost lose control of his bladder and other parts of his body.

“What?” he shouted, his voice shaking.

“I can’t do this, I can’t take this! Please let it stop, please!”

She scrambled for the IV again and Kane forced her away from it. She struggled so hard he was scared she was going to injure herself.

“Get off me, you bastard!” she shouted as Kane held her down.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he said in as soothing a voice as he could manage. It only made her worse.

“It’s not okay. Fuck you! Fuck you, Marcus Kane! What did I ever see in you?” She wriggled, and Kane leant more of his weight on her. “I don’t know what I was thinking when I got together with you. You’re weak and pathetic. Everyone hates you, you know that don’t you? Bellamy, Octavia, Clarke. They pretend they’ve forgiven you but they haven’t.”

Kane tried to shut out her words, but they went around and around in his head. She couldn’t have hurt him more if she’d stuck her scalpel into him and sliced his heart in two, for hadn’t Bellamy said the same thing to him, and Octavia? He would never escape his past, no matter what he did to atone for it.

“I know,” he said quietly, and Abby sneered at him.

“You know. You know nothing. You didn’t have the balls to leave me outside when I told you that’s what I wanted. You forced me to stay here because YOU were too weak to be here by yourself. All of this is your fault, you know. ALL of it!”

What was he thinking about how she couldn’t have hurt him more? This was at the heart of it, always had been and probably always would be. She’d blamed him when they first closed the bunker doors, she’d blamed him when they heard Clarke and couldn’t get to her, and she’d blamed him ever since. The drugs were because she didn’t want to be here, and she was only here because of him. He’d always thought that was at the bottom of it, no matter what happened in the Dark Year. The damage had already been done to Abby, and he was the one to blame. Kane felt tears well, and he was powerless to stop them, couldn’t even wipe them away without letting go of her, so he was forced to sit there and let her see him cry at her words. She looked triumphant.

“See! Pathetic.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, and he reached up instinctively to touch her, to caress her face, and in the instant he let go of her hand she reached to the side and picked up a pen that was lying on the table and stabbed him in the back of his hand with it.

“Fuck!” he yelled, and she pulled the tip of the pen out and started stabbing at his arm, but he was wearing his jacket luckily and she didn’t have the strength to pierce the material. He slapped her hand, knocking the pen out of it and it skidded across the floor.

This is not Abby, this is not Abby, he whispered over and over to himself as he tucked her hand beneath his legs while he tore at the edges of the bedsheet. He made a ligature and took her hand out before looping the cloth around her wrist and then tying her hand above her head to the headboard. Once her hand was tethered he tore off another strip and tied her other hand to the frame, careful not to disturb the IV. She was kicking at him now because he was off-balance and vulnerable. She caught him between his legs and the pain was exquisite. He cried out, tried to ignore the fire in his groin and the ache in his belly. He tore off two more strips and tied her ankles together. She could still thrash around but she couldn’t do much damage. He should have done this ages ago he realised too late.

He stood by the side of the bed and looked down on an angry, writhing Abby. The sight made his already shattered heart break even further. It wasn’t her, though, he kept telling himself. She wasn’t the one doing this to herself or to him, it was the drugs. Keep remembering that. He pulled a chair up to the side of her bed and sat down, watching her as she cursed and wriggled.

For the rest of the time it took for the drug to leave her system he sat and watched, bearing all the insults she could think to throw at him. At last she fell quiet. Still he waited. Her breathing grew slow and even, and she fell asleep. Kane stayed where he was, watching, waiting.

When she woke, she turned her head to look around her and her eyes alighted on him.

“Hi,” she said, and she smiled.

“Hi,” replied Kane.

Abby moved to sit up, and her restraints held her back. Her eyes opened wide and she frowned with shock at not being able to move. “What the hell?” She looked at her tethered hands and down to her bound feet, pulled on the restraints. “Get me out of this!” She looked at Kane with confusion and a little fear. The fear tore at his heart, but he stayed calm. He wasn’t sure yet if this was another fake-out.    

Kane stood, moved over to her. “How do you feel?” he said, stroking her damp hair.

“I’m fine. What is this? What happened?”

“It’s just a precaution. I was worried you were going to injure yourself.”

“Why, what did I do? Get me out of them.” She pulled on them again and Kane moved closer, his fingers hovering over the ties. He was nervous about freeing her, still unsure if it was over, if they’d succeeded.

“You were very aggressive, kicking and trying to pull your IV out.”

“Oh. Sorry. I don’t remember.”

“That’s okay. If I untie them, you’ll be alright?”

Abby frowned again. “Yes, of course.”

Kane untied the restraint with shaking fingers. He wanted to believe her, and something in him was sure she was telling the truth, that it was over. Her features had softened and relaxed. Now that she was over her initial fear and confusion her eyes were warm when she looked at him, held that familiar look of easy love she gave him unless he’d done something to really annoy her. He moved down the bed to untie her feet and then went around to the other side. He looked at the IV. The bag was nearly empty.

“Do you think it’s okay to unhook the IV now?”

Abby nodded. “I think it’s done the trick.”

“That’s great.” Kane eased the cannula out of her arm and covered the wound with a band-aid. He sat on the bed next to Abby and smiled the warmest smile he could muster. He put his hand to her face, cupped it, his fingers stroking her sharp cheekbones. “Well done,” he said, and Abby smiled.

“We did it!”

“We did.”

“What happened to your hand?” she said as she covered his hand with hers, stroked the makeshift bandage he’d wrapped around his wound.

“Oh, nothing. I caught myself on something. Silly me.” He would tell her eventually, because it was important she knew what they’d both been through. It might make her think before returning to the drugs once Octavia’s operation was over. He wasn’t going to tell her what she’d said, however. No good could come from that. Maybe it was what she felt deep down, or maybe it was just the worst thing she could think of to hurt him with in her agonised state. It didn’t matter. If she couldn’t remember, then he wasn’t going to cause her more pain by telling her. For now, he just wanted to enjoy this moment of success. The journey had been the most harrowing of his life, but they’d made it, and now that pesky feeling called hope was flowing through his veins again.

“Thank you,” said Abby, and she kissed his cheek.

“I did nothing,” said Kane. “It was all you.”

Abby lay back on the bed. “I’m exhausted,” she said.

“Why don’t you rest, and when you wake you can have a warm drink and something to eat.”

“Okay.” She turned away from him and curled up in a ball.

Kane got in bed beside her, turned towards her and draped his arm over her. Abby pulled him closer, tucked his hand beneath hers, and they fell asleep like that.


	14. Sunsets and Sunrises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kane and Abby are getting on with life in the bunker until Octavia makes a discovery that puts them both in danger.
> 
> This chapter explores the events leading up to 5x04 and incorporates the scenes from that episode. Some words therefore belong to The 100 Writers.

**Six Months Later**

Kane woke from a fitful sleep and reached tentatively to the other side of the bed, expecting to find empty space as usual. He was surprised to encounter a warm body, and he turned carefully so as not to disturb Abby. It was rare for him to wake before her. She barely slept these days, was often up at the crack of what must be dawn somewhere above them. He still felt for her, though; old habits died hard. She was lying on her side facing him, her messy braid falling over her shoulder, wisps of hair loose from it and covering her face. He studied her, the puffiness of her eyes, the dark circles beneath them. Her brow was creased and lined as though she was thinking in her sleep, and she looked far from rested. Kane knew if he looked in the mirror he would be the same, because sleep didn’t come easily to either of them in this hellhole, and he felt like he’d aged more in the last year than in any of his previous forty-eight.

He reached out and delicately moved strands of hair from Abby’s face. He knew every part of her, every line, every mark, every crease that appeared when she laughed or smiled or sighed or frowned. He loved to look at her, to touch her, was tempted now to run his fingertips over the tight skin of her face, to trace its contours. He loved her so much, more now than ever. Six years they’d been together, and she’d been addicted to pills most of that time, despite their best efforts to detox. It pained him that he hadn’t been able to help her, that he wasn’t enough and never would be. At the same time he knew she loved him, that he was a comfort to her, a support, a strength.

She stirred, and her long, dark eyelashes fluttered open. She smiled when she saw him looking at her.

“Morning,” she said.

“Morning.” Kane did what he’d wanted to a moment ago and ran his fingers over her face, brushing more loose strands of hair away. “Did you sleep well?”

“I don’t think I woke up. Other than that, I don’t know. I still feel tired.”

Kane nodded, smiled gently as he leaned in and kissed her nose. “I know.”

Abby put her hand on his cheek, her thumb caressing his bottom lip. They kissed, and she pressed herself against him. Her fingers tangled in his hair, and a soft moan escaped her. Kane felt desire build in his veins. He put his hand on her hip and Abby shifted so her leg draped over his. Kane’s cock was pulsing now, and he let out a deep groan when Abby rolled on top of him. She fumbled between them, pushing her underwear down, hooking her thumbs in Kane’s shorts and easing them down. He raised his hips to help her, and then she lay back and he could feel her skin against his, the heat of her sex as she rubbed against him. She took hold of his cock, raised herself so she could guide him inside her, and they both groaned as they moved together with a slow tenderness that made Kane’s heart swell. They didn’t speak, just kissed and touched and enjoyed being together like they always did.

Afterwards, Abby lay with her head on his chest, and he stroked her soft hair. “That was nice,” she said.

“More than nice,” replied Kane and he smiled as he kissed her head.

“Yeah.” Abby sighed. “I suppose I should get up.” She started to turn but Kane pulled her back.

“Not yet. Five more minutes.”

“You’re a terrible influence,” she said, and not for the first time.

“I know.” Kane pulled her closer to him, caressed her bare ass. “I just want to stay like this forever.”

“One day...” said Abby with a sigh.

“Yes, one day.”

“But not today.”

Kane sighed deeply. “You have doctoring to do.”

“And you have to see Octavia.”

Kane groaned. “I’d rather be doing what you’re doing.”

“I’m scheduled to do a digital rectal examination of a man today,” she said with a smirk.

“Again, I’d rather...” Kane left the rest of the sentence hanging, and Abby laughed.

“Okay. I’m getting up.” She threw back the covers and got out of bed, her black vest too short to cover her ass.

“Nice!” said Kane as he watched her walk towards the bathroom. She wiggled her ass at him as she opened the door, and then she disappeared inside with a laugh.

Kane rolled on his back, stared at the ceiling. Every day something new, something she did that made him love her that bit more. He got out of bed himself, pulled on his shorts and made them some herbal tea. He laid Abby’s daily dose of opioids next to her cup on the table and put a biscuit on her plate. Then he dressed in his jeans and dark blue sweater, tied his hair back. When she came out of the bathroom he was in his seat, sipping his tea. She sat down opposite him.

“Thank you for breakfast.”

“You’re welcome.” He held his breath while she picked up her biscuit and contemplated it. Six months had passed since her eating disorder was at its height, but he still had a moment of fear before she took a first bite of any meal. It wasn’t easy for her, didn’t come naturally to eat, and he was sure if he wasn’t there she would slip back to her old ways, but he was there, and she did eat.

He watched her as she crunched on the biscuit. “Are you not eating?” she said as she brushed crumbs from her top.

“I ate already.” That was a lie, because he was hoarding one portion of his daily ration just in case, and so he rarely had breakfast. Just in case of what he wasn’t sure, but it was something he’d started when she wasn’t eating and it had never really stopped. It was a compulsion, perhaps, something that made no sense, but it made him feel in control, ready for anything.

Abby popped her pills in her mouth and washed them down with tea. They’d reached an understanding over her addiction. After she’d operated on Octavia she’d told Kane she wanted to go back to the drugs and as that had been their agreement in return for her treating Octavia, he’d had no choice about it, not that he did anyway. Abby allowed him to administer her dosage and he trusted that she wasn’t taking more than she should. He was probably being foolish, but so far there’d been no signs that she was taking more, but then there hadn’t been last time, so he couldn’t be certain.

He’d realised a long time ago that this was who she was now. She was an addict, and she might lie to him and he might never be able to trust her completely. It didn’t matter how open he told her she could be with him; the drugs controlled her behaviour to an extent and that made her unpredictable. He’d decided it wasn’t important. Well it was, but he wouldn’t let it affect them, it wouldn’t change how he felt about her, how he was with her. They were still a team, they were still in love, and they always would be. They had made a world for themselves and they were functioning in it, or so he believed.

“Time to go?” he said when she’d finished her meal.

“Time to go.”

Kane walked with Abby to Medical, paused at the door to kiss her. “I love you,” he said.

“I love you too.” She smiled at him, and then keyed in her code and went inside. Kane took a deep breath, and headed down the hallway to the Administration centre, and Octavia.

\---

When Kane walked into Octavia’s office he knew immediately something was wrong. She was pacing the room, and Indra was standing stiffly against the wall. She looked at Kane when he entered, shook her head. Shit! What had happened?

“Kane!” said Octavia, pausing in her pacing when she saw him.

“Octavia.” Kane kept his voice low and calm but his heart was racing.

“Are you Quartermaster for this bunker?”

“You know I am.”

“Then can you explain to me why I have to find out supplies are going missing myself, and not from you?”

Kane’s heart started thumping against his chest. He didn’t know what Octavia was talking about, but he could hazard a guess, and it made him feel sick. “What supplies?”

“Tablets. Opioids to be exact.”

Many years ago, Kane had been Head of the Guard on the Ark, and he’d been renowned for his ability to remain straight-faced, to never give anything away. He drew on that experience now. He pursed his lips and looked down his nose at Octavia, shaking his head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t look at me like that, Kane. You’re the one who inventories supplies, and you sleep with the woman who runs Medical. It’s inconceivable to me that you don’t know anything about this.”

“Nevertheless, I don’t.”

Octavia stared at him, her eyes dark and piercing, her skin flushed even through the red warpaint she insisted on wearing. “If you genuinely don’t know what is going on then that is an unforgivable dereliction of your duty.”

“Perhaps you could give me time to investigate, to make sure it’s not an oversight?”

Octavia bristled at that comment. “Are you saying that I have made a mistake?”

“Not at all. A mistake could have been made much further down the line. A transposition of numbers on the records, forgetfulness, any number of reasons.”

Octavia came closer to Kane, so close he could see beads of sweat on her brow. Was this hard for her? Or was she excited? It was difficult to know these days.

“Are you an enemy of Wonkru?”

Kane stared back, held his nerve. “I am Wonkru.”

“Then I will give you until two o’clock to find out the truth. If you don’t bring me the answer or the culprit then you will fight in the pit.”

Kane’s blood ran cold at her words. That was barely four hours. What could he do in four hours to deflect suspicion from Abby?

“Thank you,” he said, and he walked towards the door.

“Kane.”

He turned back to see Octavia standing straight, her hand on her sword.

“Yes?”

“We both know who’s responsible for this. Bring the thief to me and you will live.”

Kane nodded because he wanted to get out of there, was desperate for air, though there was none to breathe, nothing real at least. He closed the door behind him and stumbled down the hallway before pausing to take deep breaths. Octavia knew. She knew about Abby, about the pills, everything. How? He rubbed his beard in despair. It didn’t matter how. What to do about it, that was the question. He had to speak to Abby. Maybe it was a mistake like he’d said to Octavia.

He headed for Medical where he’d left Abby only a short time ago. He punched his code into the door and went inside. She was standing at the sink cleaning equipment. She turned as the door opened, looked at him with surprise, and then she smiled.

“What are you doing here? Have you met Octavia already?”

Kane went up to her, looking around the room as he went. “I need to talk to you. Where’s Jackson?”

Abby frowned. “He’s out doing his rounds of patients. What’s the matter?”

Kane ran his fingers through his hair while he contemplated her.

“Marcus?” Abby reached for his hand, took it in hers and stroked it to calm him. “Tell me.”

“I need to ask you something and I need you to tell me the truth. It’s very important that you’re honest with me, Abby.”

She blanched at his words, and her hand started to shake where it gripped his. “Okay.”

Kane looked around again in case Jackson had magically appeared, and then he took a deep breath. “Have you been stealing extra pills?”

“What?” Abby shook her head. “No. No! Why would you ask me that?” She tried to pull away from Kane but he held on to her, grabbed her other hand so that he had a firm hold.

“Just tell me the truth. It doesn’t matter if it’s a yes.”

Abby drew in a long breath. She looked at Kane and he could see the truth in her eyes.

“Oh, Abby! What have you done?”

Abby’s face crumpled, and tears sprang to her eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Marcus.”

Kane pulled her to him, wrapped his arms around her. She held on to him, sobbed into his shoulder. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” He smoothed her hair, pressed her to him. “Shush.”

They stayed like that for a long time, and then Kane pulled away so he could look at her. “How long has this been going on?” he said in a gentle voice. He didn’t want to appear judgemental, and in fact he wasn’t. He was beyond that, way beyond it, and it wouldn’t do any good to make her feel worse than she already did.

“A few weeks. They stopped working, what you were giving me. I needed more.”

Kane nodded to show he understood. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“I told you that you could never do that, that we would face it all together.”

“It’s easier said than done. I didn’t want to admit it, even to myself.”

“Okay. Okay.”

Abby wiped more tears away. “How did you find out?”

Kane stroked his beard, over and over. “Octavia knows,” he said at last.

“What?” Abby put her hand to her chest, drew in shallow breaths of panic.

“She’s found out someone is stealing tablets. I don’t know how. She brought me in to question me.”

“What did you say?”

“I said I didn’t know anything about it, which was true.”

“Does she know it’s me?”

Kane coughed to give himself a moment to think. Should he tell Abby the truth or not? No. It would only make her panic more. “No. No she doesn’t know. I’ve been tasked with finding out.”

“Oh.” Abby’s face relaxed, but only briefly. “What are you going to tell her?”

“I’ll tell her I couldn’t find out who it was. She has no proof.”

“I was careful.”

“That’s good.” Kane smiled at her, but inside he felt hopeless. She couldn’t have been too careful, otherwise Octavia wouldn’t have found out about it. Kane had covered his own tracks well over the last six months: inventories carefully doctored all the way back to the beginning of their time in the bunker, so the pills never existed in the first place. It was impossible to trace it back to him. Now, Abby had strayed from the plan, and their house of cards was all about to fall down.

Looking at Abby now, at her tear-stained open face, with her stubborn mouth and expressive eyes, there was no way he could let Octavia anywhere near her. Abby was in no state to be questioned by her or Indra if it came to that; the truth would surely come out. She wouldn’t even have to speak; it was all there in her face. He couldn’t let that happen, and there was only one way to prevent it. He must take the blame. He wasn’t going to let Abby know that, though, because she’d be down to Octavia’s office before he could blink.

“I will deal with it. There are ways.” He nodded reassuringly at her. “I’ll deal with it. It’s okay.”

Abby nodded, her eyes still glistening with tears. Kane wiped them away gently with his thumbs.

“Listen,” he said, and he fought to keep his voice calm, light. “You will get through this, I promise.”

Abby nodded again, bit her lip to prevent herself from crying.

“I love you,” Kane continued. “I love you with all of my heart. You’re my life. What we have together I never thought I would have, never thought I deserved, and certainly never from you, but here we are.” He stroked her face while she looked up at him with damp eyes. “I wouldn’t change a thing. Not one thing.”

Abby’s tears flowed again. “That sounds... I don’t know, Marcus. You’re not going to do anything stupid are you? Promise me!”

“Me? No.” He smiled, and he didn’t know how he contorted his face into that expression but somehow he did. “Things will be tough, that’s all, with Octavia. I want you to feel strong. I want you to feel loved and supported.”

“I do. I do.” She wrapped her arms around him again and they held each other tight. He breathed in the scent of her hair, the warm earthiness of her skin. He tried not to think that this was the last time he’d ever hold her, because if he let himself go too far down that road it would be his undoing.

“Good.” Kane pulled away and stood looking at Abby. He nodded to her. “It will be alright.”

“I know. As long as I have you.”

Kane’s heart twisted into such a tight knot it was painful. He dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands to keep himself from crying. “You’re a fighter. Always have been.”

“Come straight back and tell me what she says.”

Kane nodded. He looked her over quickly, taking in every detail of her from her soft, unruly hair, to her tearful, loving face and her crazy outfit she’d put together from scraps she’d found around the bunker. He loved her so much he thought his heart would break. He had to leave now otherwise he would never be able to do it.

“Bye, love,” he said, and he turned and went out of the door without looking at her again. Her soft “bye,” followed him into the hallway, and then he closed the door and walked purposefully to their quarters.

He waited until he was inside and then he cried like he’d never done before not through all the things he’d done, or she’d done, or they’d been through together. He cried for the loss of her, their past, their future, for what would never be. Most of all he cried for her because he wasn’t sure she would survive this. She wasn’t strong despite what he’d told her; she wasn’t the old Abby who could bring a cold, distant man like he used to be to his knees with a look. She was vulnerable, and he didn’t want to leave her alone in this hellhole, but there was no alternative. Nothing else to be done.

He looked around their room, their home together for six years. Lots of memories, good and bad and downright terrible. It was what made them who they were, though. It was them. He wrote her a note, telling her all the things he couldn’t say to her in person without arousing her suspicions more than he already had. He placed it on the table in front of her seat, and then he left.

He went to Indra’s quarters first, praying she’d be there and not with Octavia. She answered his knock and ushered him in.

“I’m sorry, Kane,” she said.

“It’s not your fault. How did she find out?”

“She’s been suspicious for a long time, you know that. She ordered someone to look at the inventories for Medical and to monitor what was coming and going from there. She didn’t tell me. She knows I’m... well, she didn’t trust me. She was right not to.” Indra put her hand on Kane’s arm. “I would have told you, if I’d known.”

“I know. Thank you.” Damn it! It was only a week before his next inventory of medical supplies was due. If Octavia had just waited a little longer, he would have seen it, could have done something. He should have checked himself. He should have checked all the time. He’d been too trusting, and now this had happened. It was all his fault.

Indra nodded, then withdrew her hand. “What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to confess myself.”

Indra looked at him in shock. “Is that wise?”

“I don’t see what else I can do. If Blodreina has looked into the records then I can’t falsify them, and Abby...she’s not able...and she’s stubborn.”

“She’d give herself up.” Indra nodded in agreement.

“Yes. That’s why you must lock her up.”

“Lock her up?”

“Yes. Now, as soon as you can. She’s expecting me back to update her, and when I don’t come she’s going to know, and she’s going to come to the pit and tell everyone. I can’t let that happen, Indra. I can’t.”

“I see that.” Indra sighed. “Very well. I will arrange it.”

“Thank you.”

“What will you do now?”

“I will go and see Octavia. Get it over with.”

“She won’t believe you.”

“It doesn’t matter. She wants a confession, a scapegoat, someone to punish, and it might as well be me.”

“You have been a loyal servant to your Kru. And a good friend.”

Kane nodded briefly. “It has been a privilege to know you and to call you my friend.”

Indra grabbed his elbow and he grabbed hers in return. “I will place the weakest fighters I can in the pit. Ste yuj,” she said.

“Muchof, ai lukot. Thank you, my friend.”

“May we meet again.”

Kane nodded, then he left Indra’s quarters and went to find Octavia.

She was sitting on her throne, one hand flung over the arm, her legs stretched out casually. She sat up straighter when she saw Kane.

“Well?”

Kane stood straight, looked Octavia in the eye. “It was me. I took the pills.”

Octavia rolled her eyes and sighed. “Why am I not surprised. I know it’s not you. Tell me who it really is.”

“It is me. I took them. I’m to blame.”

“You’re protecting someone. This won’t do you or her any good, Kane.”

“I’m not protecting anyone. It was me.”

“Why?”

“To sell on the black market.”

“You. Marcus Kane. Selling on the black market. Do you take me for a fool?”

Kane shook his head. “Far from it.”

“And yet you persist with this fiction.”

“It is the truth.”

Octavia glared at him. He could tell she didn’t believe a word he was saying, and that she was angry with him, but he’d called her bluff, and there was nothing she could do about it.

“Very well. Marcus Kane. You have committed a crime against Wonkru, and for that you will fight for your life in the pit tonight.” She turned to her guard. “Take him away.”

The guard grabbed Kane and twisted his arms around his back, marching him away from Octavia and down into the bowels of the bunker, where the make-shift cells were located. He was thrown into one and the key was turned in the lock. He sat on the floor, put his head into his hands, but this time tears didn’t come, just a feeling of utter despair and helplessness.  

\---

It was dark in the cell, the only illumination coming from a gap beneath the heavy metal door. Kane sat back against the wall. He’d spent a lot of time in dark rooms up on the Ark, interviewing suspects, or monitoring them. He was good at calculating how much time had passed, even without a clock. He’d been sitting here for at least an hour. Abby would be locked up by now, and she’d know he wasn’t coming back. She’d know that was their last goodbye. He felt terrible denying her the chance to respond to his words, to speak her own heart as he had done, but she’d have tried to stop him, and he couldn’t have that. He couldn’t let her die.

Of course, now she had to live with his death, and if she couldn’t do that it might all be for nothing. He had to have hope that she would get through it, that she would take strength from his sacrifice and go on, be the light in the dark their people needed. They were waiting for someone to step up, to oppose Octavia. It should have been him, but he’d been too weak, too fearful, and he had no alternative solution, nothing to offer. There had to be another way to live down here, and Abby would find it. He had faith.

Kane closed his eyes, let his mind drift back to the Ark. He was standing at the window in his quarters, watching the sun set on the Earth below. How many sunsets and sunrises had he seen over the years? It was what he missed the most about being down here, or even on Earth. Up on the Ark he had a God-like view of the universe, and maybe that had gone to his head at times. He’d thought he had the power over everything and everyone, that his decisions were right and unquestionable.

He hadn’t counted on Abby, though, and her refusal to give him an inch. He used to think she’d say black was white just to annoy him, but she was right so many times. He knew that now. He laughed as memories of her back then came to his mind. Standing in front of him, hands on hips, an exasperated expression on her face, her voice loud, her words laced with sarcasm like always. She’d annoyed him, frustrated him, but he’d grudgingly admired her, if only for her sheer force of will, which matched his own. Without her, what would he have become? A dictator, like Charles Pike, or Octavia.

When she’d taken his hand in Polis and opened herself to him, body and soul, he’d been consumed. It was like being freed from a cage, one that he’d made for himself, and suddenly he was allowed to have all the things he’d denied himself: warmth, comfort, love, vulnerability, compromise. To realise that you are stronger together, that you weren’t all-powerful before, that you were nothing compared to this, is overwhelming. He’d fallen head-over-heels in love with her, and that had never changed. The first woman he’d loved. The only one.

What had he done for her? Given her strength, hopefully. Comfort. Love. Protection. Pleasure. Sometimes he thought he was an anchor, something for her to hold onto in these dark times. Were they simply two lonely, desperate people clinging to each other in a storm? Would they separate if peace came? Would they ever have got together if things were different? No, because then they would be different people, and she would never have looked at Kane as he was back then. But he wasn’t that man, and she wasn’t that woman, and they’d found each other when they needed to, and now it was more than that, it was more than clinging to someone because there was no one else. She completed him, and he completed her.

God, what had he done? He’d left her alone when she was weak and vulnerable, when she needed him more than ever. He’d ripped part of her away and there was already so little left. Kane drew his knees up to his chest, wrapped his arms around them. Last year when he was sitting in a cell awaiting his execution he’d said that death was an act of unity, but this one wasn’t. This one was going to tear the woman he loved apart. He had to fight. For her. He’d been thinking about this as though his death was a foregone conclusion, but it was in his hands now. He could at least fight to live for her or die trying.

When the guard came for him a few hours later, Kane was ready, or he thought he was. That changed when he walked into the arena and was hit by the roar of the crowd, the acrid smell of sweat and the iron tang of blood that was so strong he could taste it. He turned slowly, taking in the scene. So many of their people rattling the metal fence, screaming for blood, excitement on their faces, anticipation. How had it ever got to this? He remembered Osias, knowing now what he had seen and felt. No one deserved this fate, no matter what they’d done.

On his last turn he faced Octavia. She was staring imperiously down upon him. Kane held his head high, stared back. Gaia held her hands up and the crowd stilled.

“Each of these four combatants have committed crimes against Wonkru,” she said. “They are our enemies. Traitors to our people. Traitors to our code of strength, unity and honour. But today, one of you will be given the chance to once again be called brother or sister. However, first you must survive. The only rule in this arena is be the last.”

The crowd roared as she spoke those words, familiar with the ritual, knowing it was about to begin, eager for the spectacle.

“As always,” she continued, “as we invite death into this hall, we honour it.”

She bowed her head and the crowd followed suit. Kane didn’t bow. This fake ritual made a mockery of true belief. It was an appeasement of the conscience, a way for each person here to feel like what they were doing was right, was sanctioned, as in some way holy. There was nothing holy about this, and certainly no strength, unity or honour. Octavia hadn’t bowed either. She was staring at Kane, challenge in her eyes. She thought she’d won, though what her victory was he didn’t know.

“All of me for all of us,” said Gaia in Trig, and the crowd repeated it. Kane hated that phrase from the dark year. There was no need for the pits now, yet they continued, just to please Octavia’s bloodlust.

There was an electrifying silence, loaded, expectant. It made Kane’s heart race, his limbs tingle.

“Be the last!” shouted Gaia, and Kane was aware of the others racing to the fence for weapons, but he stood still, paralysed. His mind couldn’t contemplate what he had to do, and then he saw someone running towards him, and his instincts took over. He grabbed the nearest thing which was a shield and swung it at the fighter, deflecting the blow from the weapon. The blow sent shockwaves down his arms and into his chest but he had no time to think about that because the fighter was coming at him again, sword raised, face contorted with determination and Kane realised it was a woman. He was fighting a woman. God! What had become of them?

Kane deflected another blow and another. He had nothing to fight back with. How long could he keep this up? As long as it takes he told himself. The woman kicked him, and he fell onto the blood-splattered floor. Somehow he managed to deflect another blow and get back up. The noise was deafening, the shouts of the other two fighters echoing off the walls, the clash of metal on metal. Kane saw a weapon on the fence, some kind of axe, and he grabbed it, swung it at his opponent.

She rained blow after blow down on him. His arm had gone dead, he had no idea how he was holding it up. He couldn’t keep this up, his strength was fading. She got one more blow in and this time he had no strength left to fend her off. She knocked his shield away, exposed him to her sword. He reeled from the power of her thrust, stared into the darkness of her eyes. This was it. This was how it ended. He felt calm, accepting of his fate. She raised her arm, yelled her intentions as she was about to strike the fatal blow, and then blood spurted from her head and across Kane’s face.

He got to his feet, looked around in surprise. There was only one other fighter left, and he was coming for Kane. He lashed out with the axe, and adrenaline was pumping hard around his body. Strength came to him from nowhere, and he fought with everything he had. He wasn’t going to die like this! He wasn’t going to let this man take his life, take him from Abby, and he wasn’t giving Octavia the satisfaction of seeing him lose. This man was much stronger than the woman had been, though. He beat Kane to the floor, knocking his weapons from his hands. He felt a blow to his back, a sharp sting, and when he reached behind, his fingers felt sticky with blood.

Kane lay on the floor, his strength fading. He touched his wound again, saw the blood. The man was grandstanding, playing up to the crowd. Kane saw the axe in front of him, reached for it. The shadow of the fighter fell on him, and he turned, swinging the axe, slashing the man across his stomach. The man sank to his knees, and Kane lifted the axe and brought it down on his head, slicing through his cheek and down to his shoulder. He fell back, blood spraying into the air. Kane picked up the man’s much longer weapon, swung it, and struck his prone body with it. He swung it again and again. He could barely think, he only knew that he had to keep going until the man was dead. He screamed with each blow, all his pain and fear and frustration coming out. As each blow landed, he felt powerful, strong, in control. When it was over he stood over the man, looking down at him, at the mess he’d made of this human being whose body lay contorted, whose face was destroyed. What had he done?

The crowd was booing but he could barely hear them. He could only hear the ragged sound of his own breathing, of his heartbeat as it thumped, thumped, thumped in his ears. His hands were shaking, he couldn’t control them. He didn’t know who he was, or where he was, or how he had got here. It didn’t seem real, like the worst nightmare he’d ever had, but it was real. It had happened. He had won. He was free. Abby was safe. Gaia’s voice intruded, preparing for the next part of this insane ritual, which would see him given his freedom. He listened, tried to stop his hands shaking.

“Marcus Kane. In stealing life-giving medicine from Wonkru you have committed a crime against our people, but you are the last. Has he earned his freedom, Blodreina?”

Octavia stared at Kane for a long moment, then she stood. “No,” she said.

Kane’s heart sank. Tears pricked at his eyes and he blinked to try and keep them at bay.

“He fights again tomorrow.” She turned and left. The crowd roared into life again.

Kane stared after Octavia in disbelief. He had done what she asked, but it was not enough. She wanted him dead. He had won this battle, but not the war. He had no doubt she would keep making him fight until he lost. He would never see Abby again. It was over. Despair overwhelmed him, and he cried, his hands covering his face so he had a moment of privacy in the cruel glare of the bloodthirsty crowd.

\---

Kane was returned to his cell, carried between two guards because he could no longer stand. He lay on the cold floor, his entire body aching, and didn’t move. He drifted in and out of consciousness, unaware now how much time had passed, whether it was minutes or hours or whether the next day had come already and he was seconds from his fate.

When he’d finally been awake for longer than five minutes he dragged himself up. Images from the fighting ran through his mind on a loop, mostly him hitting the last man over and over again until he was unrecognisable. Where had it come from, that violence? It was within him, obviously, or he wouldn’t have been able to do it. Was it in all of us, when push comes to shove? Probably. We had animal instincts after all. Kane was no better than anyone else. He knew he was no Gandhi, no Martin Luther King. He hadn’t felt in that moment like he had a choice in it. His instincts had taken over, but maybe there was something else, in the overkill. An anger, a hatred, that had nothing to do with survival and everything to do with Octavia.

She wasn’t going to let him live. She wanted him to give Abby up and he wouldn’t do that so he would have to die. If he had to fight over and over again she would make him do it until he was too exhausted and was beaten. Fighting her was pointless. He had to make his stand another way, refuse to fight, show the people there was another way, a way to live through peace. It only needed one person. Someone to take their rightful seat on the bus, someone to stand in front of a tank, someone to say no when everyone else said yes. One person became a movement, and a movement always won in the end. He could be that person, start the movement, and Abby could take it on. She’d have support. There had to be others who felt like they did, that things had gone too far. Octavia couldn’t fight them all, couldn’t kill them all. His death would have meaning, would give Abby hope.

He settled back against the wall, ignoring the pain from his wounded back. When he was in the arena he would stand up to Octavia. He would refuse to fight. His death would be an act of unity, and the people would remember.

After another fitful sleep he was awakened by his door opening. So it was time. This was it. He heaved himself to his feet and the guards took him into a locker room and shut the door. Kane sat on the bench, his head in his hands, waiting for his moment to arrive. Somewhere, a girl was singing, the sound muffled but unmistakeable. It was beautiful, haunting, and so incongruous as to make him want to laugh. There was no beauty in this chaos.

The buzzer sounded and the door opened. Kane turned to see who it was. Octavia. What did she want?

“You could have walked away with your freedom yesterday. You had the crowd on your side, but you lost them when you showed weakness.”

She sat on the bench next to Kane’s and he looked at her. She looked so young, a child trying to seem grown-up dressed in a warrior’s clothes. For the first time in a long time he could see the frightened, lonely girl from beneath the floor. Maybe there was still time, still hope.

“I know you didn’t steal the medicine, Kane. Admit it. Tell me who took it, and I’ll let you go. Only the guilty should fight in the arena.”

“We’re all guilty.”

“I’m not here for a philosophy lesson, Kane. I’m here to give you a second chance.”

“And I’m offering you the same.” Octavia looked surprised at his words. “You kept us together, Octavia. It’s true Wonkru’s strong. We could have torn ourselves apart during the dark year.”

Her face darkened. “One more word about the dark year and I will put you in the arena even if you tell the truth. You know the law.” She sounded petulant to Kane, like a child who wasn’t getting what she wanted. He had hit a nerve.

“I won’t fight,” he said, his voice quiet and determined.

“Then you die.” She stood, walked away from him. Kane wasn’t going to let her go so easily, not without trying to get through to her.

“You lost your way. We all have. I’ve been quiet too long. You think the arena delivers justice?”

“I know it does.” She turned to look at him.

“Your mother. Your mother was floated for having a second child, for having you. I was a party to that and so much more. We have a chance to do something better here. We’re throwing it away. Octavia, please. Strength without mercy is nothing. It’s nothing. But you can end it. You can save us. It’s not too late.” He looked at her hopefully, certain his words would make an impact on the little girl who was still inside.

She held his gaze, her eyes shimmering in the low light. “Tell me who stole the medicine, Kane.”

Kane didn’t respond. There was no point. She was lost. He would have to appeal to the people now.

“So be it.” She turned and left.

Indra had been standing quietly at the far end of the room during his conversation with Octavia, and she turned now, came through the gate.

“Don’t try to talk me out of it,” said Kane, shaking his head.

“I won’t,” she said, and then she led him to another room, with another door at the far end. She keyed in a code and the door buzzed open. She entered the room and Kane followed. There, standing against a bunkbed in the dim light, was Abby. Kane’s spirits lifted at the sight of her, his heart beating fast, his hands growing sweaty. She stared at him for a moment, and then ran to him, flinging her arms around his neck. He held on to her tightly; he never thought he would have this chance again to hold her, comfort her. They clung to each other, and Kane didn’t ever want to let go.

“He won yesterday,” said Indra. “I’ll make sure to match him up with a weaker opponent today, but he’s refusing to fight. Maybe you can talk some sense into him.”

Abby slipped her arms from around his back, looked at Kane briefly and then pushed him away.

“Wait!” she said as she headed towards Indra. “It was me. I took the drugs. I... I... I can’t function without them and I.... Please don’t let him die because of something that I did.”

“You were right to have me lock her up,” said Indra. “He knew you’d confess to try and save him.”

Abby turned to look at Kane, a pained frown on her face.

“The only way to save you both,” continued Indra, “is for him to win. You have one minute. Talk to him.” She left, shutting the door behind her.

Kane let out a deep sigh. He wasn’t prepared for this. He had to take the lead, to steer the conversation otherwise she was going to talk him out of it and then they’d both be dead.

“Abby. What have we done?”

Her face hardened. “What we had to do to survive.”

“How many times do we tell ourselves that?”

“It’s the truth.”

“No. It’s what we say to justify the horror we inflict on each other. I can’t do it anymore.”

She stepped closer to him, turned those big wide eyes on him and his resolve faltered.

“Marcus you have to fight! You have to fight I’ll do anything. I’ll give up the pills. I’ll do anything. I can’t lose you!” Her words came out in a rush, her voice panicked and fearful.

“Shush,” Kane said to soothe her. “Shush.” He pulled her in for a hug and she wrapped her arms tight around him.

“I lost myself,” he said, and he felt the truth of it in that moment, the weight of that knowledge that had been holding him back, keeping him down. For years he’d tried to atone for all his sins, but it hadn’t been enough, was never enough. This was his chance. Abby tightened her grip, squeezed him hard. She knew. She knew she couldn’t change his mind and she was desperately holding onto him as he was to her.

The door opened and Indra entered. “It’s time.”

“No, not yet!” said Abby, her voice tearful.

Kane looked at Indra. There was no going back. He gripped Abby’s arms, held her in front of him, looking deep into her eyes to try and will some strength into her.

“You have to let me go. You have to let me go.”

Tears welled in her eyes and she could barely look at him.

“Promise me you won’t confess, even after I’m gone, because if you die, my sacrifice is for nothing.”

She smiled weakly.

“Promise me,” Kane said again.

“I promise. I promise,” she said, nodding and smiling though the tears were spilling down her cheeks.

“And promise me you’ll stop taking the pills.”

She looked at him closely. “I will,” she said nodding. “I promise.”

Relief flooded Kane at her words. She would survive without him, he knew she would. She was strong, stronger than he gave her credit for, stronger than him. He stroked her face, fingers brushing her hair. He swept his eyes over her one last time, memorising every inch of her because when the time came he wanted her face to be the last thing he saw when he closed his eyes for the final time.

“I love you,” he said softly, smiling at her.

“Kane,” said Indra, interrupting them before Abby had a chance to reply.

He wasn’t ready, he wasn’t ready. He pulled her to him again, held her so tight she probably couldn’t breathe but she didn’t complain just squeezed him tighter as well. He took a deep breath, breathing her in one last time, then he let her go, turned to leave without looking back but she grabbed his hand, forcing him to look at her. God, this was harder than he’d ever thought it would be. It was easier leaving her when she didn’t know it was happening. Now he could see the pain in her eyes, the sadness, the loss. It would be so easy to stay, to have more time with her, but how much time would that be? Not enough. He had to leave. He had to do it now. He turned again, let her fingers slide away from his, then he walked past Indra and out into the other room. The door closed behind them, and he could hear Abby’s whimper as he walked across the room. A similar sound escaped him, and Indra put a hand on his back.

\---

Back to the arena again, back to the same sights, the same smells, the same rituals. Octavia presiding over it again like a Roman emperor awaiting her gladiators. Kane stared at her throughout Gaia’s speeches and Octavia stared back. Kane knew she wasn’t going to shift and neither was he. There would only be one outcome, and Octavia may claim the victory, but it would be a hollow one, and everyone here would know it.

“Be the last!” Gaia said.

Kane stood still, holding Octavia’s gaze. The crowd started to shout and boo because he wasn’t playing his part, wasn’t giving them what they wanted.

“What is this?” said one of the other fighters angrily. “Choose your weapon.”

Kane remained unmoved. The man hit him in the face and Kane staggered back, his hand to his nose, which was painful but didn’t feel broken.

“Fight me, damn you, or neither of us will get out of here alive.”

Kane stood upright, held his head high. A glint of steel and a searing pain in his leg as the man slashed at him. He fell to one knee, blood spurting from the injured leg. “I will not fight you,” he said.

“I will not kill this man,” he said more loudly, addressing the crowd.

Octavia stood, removed her cloak, started to head towards him. He had to get his speech out now, before she arrived and cut off his head or whatever she was going to do to prevent him talking.

“Somehow we allowed justice to become vengeance, and vengeance to become sport, and I allowed that, that darkness to rise, but my complicity ends today.”

The crowd had fallen silent; the buzz of the door as Octavia entered the arena floor was loud. “You are Wonkru, or you are the enemy of Wonkru. Choose.”

“I already have,” said Kane, standing strong. He was ready now. He had made his choice. He had chosen to stand up, to be counted, to fight for the truth, for justice.

Octavia rolled her eyes, and then turned, pulling a weapon from the wall and marching towards him. Kane steadied himself, prepared for the blow of the sword. Instead she kicked him in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him, sending him sprawling to the bloody floor. He tried to get up because the last thing he wanted was to be killed while he was down but she kicked his legs and then circled him.

“Come on, Kane. Where is your survival instinct?” she said to the roar of the crowd. She was trying to goad him, to force him to fight her.

“Saving our people is about more than keeping them alive,” he said as he tried to sit up. “It’s not too late.”

“For you it is.” She swung her arm back, ready to deliver the killer blow. Kane closed his eyes, brought the image of Abby to the front of his mind. Peace washed over him, and he smiled. Suddenly there was a rumbling sound and something fell on him. He opened his eyes and looked up as debris rained down from the ceiling of the bunker. Light appeared, daylight, the first light he’d seen in six years. He got to his feet, staggered out of the way of the cement and dust that was crashing to the floor.

“Clear the arena!” shouted Indra, and a guard rushed towards Kane, grabbing him and leading him away.

They entered a locker room and the guard shoved Kane inside. “What’s going on? What’s happening?” The guard didn’t answer, just shut the door, leaving Kane alone. It wasn’t the room he’d been taken through earlier but he went to the far end anyway, banged on the door.

“Abby!” he shouted. “Abby! Are you there?” There was no reply.

Kane sat on the bench and listened to the sounds of chaos filtering through from the main arena. Someone must have found them at last, Clarke perhaps, but how had she broken through? How long had she been trying? He hoped it was Clarke, for Abby’s sake. This was what she needed, to have hope again.

He waited impatiently for someone to come and let him out, running through every scenario he could think of about what had happened and how. At last the door opened and a different guard came in.

“Indra said to wait here,” he said, and Kane thought he was talking to him, but he wasn’t, because he stood to one side and someone else walked in. It was Abby. She looked up at him, her eyes bright with tears.

“Abby!” Kane could barely get her name out so choked up he was to see her again.

“Marcus!”

This time it was him who ran to her, pulling her into him, hugging her, peppering her face with kisses. She kissed him back, her hands tracing the lines of his face, the cuts and bruises.

“Oh, Abby.” He buried his face in her neck, sobbed into her hair.

“What have they done to you?”

“It’s nothing. I’m okay.”

“Don’t ever leave me again,” she whispered.

“I won’t. I won’t.” He squeezed her tight.

“I can’t live without you.” She stroked his hair, then lifted his head, kissed his lips.

“I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

“No, you were right, but I don’t care about that. I only care about you.”

“Everything we do, we do together.”

“Yes.” She kissed him again, a long, sweet kiss that made him moan. How did he ever think he could leave her? He was an idiot to give this up without a fight.

“I love you so much. You’re my heart and soul.”

“You are mine.”

He held her warm body against his, felt the beat of her heart, the rise and fall of her breathing. Time to make a new life. Onwards and upwards.

“Clarke is alive,” she said when they parted.

Kane smiled, thrilled at the news. “I told you she would be.”

“I know. I didn’t dare believe it.”

“Have you seen her?”

“Yes. I thought it was a ghost, but she was real.”

Kane tucked Abby’s hair behind her ear. “I knew she’d save us,” he said softly.

The door opened, and the guard came in. He took hold of Kane, put handcuffs on him.

“What are you doing?” said Abby with a loud cry.

“Where are you taking me?” said Kane. The guard didn’t answer. “Tell me, beja!”

The guard opened the door and led Kane out. He didn’t shut the door behind him, so Abby followed them, which gave Kane some hope.

“Gon skai,” the guard said, and he pointed to a huge hole in the ceiling as they entered the arena.

Kane looked around. Most of their people were gone. There were men in strange uniforms standing below a winch. They beckoned to him and the guard led him over. Kane looked up towards the sky. There was something like a huge crane visible above from which the winch hung. There was a harness and the guard gestured for him to step into it.

“What about Abby?”

“She’s next,” said one of the uniformed men.

Kane looked at Abby who nodded to him. “I’ll be right behind.”

“Okay.” He was helped into the harness and he clung to the wire as it was wound up and he swung into the air. A breeze blew onto his face as he went higher, warm and cooling at the same time. He could smell the air, the ozone, and it was sweeter than he’d dreamt it would be. He’d thought it would be acrid, bitter after Praimfaya, but it was fresh and he could taste it, the taste of life, of freedom.

The sun was warm on his face as he broke through the ceiling and out into the fresh air. It was so bright after all those years of artificial light he had to close his eyes and squint until they became adjusted. He looked around, the crumbling remains of Polis coming into view, the tower where he and Abby had first made love destroyed now, a shadow of its former self. He looked down and his heart skipped a beat when he saw Clarke looking up at him and smiling. He made his way carefully down the rocks, his hands still handcuffed together. He smiled broadly at her and fell into her arms. She hugged him tightly and it felt good, so good to see her, overwhelming really. He could hardly process what was happening it was all so quick.

Indra approached, pressed something into his hand. “Wait for night,” she said. “If you get caught, I won’t be able to help you.”

Kane looked at his hand when she’d left. It was the key to his handcuffs. So, this wasn’t an end then. He was still a prisoner, still in danger from Octavia. So be it. There was an entire earth now. There must be somewhere he and Abby could go.

Abby came towards them, put her arms around Clarke, giving her a long hug. Kane looked around, watching for Octavia or her supporters.

They were under the watchful eyes of Wonkru and Eligius so they waited until nightfall, and as soon as attention was elsewhere Clarke led them to an old building.

“Okay. We’re safe here. Let’s get those cuffs off.”

“If you’re right, and that valley is the only survivable place, where will your mother and I go?” Kane said as Abby undid the cuffs.

“I’ll talk to Octavia,” said Clarke. “See if I can reason with her.”

“You won’t be able to,” replied Abby.

“Regardless, that’s tomorrow’s problem. Today we have to keep you out of sight until everyone is safely...” Clarke didn’t get to finish her sentence because there was a strange noise that made Kane and Abby jump.

“What the hell was that?” said Abby.

“I know what that was. Stay here.”

Clarke left, and Kane looked at Abby. “What’s going on?”

She shook her head. “Let’s get closer.”

They crept to the edge of the old market square, listened as the female leader of Eligius asked Clarke about Abby.

“She’s our doctor,” said Octavia. “You can’t have her.”

Kane felt Abby stiffen next to her. “Damned cheek!” Abby said. “She wanted us both dead a couple of hours ago.”

“She’s not having you,” said Kane, and he put his arm around Abby, held her close to him.

“Like hell she is!”

A man in an Eligius uniform pointed a huge gun at Clarke. Abby cried out softly and Kane increased his grip. He wanted to comfort her but he also wanted to stop her running out and getting herself killed.

She turned to Kane, a pleading look on her face. “We have to do something. They could kill Clarke.

“You’re not going to Octavia, Abby. No way.”

“Then I’ll have to take my chances with Eligius.”

“I don’t like the look of them.”

“Neither do I, but what choice do we have?”

She was right. There was no choice. “Okay, then let’s do this.” Kane kissed her, and then he followed Abby out into the dark night.

“I’m right here,” Abby shouted, and they emerged into the square to the hostile glares of nearly everyone present. “Don’t shoot. We’ll come without a fight,” she said to the woman.

“I bet you will,” said Octavia, but Abby ignored her. “Traitor,” Octavia said as Kane emerged behind Abby. He glanced at her, then back at Abby.

“We?” said the woman.

“The two of us. Those are my terms.” Kane stood behind Abby and lowered his hands. She was so confident, so determined. He had never been more proud of her than he was now.

“I see where your daughter gets it from,” said the woman, and Kane suppressed a smile. “Take them both.”

“Mom, what are you doing?” Clarke looked desperate and confused as she watched Eligius guards take Abby and Kane.

“I love you, Clarke,” said Abby, and then she was marched up the gangplank and into the Eligius dropship.

“Are we doing the right thing?” said Kane as the door closed behind them.

“Time will tell,” said Abby. “How much worse can it be?”

Kane raised an eyebrow, and Abby laughed. “Whatever happens, we’re in this together,” he said.

Abby smiled, and reached up to place a quick kiss on his lips before their guards pushed them forwards and they walked side by side to an uncertain future.

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, and thank you for making this journey with me. I know it has not been for everyone, and I'm grateful to those of you who stuck with me so we could go through the pain together. I wanted to be as realistic as I could and that meant showing Abby in a very unflattering light at times which was hard because I love her a lot, but we can love people even when they're at their worst, sometimes more so, and a true relationship works through these times, tries to survive. Through writing this fic I have come to love Abby more than I ever did, and to understand her better.
> 
> This has been the most difficult fic I've written. Kabby's story in season 5 is so dark, and I had to dig deep to get this out which is why it has taken a long time. I had to write an entirely different fic in between to give me some relief from the darkness :) There have been a lot of tears throughout, but also some laughter and some good times, because life is rarely relentlessly one or the other. I hope you have enjoyed reading it if that is the right word.
> 
> Thanks as always to April Maple for all her support and I'm sorry for all the tears I brought her! Thanks to the people who helped me with research, and to The 100 Writers for giving us this story and also leaving enough gaps for writers like me to fill :) and thanks to you all once again for reading.
> 
> May we meet again.


End file.
